Hurricane in my mind.

My Anna.

2008-08-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

Today was the big day, the 4 root canal and 6 crowns day. That sounds awful I know, and the more judgemental ones reading this might look at it and think her whole mouth was rotted out. That's not what was going on. We lived in that dark camper for almost 3 years, I never saw her teeth getting spots on them. She got her teeth brushed in the tub every night, but she did nurse for 2 years including a lot of night nursing. I think the milk sitting in her mouth at night is what caused the decay. But honestly her teeth didn't look that bad. There were small cavities, and before the dentist told us his plan I would have never thought she needed all that work. For us taking care of the baby teeth is just as important as the adult teeth so we knew we'd hurry and do what we could to get her fixed up. We came up with the $275 OR fee which has made this last pay period very difficult for us, but worth it to see her teeth fixed. We got there this morning just before the doors opened. This place is wonderful, The Gulf Coast Oupatient Surgery Center. It was a good experience despite the circumstances. No long wait times, and everyone always explained to you what was going on. She had the first appointment at 7 and was in there a little after that. The hardest part was her crying for me when they took her in the back, but I know that didn't last long because they said she'd go back and they'd give her some gas to put her to sleep before they did the IV and tube and all that. The dentist spoke to us when he was done, said she did great, everything went perfect and told us how to care for her. He has that Christian Glow to him, if you've ever seen it in someone, you know what I mean. He was very non judgemental, very friendly, and even his eyes were smiling. I absolutely love him, I wish I could take all the kids to him. Anna will be seeing him right on schedule every six months after this next two week check up. I think he's worth paying the deductibles on our dental insurance and just taking all the kids there after they are all cleaned up and problems fixed this time. We got to be there with her before she woke up so we were there when she came to. It took her awhile, she did not want to wake up at all, but once she did we were out of there quickly. She woke up with a hoarse throat and a little croupiness but she should be ok. She's sleeping now, but had her appetite and thirst back immediatly after she woke up. I haven't really got to check out the work yet, probably not a good idea to go sticking my fingers in her mouth at this point. We have to wipe down her teeth and gums with a cloth the next few days until the soreness is gone. Her gums are really, really bruised up top, I could see that much. I feel really blessed not to be traumatized by all this, because I easily could have been. Thanks to Dr. Broome and the staff at the outpatient surgery center it all went well. I think a thank you note is in order in this situation!! I don't do that very often for stuff like this, but never had reason to either.

We've got a tornado watch until 10pm. Yay..not! It poured down while Anna was in the back getting worked on, and the wind was blowing. Something popped and the lights blinked and I was about to freak. They explained not to worry, they didn't know what that was but they were on generators so everything was fine.\

I am so excited, I've decided to start quilting again. I need a hobby bad and since college isn't practical right at this moment, I have to find something else to do. I miss quilting, and I think I was actually good at it. I've already picked out my first pattern and will make Dani one first. I'm going to make the quilt the colors I've picked out for her bedroom. I've already picked out the pattern I'm going to do. I had thought about making quilts to sell, but I gave away every single quilt I ever made. I want to keep some around. I did take pictures of them, but it's not the same and a few of them I was pretty proud of! So starting oldest to youngest I will be making quilts for all the kids.

Anna is stirring, I better close for now.

I love the olympics!!

2008-08-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's driving the family nuts but I have it on whenever there is coverage, I can't get enough. I loved the opening ceremony, I thought that was way awesome. I love watching our country compete and do well.. I've been loving watching President Bush enjoy himself as well.. He looks so proud. I watched the men's basketball game this morning, USA vs China.

I found a spongebob disk we had and Michael converted it to Ipod. I figured Anna would like the distraction when she wakes up Tuesday morning from her dental work. She'll have to stay in recovery a few hours so I knew she'd like to watch spongebob. I have Nemo on there for her too. I'll be so glad when it's over. I'll have to get the kids up extra early, have them get ready, and than they'll stay with the inlaws until the bus comes.

Mikey opened our french door into my knuckle this morning when I went to lock it..I'm not sure what he did but my first finger is hurting so bad. It's eve hard to type, it almost feels jammed. It's always something.

I gotta fill out the last of the school paperwork for Kayla so I guess I'll take care of that now and get it into her bookbag so we don't forget.

Cold front in August.

2008-08-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, for the first time in awhile I lost the blog I had just typed up. I'm not too happy, having to type it up the second time always is a lazy entry and a lot of information is lost. I think from now on I'm going to blog on blogger first and than paste it here. Myspace is really sucking lately. Blog notifications don't work anymore, status updates won't load for me, and the blog on this thing is just an afterthought anyway. I'm sick of losing blogs and not being able to back anything up.

We've got a freak cold front coming through and it's nice already. I'm so glad for the few degrees cooler it's going to be the next couple of days and evenings. I know they said the summertime weather would return on Sunday but I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

I was ready to open up a can of whoop ass at school when Kayla came home all sad looking saying she couldn't find her class and someone told her to go to the library all day. No matter how many questions I asked her I couldn't get to the bottom of what was going on and I began to think no one bothered to help her and she sat alone in the library all day. Mikey finally chimed in saying they were working on some new classrooms. So I'm thinking Kayla's classroom wasn't ready yet and they are staying in the library until it's ready. I was worried for a few minutes, they should have sent a note home. I know that anyone who asked their 2nd grader how their day was is probably wondering what is going on. I bet they get a lot of parent phone calls today. She came home with no papework or anything and no evidence of what they might have done all day. Who knows, I guess her new teacher was in there with her.

Amber said she had a little trouble finding her classes but she didn't seem too upset so I'm thinking she's gonna be ok. This is her first year at the middle school. She wanted band for an elective but got choir which I find funny because she has refused to sing at church here. She sang a solo at the Dubach church and sounded fantastic a few years ago when she was a lot younger. I know she can sing, I remember looking at Michael in amazement when she started singing and seeing other people looking at us in amazement. None of us could believe that was Amber singing. So she can sing, she just has a bad attitude and some kids were picking on her one time telling her she sang awful. They get graded on attitude and willingness and singing tests so she better be prepared to show up to class every day and sing the best she can with a smile on her face. They are even going to learn to read music. I have to send in $10 for her songbook and $25 for a dress they all wear for concerts and competitions and stuff. I keep wondering what about the kids that sign up for that and can't sing well, do they get a bad grade?? She has art for her other elective and seems happy with that.

This is Mikey's last year at the Elm school. He has a new male teacher for his home room so not much changes for him otherwise. He has that teacher we had a run in with when he had her in the 3rd grade though. I guess she's teaching math. She had told him her kindegartner draws better than he does and it really hurt his feelings so we let the school know. She tried to call for weeks after that to apologize and sounded all sad on the machine, I think the school got on to her. I realize she had stresses in her life at the time, but that doesn't give her the right to make my child feel that badly. I still get upset when I think of it. The one time Michael and I sat in her class it was absolute chaos. He said an IM thing on her computer kept going off too. I guess we'll see how it goes this year.

Dani is thrilled to have gotten her newspaper elective. She could only get into it with 3 teacher recommendations. She can't decide if she wants to interview or do photograghy. She likes photography and it's in the genes on my family's side so I think she should go for that. She's also happy that most of her teachers said they'll have little or no homework and she will only have two or three texbooks to carry around.

It looks like school will have to be on hold for me for a little while. I'm pretty disappointed but now is not the right time. It's the kids't time to go through school and they need me around to help them and not with my head stuck in books. Anna is still home and clingier than ever and no one would allow me to study enough to do well so it will have to wait. I guess I need to get a hobby back. I really miss quilting and thought the ones I made awhile back turned out nice. I have the room in here for a sewing machine so I could do it. I think I'm going to start gathering material and patterns. I was thinking maybe I could sell them if they turn out real nice. Make my own ebay quilt business or something. Who knows. It's very relaxing piecing a quilt and even tracing and cutting out squares and shapes is fun for me too. I get excited when I'm puting one together because I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I tried to take photos of lighting last night, that was a bust. Too much cloud to cloud and not enough cloud to ground I guess. I thought we were going to get a real bad storm, but it petered out. I still have my tripod by the door for next time, maybe I will have better luck in the fall or winter.

Anna is walking around the house looking for the kids, I guess she figured to go wake them up but they aren't here. I should have been done with this by now and feeding her but have had to type this all up again. It's not as fun the second time around. I'm going to look up recipes with rice, sugar, and milk. My mother in law said it was good but I don't know how to make it. We already had our chocolate milk this morning but Anna is hungry for breakfast now.

I'll post the pics I tried to take later, my internet or computer or something is having issues and I think having photobucket open at same time as trying to post blog is what locked everything up.

It's a non payday weekend so we'll be sitting around and doing nothing. I don't mind, it doesn't matter anymore. It will be the same on payday anyway it's all going to bills with not much left over. Maybe the last payday of the month we can look forward to trying to work on the trailer some more. I took pics of the the rope lighting I tried to string up to give the kid some light in their bedrooms in the mornings. It's so funny looking. It's kinda neat looking at night though.

I'm leaving stuff on the dvr for the kids and everyone to watch in case the sat. gets cut off soon. I'm surprised it's not off yet. At least Anna will have enough spongebob to get her through the week until we can pay the bill. I hope our distant locals stay on though, we get those from another company, I want to see the Olympics so bad, I love the Olympics. The only channel I can pick up with an antenna is WLOX and it's ABC and I don't think they are covering the olympics.

I woke up just feeling yucky today. Achey and hot and just blaah. I don't know what's wrong, I'm not sick anywhere that I know if, I just feel slightly flu like. Maybe it's the change in weather. I purposely didn't run or walk last night to try and let my body recover, maybe it's still tired. I did swim with the kids though.

Time to make breakfast for Anna.

To my family.

2008-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

Some people better thank God that The Gulf Coast Outpatient Center called just as I was about to let loose everything I've had bottled up all my life. I had the mother of all blogs in my head. My hands were shaking I was itching to type it all so badly. Basically I just got confirmation of why I moved far away from home. I'm glad even though I'm really upset. It's taken my homesickness away. I've never been good enough since day 1. Never measured up to other cousins, never done the things everyone wanted me to do, never been like anyone else. Each child I brought into this world made me a bigger disappointment in my family's eyes. Like this world isn't tough enough without your own family tearing you down. I've been searching all my life for someone to love me, for someone to show me they care about me. My babies have done that for me. My family wanted to ignore me and than not blame themselves for how I turned out. I happen to think I didn't turn out so bad though despite them. I'm a loving, caring, sensitive person. I'm a good mom. I've always only wanted to do something good in this world. I was a good, responsible, and dependable teenager. You entrusted me with your babies, yet you continue to ignore me and think only bad of me. I graduated nursing school with a unanimous award from the faculty for being a good person and a good nurse and with the potential to go on and do bigger and better things. How come no one can see the good in me, how come I'm just worthless to the very people who are supposed to love me the most. My cries for help were silent in angry red cuts in my skin, still no one noticed. No one notices now. I've been through tragedies, heart break, and to hell and back. Yet you have nothing positive to say about my life. I've not asked you for much, I only wanted love and for you to love my kids. I didn't ask for you opinion on how to run my life, I didn't need your permission to have children, I don't care if you think I should have stopped at one. You don't know, what if one of my children has the only matching blood type to save your life one day? What if one of my children comes up with the only cure to treat an illness that you have? What if one of my children is the only one left that wants anything to do with you? You all think you are better than me, maybe you are in other people's eyes, but you are NOT in God's eyes. You haven't walked in my shoes, you haven't seen the things I've seen, the hardships I've endured, or the lonliness and rejection I have felt. I'm worth more than you all think I am. You have no idea how much I have been hurt by you because I never let on, I didn't want to hurt your feelings with my pain. None of you have to worry about me ever coming back home again. My home is here with my children, and I'm going to make it one that they want to always come back to because I love their company and I don't want them to ever move far away from me. If they moved away it would be like someone cut a little piece of my heart out. You get back what you give in life. You hand out negativeness and hurt feelings and poisnous hate, that's what you will be stuck with. I've got a strength that will see me throught his life, I don't need your love because I've not been given it anyway, I'm not missing anything. Think of me as the homeless person on the street, you see them but turn the other way. That's what I am to you anyway. Don't think you know me because you read my blogs, and don't expect to know me better than what you read. I'm tired of having my heart stomped on, but despite all that, I'm not half as bitter as some of y'all. You can all just got back to your holier than thou, high and mighty chairs and continue to look down your noses at me. I don't give a crap anymore. These are the last of the tears I shed on your behalf. I'm moving on. I'm done begging for love, and acceptance, and encouragement. I never asked for much else and I don't expect to be handed these things now.

i really have to say this...

2008-08-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you God for the clouds. Without them today we'd be roasting like ants under a magnifying glass. I'm so grateful!

Kids heading back to school

2008-08-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my munchkins go back to school. I admit I'm a little sad to lose my company. They are looking forward to it though so I'm happy for them. I figured to pass some of the time Anna and I would start going through this HUGE box of photos. It's so huge the living room tv is sitting on it. I don't have a scanner but might try and take photos of some of my photos to put in this blog with my high school and army entries. I know I haven't worked on any good old stuff lately, I kind of work on it in spurts. One day though I will have all my handwritten stuff typed up into this blogger and backed up. It's like my life's project. It will be complete with photos too. It's hard to type up the old stuff, it's embarassing and sounds stupid. I didn't journal in a lot of detail back then either, so most of the time I have no idea what I was talking about. I'm really going to try my hardest not to modify any of the entries I type in. Reading that stuff it doesn't even seem like me, it's like reading someone else's life. I may just quit the random stuff and start typing in from beggining of each handwritten journal until the end. I hate digging into this first one because it deals with a lot of teenage anst. Drama queen stuff, moodniness, suicial thoughts, loss of virginity, hating my parents..etc. I suppose everyone goes through that, it's just that not everyone choses to share it all with everyone. If this is as therapeutic as they say, I should be one, completely menally stable person by the end of this whole project. Embarassing as it all is, I want this all documented and backed up for future generations. I would have loved to have read stuff like this within my family. I can only hope someone some day will be as interested in what my life was like. I need to call my dad and ask him when he has some spare time if he'll scan some younger photos of me to show the kids. Like softball photos, prom photos, kid photos, stuff like that. I'm trying not to move away from myspace completely because I like to share my blogs with friends, but I really do like this blogger. I can look at lists of my entries by date and subject and I like being able to see what I have. I guess I will try to keep them both going at the same time.

I'm off the feed the kids their last summer vacation lunch. Dani has been wanting me to make the bisquick dumplings in cream of chicken soup so I guess that's what is on the menu.

Time for Something New

2008-08-04T18:19:00.001-07:00

I've decided I want to go back to school. Yep, I can't believe it myself. I want to go all the way and be an RN. I had a MA LPN license but let it expire so I might just as well start over and get a college degree this time. I know this all sounds easier said than done, but I'm hoping to find a way. The first step of my plan is to take online college courses to fill all the prerequisites for the nursing program. I had planned just to do the practical nursing diploma course, but I think I might do the parallel nursing program that would allow me to move on to a university to complete my degree and get an RN. Even if we can scrape up just enough money to do one class at a time, than that's the way I'll do it, maybe by the time Anna is in school I can go to school full time too. I need something to occupy my mind, I'm going stir crazy here and I love the medical field. I miss working at a hospital. I'm hoping to save up some money to take my first online course during the winter semester.

We went to Amber's orientation tonight. She's moving up to the middle school so we went and got her schedule and met her teachers. For electives she has art and chorus. I hope all the kids do well this year. I really like the middle school. I'll be glad when all the kids are away from the Elm School.

The kids were fighting earlier over whether Spongebob was a kid or an adult. Haahaa, that's too funny.

Anna has been scheduled for her dental procedure on the 12th. Michael paid them today. I'll be so glad when that is over with. She's not feeling too good today, her tummy is messed up. I hope she feels better tomorrow. They are all watching a new spongebob episode right now.

The sky looked so beautiful tonight. I snapped a few pictures, I couldn't help myself. I almost wish I could make a career out of photography.

I'm so freakin tired today, I don't know why, I guess my muscles are just trying to recover from my run the other day and it's sucking the energy out of me. I hope to run again tomorrow night. I'd rather run than walk. I love plugging my music into my ears and just running and letting my mind wander, it makes me feel so free.

I didn't really feel like blogging today or working on backing up my myspace or even posting some old stuff. Maybe I will tomorrow. I'm just tired of being hot in here all the time. I'm thinking once it cools off I'll be able to move around this place more and do more cleaning and organizing.

I'm going to jump in the pool for a few minutes to cool off before bedtime. The sun has set now, but the sky sure was beautiful for a few minutes.

Did I mention the idea of learning again has me so excited? I feel like it's Christmas time or something.

For my Friend.

2008-08-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

My journal entries that I blog dated 1992 to 1993 are dedicated to my best friend Christy so she can know the teenaged me even though she didn't know me then. Christy, I hope you realize how brave I have to be to post any journal entry unedited. Haahaaaa. Flipping through that journal I was pretty vague about stuff, and I would often write "I will never forget what that means...." And now I have no clue what the hell I was talking about. It's so embarassing posting these. Sheesh. I read it's supposed to be good therapy sharing teenage journals, I guess time will tell.

I guess I will be able to tell if I have posted a particular entry on here when I go to type the date in so I will continue with the random posts. I feel like this blog is a better place for that stuff since hardly anyone that I know knows about this one. I'm not brave enough to put these entries on Myspace.

I can only hope any of the people written about in this particular journal (1992-1993) never find this blog. And please God, if they do, don't let them kill me!

A special treat.

2008-08-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

I got this idea after blogging on myspace that I was reading random journals I had written over the year. So I picked up the one I was reading and blindly picked a page and that's what I'll post today. The catch is I'm posting it under the year and date it was originally written, so if you are absolutely dying to read it, you'll have to find it. I know there is at least one cheater out there that will pick it up through RSS. I actually prefer this blog to myspace, but old habits die hard so I'll probably stick with it over there since my friends are all on there. Anna is going to torture me the whole time I try to do this so wish me luck completing it. After I'm done with this I gotta go make Anna some chocolate milk.

Done Nursing

2008-07-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

Anna has been off nursing for almost a week now. So I guess I can call it officially over with. I'll have my body back for the first time in like 13 years. I just gotta figure out what to do with it. Haahaa. I wish it wasn't so damned hot, I'd love to start running again. I miss my treadmill like crazy. I'm just starting to get sore now, so she must not have been taking much milk in the last several months, it still hurts some though. At least I can move my arms, with the other kids I couldn't move for days on end. I thought I would be sad, being the very last child and all, but I'm not. They say you know when you are done having children and they are right, I couldn't imagine ever doing it again. I just pray my tubes never come untied. I'm ready for the kids to start getting older and needing me a little less. Though with a 2 year old that will take awhile. I love being here with the kids, but I'm starting to wonder what life is like in the adult world. I think maybe a job or taking some classes would be good for me. Staying home all these years hasn't been that good for me. Instead of making whatever social anxieties I had better it's made it worse because I haven't had to deal with people. It's easy for me to say all this today, I woke up feeling like I am on an upswing in mood. Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar or this is just normal human behavior. I'm ready to blast the music, wake all the kids up, and clean up this place today. I may even throw some make up on for the pediatrician visit today. Haahaa.

My morning routine includes feeding the ducks, feeding the dog, checking on the pool, cleaning filter and turning chlorinator on, doing the wash and hanging it out to dry, bring the trash out, sweeping the whole place, picking up, making beds, making breakfasts, washing dishes. I gotta make sure everyone brushes their teeth and hair. Today I have to go to Biloxi to take Anna for his physical and than come back and pick up Kayla's friend for a sleepover. Damn, I sound like a regular mom almost!

School starts next Thursday, one week to go. The kids are ready to go back. Three of them are supposed to have further testing for the Excel program, I wonder if they are going to do it or just go ahead and put them all in?

I've got Kurt Nilsen cranked up, it's hard to sit still, I'm ready to get cleaning and fixing breakfast. It's not too hot right now. I should cut the grass this weekened too. Oh yeah, the cow manure we put on our plants and trees is working. Basically almost everything we put in the ground here starves for lack of nitrogen. My confederate rose bush is turning dark green and growing, and Kayla's cucumber plant which we thought was dead, is back, dark green, sprouting flowers and cucumbers. I can't believe it. Something so simple is the answer to being able to grow things here. I cannot wait to have a big garden next year. I haven't seen much change in the citrus trees yet, I guess time will tell. My banana plant is doing awesome this year. The leaves are bigger than I've ever seen them and I've had it two and a half years. The trunk is getting huge. I made a mistake of planting it on the north side of the trailer though, but that's the only place no one stomps around. When I dug up that plant from our old place it was tiny and actually died back to the bulb several times because the kids were stomping it. So I planted it in the one spot I knew no one would bother it. Now I don't think I will move it because it's doing so well. I wish it would sprout some suckers though, I want some more!!

Life is still a crap samich here most of the time lately, but today I feel better equipped to handle it. Christy said just leave it to God and try not to worry about it and last night I decided to do just that. I feel wonderful today. Now he just needs to keep the kids and other drivers safe because I'm hitting the road today!!

I don't like...

2008-07-31T12:18:00.000-07:00

that I'm 33 years old and still don't know who I am. I'm so busy wanting to be like someone else that I really don't know who I am. I feel like I have no identity sometimes. I shouldn't still be "lost" at this point in my life. I should be ready to help my kids through that point in their lives. Either this will backfire on me and they'll hate me, or I will be more sympathetic to their struggles and I'll be able to help. It could go either way at this point. If I had to pinpoint my problem I would say I'm just desperately lonely down to my soul. My stomach hurts typing that, it's brutally honest. I'm not really 'real' to most people so I don't have that emotional connection with anyone. I don't even know if I like myself. I can't find anything good about me. I desperately want Michael to be someone I can have that connection with and enjoy life with, but it's not happening and I don't think it ever will and that makes me very sad. I just don't think I can ever get over what we went through enough to feel emotionally safe with him ever again. I thought I could, I thought I could go on like it was no big deal, but it never goes away. It's a back cloud hanging over my subconsious. I can't imagine living out the rest of my life feeling this way, not knowing true happiness. I miss those extreme highs of the teenager years, now I'm in the middle to lows most of the time. No, I don't think I need more lexapro, I think considering my life's circumstances what I'm feeling is normal, it just feels good to voice it.

Superman~Five for Fighting
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird...i'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

This sounds weird but this song really "gets" me. I'm not saying I'm superman or anything, but everyone thinks I'm superhuman here and doesn't stop to consider my feelings.

It sounds funny but I don't feel like a woman, I don't feel like anything. An IT. Sometimes I feel like I'm deadening inside. It's such a waste because deep down I have so much to offer. Now that I'm done nursing my last baby I think it's time to work on myself. If I can figure out how to do that. I always say that but then get lost in the kids and their drama. They will always come first, there is no doubt in my mind about that. I gotta learn to get that balance just right.

It's always funny that these feelings come out when I'm not depressed. It must be the really "real" stuff. Stuff that doesn't just come up because I'm down. That's why I think my blog is good therapy. I can put it down and forget about it until I want to revisit it one day. I figure this is all a bit of history for generations after me. I love History and realize how important it is to leave traces of you, your life, and your story behind. Good or bad it's the real stuff. I don't use this blog looking for sympathy or anything like that, but sometimes I feel like it's one way I can share the real piece of me with family and friends. Sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's joyous, like Forrest Gump said, "Life's like a box of chocolates..you never know what you're gonna get." That sounds so silly but it's so profound.

Our Trip Out

2008-07-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it started off rough. Blinding, pouring rain came down just as we left, I could hardly see where I was driving for the first 10 minutes of the trip. I was so grateful to hit the line where there was no more rain. We got there a little bit early and waited outside the door by the fountain. Anna was being a little demon. A mom and her two kids showed up just before the door opened and she ran in and signed in first. That was kind of rude I thought, she knew we were waiting there first. Than somehow the guy who signed in behind me was called before we were too. Grrr, even the kids noticed. Anna is fine and perfectly healthy and cleared for her dental work in a few weeks. She got the last of her Hepatitis shots and than we had to go to the lab for a blood draw since she didn't have her lead test at 12 months. It didn't go well, the lady was trying to draw blood from the antecubital with a regular needle. I was thinking when I first saw her take it out she should have been using a butterfly in the hand, I wish I had said something now. It was pure torture watching her dig around in Anna's arm. Needless to say she didn't get it and I wasn't about to put Anna through it again for a lead test. I'm pretty sure Anna is fine anyway. The blood work wasn't necessary for the doctor to sign off on the dental procedure. I was so glad to get out of there. I made it back to 15 and once again hit heavy rain before having to get on that stinking dirt road. It was slippery and scary and our van is notorious for throwing it's belt when it's wet and on a dirt road. I made it though, picked up Kayla's friend and got back home in one piece. I'm so tired from being stressed all that time. I got home and made us all dinner and I am so blessed to be cool right now. It's only 79 degrees in here, Thank you God for that. I'm just beat though. Kayla and her friend just went swimming and have been running around in here and watching the 3D Hannah Montana thing on and off. Her friend has to go home early in the morning to spend time with her sister who is going to live with her Dad in LA for the school year. Her mom is a bus driver and has a meeting in the morning and than will come and get her. They only live a few minutes down the road, too bad it's that treacherous road though. There is talk of it being paved sometime in the next few years, I hope so.

Michael called the courthouse and evidently he has to track down the deputy and show him his evidence. The deputies don't turn in their tickets until a few days before court dates usually so they don't have record of it at the courthouse yet. It's always some crap.

I've decided to not even stress over the back to school thing. I just want to get Anna taken care of and than I will get the kids some new things. I know it sucks for them right now, but they seem to understand when I told them why this was happening. They really are pretty good kids. I admit to having a good time with them.

Well, I'm off to watch Wipeout. That show just cracks me up for some reason, nothing like watching people take huge spills. Heehee.

Oh my new discovery thanks to the kids is The George Lopez Show. It's on Nickelodeon and he makes me snort giggle like Everybody Loves Raymond. Old reruns of Family Matters been cracking me up too. I love the one where Urkel goes to the dentist. They don't make sitcoms like they used to.

Dentist Stuff

2008-07-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a call from Michael. He took Anna to the pediatric dentist this morning to get her teeth looked at because of decay starting on the front and in two of her molars. They must have got in right on time at 8am because he was already on the road at 830am calling me. They will fix her teeth, but she has to be put under to do it and the next date is August 12th. Medicaid will pay all but $275. They are paying about $1000. We've got some not so tough decisions to make. This was a school shopping payday along with satelite bill and car insurance. Along with $80 for gas and $100 for food. As soon as we pay the $275 they will book her for the 12th so I'm hoping the date will still be open by the time we get the money together. They will use silver filling in her two molars and also on her front teeth but than cover the front with white. I bet that's what is costing us, the cosmetic part of the front teeth. They said the cavities were really close to the nerve. I will gladly let the satelite be shut off for 2 weeks, but we'd still have to take money from school shopping. I could do that too, I would just get the kids new shoes, get their backpacks, and maybe one new outfit each and than hit the thrift store. Mikey needs clothes the worst. I'm not sure how things will work out, but they usually do. I only half finished their school supply shopping and they don't have backpacks yet. Never mind socks and underwear. We can't let the car insurance go, there is no way around that. I guess we thought Medicaid would cover the whole repair, we had no way of knowing we'd have a big out of pocket expense. I know compared to the $1000 it could have been it's not big, but it's big to us. So the question is, what do I sacrifice? I'm willing to sacrifice the tv, but who gets what for school clothes without hurt feelings? Who goes without half their school supplies for two weeks? $100 for two weeks of food is not a lot for a family of our size either.

To top that off, Michael was hoping our pediatrician could sneak a physical in for Anna today while he was in the area, but they couldn't. She has to have a physical before they can put her under for her dental work. So I have to drag five kids to Biloxi tomorrow for her 130pm appointment. That should be fun. I dread the drive and how am I gonna fit five kids in the exam room? They'll probably make me keep the other four out in the waiting room on their own, which makes me anxious more than anything. I hate times like these, I know they will pass, but my stomach hurts for now. I just want Anna's teeth fixed so she'll feel better. On the 12th, Dani and Mikey have appointments in Wiggins at a dentist at 330pm. So Anna will have her stuff done in the morning in Gulfport, and than Michael will have to take the other two to Wiggins. It all just happened that way, he happens to have that day off and everything just came up like that. I guess it's good it worked that way, but it's going to be a hard day. The place in Wiggins would only take 2 kids per family at a time so I'll have to bring the other 2 on a different day. You'd think with gas prices people would be more willing to help ya out and make things easier. It's very hard logistically having a large family. I enjoy them all but when it comes to stuff like this, it's very difficult.

Well, I gotta find breakfast for the kids, they are fussing at me and my mind is just whirling in a thousand different directions.

Shitty day

2008-07-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

Crap, when things suck, they suck big time. To get Anna's teeth fixed we'll have to pay the $275 OR fee because they have to put her to sleep to do it all. On the plus side they will do the 4 root canals and 6 crowns, plus a cleaning and flouride treatment all at the same time. She'll be good for six months after that. It takes out my whole budget pretty much though and guarantees our satelite will be cut off for a few weeks. I don't care, at least she'll be fixed. The kids will get their supplies, new shoes, and backpacks, but have to get a few outfits only at the thrift store.

Than on the way home Michael calls to say that he got a ticket for a switched tag on our van. What the hell? We've never switched that tag. We put it on outside the tax place when we get it. He's all upset and trying to figure it out, we had to run to the tax place and get a correct tag put on it so I can drive Anna to her physical tomorrow. He gets them to look up the tag we had on the white truck and it comes back as surrendered. Michael told them if it's surrendered why do I still have it? He said two of our vehicle tags were only one digit off from the other, and he thinks they messed up typing and when we turned in our Jackson County tag they gave us the wrong Stone County Vehicle tag. We have to find a way to prove it now. Lord knows how much the ticket is, I know the cop didn't believe him, but why should he, that stuff goes on all the time. We have two vehicles insured, the only 2 we drive, so why would we play switcheroo with an uninsured vehicle tag? We just registered the van not too long ago, or what we thought was the van, turns out it was the truck even though the tag was on the van. GRRRRR. What a freakin mess. We are barely getting by as it is and if we can't find the mess up we'll be stuck with a ticket. The lady at the tax office even said it was weird we had a surrendered tag in hand. There is definitely a problem somewhere. But honestly, we didn't cause it. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but all of this stuff on my mind is giving me a splitting headache. To top all of that off I have to drive all the kids to Biloxi tomorrow for Anna's appointment. I used to drive to the same place for my maternity checkups but I hate doing it, the turn onto the busy street is on scares me because I have to turn onto it and than change lanes. Traffic comes from left, right, and straight at the same time. I just want it over with. I told Michael to drop the money off to the dentist on Friday before he comes home to ensure her appointment gets scheduled.

One of the kids down the road wanted to come visit tomorrow but now we have to go tell her we won't be here. Kayla's friend was thinking to sleepover today or tomorrow, so tomorrow night would be better.

Ooh , I smell rain. There it is. Woohooo. I gotta fix some lunch for everyone, it's 230pm though, might as well make an early dinner now.

Tropical Moisture

2008-07-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

We've got an area of tropical moisture south of the coast that is bringing it up here. It feels yucky. On the upside it's increasing our chances of rain greatly, woohoo. Yesterday was just miserable and they were talking about heat indexes of 105 to 110 today so if it would rain we might be ok. You can tell when the air is saturated, we wake up at night feeling wet and cold with the humid air being pumped in the windows with fans. I hate that feeling. Anna woke up screaming Mama, Mama, Mama last night. After that she wouldn't stay off of me. She layed on my stomach or put her whole body on top of mine, just laying on my shoulder wasn't good enough for her. She must have had a horrible dream. The poor kid is exhausted now, she's still passed out at 820am. I'm feeling guilty about sending her to the dentist with Michael without me now. It would only add to the stress if all the rest of the kids were there. I'm afraid to hear how bad her teeth might be, and I'm especially dreading the day they fix them up, knowing they'll have to sedate her to do it terrifies me. With next to no light in that camper I never saw her teeth getting bad, I never noticed until we moved into here and saw it in the sunlight. I feel so guilty about it that it's eating me up. The other kids never had trouble with their teeth at that age. I just want it all over with. Last night was night 4 completely off nursing and it's going pretty well. She hasn't quite forgotten about it yet but she accepts it when I tell her no. Since she's not sleeping in her crib, I went ahead and moved it into her room she will share with Kayla. When she's ready we'll move her in there.

A friend of mine mentioned a dentist in Wiggins that would take Medicaid so Michael is going to cancel the other four kids' appointments in Pascagoula and make an appointment there. Pascagoula would have been a very long trip, over an hour. Wiggins is right in town with their schools. We have dental insurance, just not the money right now to cover deductibles on 5 kids and getting their teeth cleaned, examined, and fixed is really important right now. Not to mention the gas money saved by switching to a dentist closer by. I can drive them every six months to their appointments there too, which means Michael wouldn't have to use anymore vacation time to do that.

I'm not the only one trying to cut back and save money in any way possible, everyone is. We have the money to pay our bills and put food on the table, but we want to have money to fix up this trailer too. It's really important to me that we insulate as much as we can before it gets cold. I was miserable in that camper a few times when the power was out during the winter and it was small and had insulation. I can only imagine how it would feel in here right now. Even though the cold sounds good about now, in reality it wouldn't be.

We did a big cleaning around here yesterday but I didn't get to Kayla and Anna's room so I will hit that before it gets too hot today. Kayla was given a bunch of clothes I have to find room for, plus she has the computer in there, a big keyboard, Anna's crib, and all of Anna's toys. Good thing that bedroom is a little bit bigger than the others.

Dani said she could hear the coyotes real good the other night when the power was out. The rain must have brought them out. We only hear them every once in awhile, but it's a very scary sound. They echo off the woods. It sounds like there is a pretty big pack of them. She was freaked out and was glad when the power came back on so her fan would cover their noise.

The kids go back to school next week. I always have mixed feelings about it. It's hard to change a routine once you get in to one plus they've been good company this summer. Anna is going to be lost without them. She loves having the kids to mess with. I know they dread hearing the sound of her foot steps in the hallway because that means she's coming their way to mess with stuff in their rooms.

Well, the kids should be getting up soon and I have to feed them, wash dishes, get laundry started, comb Anna's hair, and clean Kayla's room. I have to get the paperwork for Anna's dentist printed out and ready to go too. They put their forms on their website and ask that you bring them with you filled out to save some time. That's smart thinking!

I'm hoping to enjoy a nice rainy day today. Time will tell I guess

Rechargeable Baby

2008-07-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

All of this.....

Leads to this.

Anna is a busy beaver. She sat down by my legs and fell asleep. I had to pick her up and put her on the bed and she didn't move a muscle. She goes and goes and goes until her battery just wears out. Good thing she's rechargeable.

2 for 2

2008-07-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Wow, we got two pretty good storms the last two days. Lots of rain, wind, and lightning. I think we got over an inch of rain yesterday, and than last night the sky opened up on us again. We lost power around 8pm last night though and didn't get it back until midnight or so. I only managed to think about dragging my camera out when the storm was almost over so I didn't really get an spectacular photos, but I did manage to catch some lightning. I missed an awesome show by waiting so long. We were up at Michael's parents when the power went out and stayed awhile after that until the pouring rain stopped. We got back home and expected the power would be on soon but it wasn't. It wasn't miserably hot in here at least, with the doors and windows open it was ok, but we are all used to sleeping with fans in our faces so it was hard to sleep. The mosquitoes were attacking like crazy with the doors open. I finally got cranky pants Anna to bed only to keep waking her scratching a mosquito bites. She wouldn't allow me to cover her up to keep her from getting bitten either. I finally grabbed my ipod and watched Fool's Gold in between little cat naps. Last night was night 3 of no nursing for Anna. She had been cut off from all day nursing for about 3 days prior to that. So I guess she's officially done nursing now, every now and than before bed she asks for milk, but I give her a little cup of strawberry milk and turn spongebob on and she usually falls asleep like that. Last night was difficult with the power out, she couldn't watch spongebob. We've given up on the crib for now, one thing at a time I guess. Whenever she forgets about nursing all together we'll go back to trying the crib. Usually she gets so worn out during the day she falls asleep pretty easily at night. Michael's mom gave us a little money to use towards the trailer. That was so sweet of her. We sat on it a few days but Sunday we were so miserably hot that we went to town and got some fans and some ice cream. We really needed the fans and I guess you could say the money went to the trailer. It was 102 in here yesterday when we left for town. Michael can't take it, and he wonders why I'm cranky after sitting in here all day while he's at work. It's different being that hot outside, but you don't really expect your home to be so miserable. I know we'll make it through the summer, it's just getting to that point. Thank goodness for the pool. All the rain we've been getting has cooled the water off nicely. I need to go out there and clean the filter and turn the chlorinator back on. We had to go back to the pump that came with the pool, that one we were using was going bad and we found out it was the cause of our huge power bills. The chlorinator was made to hook up to that pool's pump so it was no trouble puting it back on there. I just have to go clean the paper filter every now and than to keep the water flow high enough for the chlorinator. I was troubled this weekened seeing a family member drunk and with a beer in hand. I'm very worried about it, though Michael doesn't seem to be. I've seen the way he used to be, it was horrible. I know he's lonely and he feels like he had more women when he was drinking, but if he goes down that road again he could lose everything he has built up for himself. We're supposed to not tell anyone, he came up here that way to swim with the kids and of course they were shocked to see the beer in hand. It's only a matter of time before they tell someone. I have plans to clean, clean, clean today, but I'm sure all that will go out the window once it gets hot. Than we'll be in the pool. So sad. Our broody duck finally hatched a duckling, but either it died, or the other ducks killed it. They dragged it's body to the little pond. I'm so sick over it. We've always hatched ducks and never had a duck hatch her own babies so I was so excited. Mama duck was so upset, she was trying to attack all the other ducks. What was strange is the baby duckling was white, usually they are yellow or black or some combination of both. I've got a picture of the mama duck sitting on her nest before the duck hatched. She made a nest out of her own feathers. I didn't know we would have to separate a broody duck. Next time I see her go broody I will fence off the area her nest is in so the rest can't get in there. Kayla had her first sleep over this weekend and her friend's mama dropped her off while the duck drama was going on. I really like her though. So we're going to have her friend sleep over here Wednesday or Thursday. Kayla was exhausted though, and when she's that tired every little thing gets to her so she cried alot during our trip to Walmart. Of course Michael being an ass didn't help either. The kids expect breakfast the minute their feet hit the floor. Anna went and woke up the Wicked Witch of the West (Dani) and than everyone else followed suit. Kayla is still tired and wants to go back to bed so they are mad at her now because I only fix breakfast once, and that's when everyone is up and about. School starts August 7th. Yay for me in one way, boo in another. Anna won't have anyone to play with and she is going to drive me nuts. She can't wait to wake them all up in the mornings. We're trying to lower our power bills but forgot the ACs were on when the power went out so they've been on since midnight. Sigh, I can't win. Michael has been reading the meter and keeping track of how we are doing trying to save electricity, but we're still on track for a $200 power bill, probably more, because we ran that stupid pump the whole first billing week. I didn't get to tape Army Wives last night because the power was out. I'm really hoping they show repeats of it sometime during the week. I look forward to that show on Sunday nights. We loaded some of Carl's cow crap around all our plants and trees. I'm thinking I'm seeing some improvement, or maybe it's wishful thinking. I figured out our soil is nitrogen deficient, so while things might start growing, they stop rather quickly. We added lime to that soil is as well. Some of the lower leaves on my confederate rose bush look dark green again, but I don't know if that's from our doctoring or not. Maybe all the rain will get the cow crap down into the soil good and really get them going. I love growing things, but it's so hard here. Santa is supposed to bring me a roto tiller this year so I can make my own big garden next spring. I'll till up a huge spot on the North side of the trailer and prepare the soil with lime and fertilizer, chicken and cow crap. I'll let it all sit in there a few weeks and turn it under again before I plant. I don't mind the labor, I just have to have the know how. This payday is clothes shopping day for the kids. That should be fun, along with finishing supply shopping. I gotta dig out my Burke's cards and my list for the stuff we still need. It's still so hot when they go back to school, it's not fun buying fall stuff right now. I think I will do Mikey first, he always seems to get short changed on clothes. The girls were all given a bunch of clothes from Kayla's friends so at least they have new-to-them clothes.

This is a redneck clothes dryer. Haahaa. I think I had a smudge on my camera on a few of these pics. I always forget to wipe the lense when I take pics. Anna usually gets ahold of it. I've had this camera almost 3 years though! I use our sun shelter to line dry my clothes. It works though. I just throw them in the dryer on fluff for a little while after I bring them in. I love the smell of the clothes too, it's like the soap smell stays in better when they haven't been in the dryer.

This is Marble, the broody duck. Poor thing lost her baby. One of the eggs was rotten and than her baby died.

Someone at work gave Michael these two battery operated Razor scooter things. The batteries are bad in the scooter but the kids have been riding on the little motorcycle. It's funny to watch.

Mikey jumped into Anna's little float so I had Michael run and get the camera. Hahaa, It was so funny. He kept complaining his balls hurt. Anna won't sit in that either unless she has a diaper on, it's a very poorly thought out design as far as the seat goes.

By the time I had the idea to get the camera out, there wasn't much lighting left to snap. Every time I'd set up to take the pic, I wouldn't get a good lightning bolt until the camera was busy processing the photo of nothing before. Hahaa, it was funny but frustrating, like God was teasing us with it. Every time I'd say "Well, I'm done for the night" He'd light up with sky with about 10 bolts all the way across. Of course I missed them. I've got my tripod by the door now for next time we have a night storm. I took these photos out our bedroom door.

Amber

2008-07-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Amber loves anything to do with the weather. She's obsessed with tornadoes and any show that comes on television about weather. I was hoping she'd be a meteorologist or something, but instead she informs us she's going to be a storm chaser. Siggghhhhh.

White Trash

2008-07-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

We went and registered all the kids for school last night, and wouldn't you know it, we ran into the Perk school nurse, the one that gave me such a hard time last year I had a break down on the phone with her. Michael went to turn in our papers and she says with her nose up in the air. "Ohhhh, it's the Richard's." Hmmm, Michael wasn't going to let the sarcasm pass and he says. "Ohhh, it's the school nurse, the one that kept calling all the time last year. OOh, they got the sniffles, gotta call." She says "I'm just doing my job." Michael says "well, you do it very well." Haahaaa. We were giggling half way home about it. If he hadn't done that I would have been still upset by her treatment of us. She tried to kiss his ass right before we left something about us being more diligent about it than most parents. What the hell? If she's having such bad problems with us, I can only imagine what the other parents are doing. I could only go get the kids about 50% of the times she called. She doesn't seem to get that we live 30 minutes away from the school, she wants to call at 2pm for a sick child and if I went I wouldn't make it back in time for the bus. I learned by the end of the year to drive to both schools so that's not an issue this year, but gas prices are and whether I have the van handy or not is. The day she caused me to go postal on her ass I had to go and get Mikey. It was an awards day, cars everywhere, no place to park, I was terrified driving but I did it. Got home below Empty on the gas tank, was white knuckling the steering wheel the whole time. She calls me 30 minutes after getting home to come get Kayla. I told her I couldn't, Anna was puking, and puked in the car while I went to get Mikey, and I had no gas left. She said "Well, that doesn't sound to good, I can always call child welfare services." My BP went through the roof, I was in tears hollering at her to leave me alone, I was doing the best I could than I hung up and called Michael and told him what she said about taking the kids away. He called her back and of course she was very polite to him. If I really absolutely cannot pick up a sick child this year, she's more than welcomed to send them home with the police. They better be near death though or she can explain to them why she's wasting their time for one of my kids' famous "stomach aches." I'm hoping since we are out of that camper and spread out now they will get sick less. Besides, with no walls, ceilings, or insulations, maybe all the sick germs will freeze along with us. Haahaaa.

I don't care if this makes me seem like a bad parent. I'm not. I take good care of my kids despite awful circumstances we have been through and are still living. If I say I have no gas, I'm not lying, I have no gas. If Michael has to leave work to get them, it would take him over an hour to get there and we'd lose out on pay. I don't send them to school sick, if I even think they might be sick I leave them home. Michael says if she thinks we were good last year about calling back, wait until she sees what she gets this year, an answering machine every single time. Which I'm not gonna do that, because I'd be too worried one of them was really ill or injured. But I'm not going all the way up there because one of them has a 99 degree fever. Yep, that's been tried on me too. I can get a 99 fever leaving my winter jacket on in the building. Michael told the kids they better be near dead to go to the nurse this year. It's not just the nurse thing, Dani will call me on the phone begging me to come get her for no good reason other than a headache or a stomach ache. I've struggled at times to get her rides home only to find out there wasn't a damn thing wrong with her. I'm not puting up with crap from anyone this school year and that's including the kids faking sick.

Anyway, I officially feel like white trash because of someone who acts holier than though, probably lives in a big house next to the school, and has not endured the things we have. People want to kick us while we're down instead of giving us a hand up. I'm tired of that. Michael even said he wishes all the people that gave us a hard time would come live at our place for awhile, and even this is a step up from the camper. Obviously I'm doing something right with my kids. 3 are going through further testing for the gifted program, and all of them make all As and Bs most of the time. Their projects always get done, their papers always get signed, and punishments are handed out as necessary when they cut up at school. On one hand you got the nurse treating us like white trash and telling everyone how awful we are, on the other you got teachers telling us what good parents we are after handling Mikey's little rebelious period last year. (He got the belt and had to write different apology letters to all his teachers, his bus driver, and his Sunday School teacher.) Some things are beyond our control. If after feeding the kids, paying the bills, and filling one vehicle for Michael to get to work in I don't have gas to come up to the school, than that's just the way it is. We do the best we can. We've already cut out anything fun from our lives except the internet which the kids need for school work as well. Than you got someone real intelligent puting school orientations on back to back nights with the Elm school having one on the same night as the middle school. We told one of the ladies at the middle school we couldn't come both nights. She caught my drift right away and said with gas prices that's too much to be expected. She told us when we bring Amber to hers just go ahead and stop by the office and ask if you can get Dani's schedule too so we don't have to come the next night. Dani doesn't need an orientation, she's been at that school 2 years, she just needs her schedule. Hopefully I don't forget, it's August 4th at 6pm. It's important for Amber to go and be able to see her new school and where her classrooms are.

Anna is being impossible, she wants my eyes on her every waking and non waking second. I'm so tired. I hate to admit it, but when Michael takes her to the dentist on July 30th, I think I'm going to enjoy having a few minutes to breathe. I figure they will be gone about 4 hours, that's the longest I will have ever been away from her. We are doing good on the weaning, but not so good on getting her into her own bed. She's so bad that even when she's sleeping with us I can't even get up to pee without her throwing a fit. She's securely attachment parented that's for sure, now I can't cut the apron strings. She's got me feeling stressed at 847am.

We figured out the source of our power bill skyrocketing. The old pool pump Michael found and has been using on our pool. He's been reading the meter every day and keeping an Excel chart. The day before the meter read 70 and yesterday, when I couldn't get the pump to stay on, it read 52. Or something like that, the numbers are in the ballpark anyway. I've already quit using my dryer to help on our bill, I've been line drying and than fluffing. We also shut down the ACs at 9pm at night. We were running that pool pump 24/7. We still need to use it, to get us through the summer. We'll get a new one next year but we're cutting it down from running it 24/7, to just 6 hours or so, if that much. Supposedly the chlorinator only needs to run 3 to 4 hours. So maybe I will only run the pump for that long too. As far as circulation we are in the pool three times a day. Even in the camper with all the same stuff we have now, and using the dryer several times a day and the two ACs running 24/7 our bill was usually around $170. I'm enjoying line drying though, it's a little peace of serenity. It's very peaceful and relaxing hanging and taking down clothes. I'm still able to keep up with my wash like I always have and am saving on electricity. Speaking of which though it's supposed to rain this afternoon so I need to go get the daily load hung out. So that's enough rambling for today.

Sunset~July 24th, 2008

2008-07-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

I took these photos last night, the sky looked so pretty. I wasn't the only one who noticed because they mentioned it on the weather later that night. The lighter colored photo I took with the camera's custom and vivid setting. The darker ones I took manually. I sat on the front steps and snapped the photos. I'm trying to get back into a photo taking mood.

Back at home.

2008-07-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Even though we live in a camper we were still glad to be back home. I'm a homebody any way and I like to have kind of a routine.

Anna found a blanket she really likes. It was my baby blanket! She likes the satiny edges on it, but it's all falling apart and I'm afraid she's going to strangle herself. I have to watch her with it.

Kayla playing with Dr.Philbilly. He doesn't mind his pen most of the time. We had to pen him because he likes to head butt. Kayla is giving him a little loving, he gets lonely sometimes.

Duck eggs. Not sure which of the three female ducks these belong too, but we are hoping she will hatch some baby chicks sometime.

Anna on a stroller ride up the hill. She was playing possum.

Surprise! She wasn't really sleeping.

So much for getting the grass cut before I left. You can see I didn't get much done.

Stuff floating around my head.

2008-07-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

I wish I could capture the thoughts in my head when they are in there because I forget them pretty soon afterwards. I was cleaning out the van and got to thinking about things. Kind of an odd jumble of things really.

You know how certain events in life seem to have a soundtrack? Like September 11th's song seems to have been Only Time by Enya, and for Katrina everyone associated Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls with the disaster. It's funny though, when I think of Katrina my song is the Rascal Flatts song Stand.

Only Time~Enya
Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,
As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be ,in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart.....

Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time

Better Days~GooGoo Dolls
And you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this good and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things,
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Chorus:
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again

and its someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and let's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's 10 million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again

i wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again

cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Stand~Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh

[Repeat Chorus]

I also got this weird idea in my head that maybe we were somewhat of an inspiration to people Now don't go thinking that I'm narcissistic or have a big head but just some of the events I'm remembering from post Katrina has me thinking that we were stories brought back home from people. I remember the pastor and his church group coming to visit and he asked me if I knew the way to heaven. I told him Yes, Jesus. He stood there a second and didn't seem to know what to say, than he said good answer. These people were so kind. They brought goodies for the kids and asked if we were doing ok and if there was anything they could do for us. My father in law had a church group to help him take down his gazebo so he could save the wood. In return he fed them shrimp, and corn, and potatoes, and all the fixings. They sat around under the carport and visited and they were interested in the disaster so I brought out all the photos. I didn't hang around, I just brought the albums out and went back to my camper to take care of the kids. I had forgotten I had pictures of Isabella's headstone and all that in there. I came out later to pick up the albums and they were concerned about what a rough few months we'd had. I'm sure that was a story they carried back. 4 kids running around the disaster filled yard probably affected the red cross workers that came around with hot meals twice a day. They always had a kind word and a treat for the kids, even an extra meal for the dog. I had a cross put up for Christmas that year, wrapped in white lights and put up by our camper. When we were finished I tossed it into the wood pile as trash. A church group that was visiting my inlaws saw it and wanted to take it. It was not very neatly put together by me with scrapwood and nails found after the storm. I wonder about it sometimes, if it's standing somewhere up north. I guess I have more good memories than bad in the immediate aftermath of Katrina. At least at that time there was sheer determination and hope. Too bad it dwindled as time went on. I decided that I would love to work for the Red Cross when the kids are up in age. I know, all those memories to come to that conclusion, what can I say, God has a strange way of talking to you sometimes and getting his point across. We're about 5 weeks away from the 3rd anniversary of the storm so I guess that's where all these thoughts are coming from.

We are and have been having van troubles. Electrical troubles to be more specific, Michael kind of thinks rats have chewed some wires in there. It's possible, things have been going haywire slowly for awhile and there is evidence of some nesting in there. Also though I looked up the VIN number and saw there was a recall on it. The clockspring from 2004. We haven't had troubles until the past year or so. The horn doesn't work and the cruise control and the air bag is one. Those are definite signs of clockspring trouble. We have a lot of mileage on that van, but the recall said if they looked at it and that was the problem they'd fix it no charge even if the van was over 70K miles. The gauges went out today and the check engine light came on, half the radio speakers don't work, and the AC lights blink. I think a lot of that is something to do with the wiring. At least I'm hoping so because we certainly can't afford to replace the computer and I don't know if that's something you can get from Barry's U Pull it. Haaahaaa.

Last night was night two of operation Wean and Crib the baby. It went a little better. I make sure to wear her ass out during the day too. No nap. She's down to one nursing session a day, and the one she had before bed lasted 2 minutes or less because she passed out. I moved her to her crib at 930pm and she was sleeping good but there was an incident going on around here with Michael and the two older girls that caused me to wake up and go get in the middle and than I couldn't sleep because it bothered me so I turned on my radio softly to listen to Kurt Nilsen to help me relax and I woke her up. Ok, how's that for a run on sentence? Qubaoag should be so proud..haaa. I managed to get her back to sleep after cuddling and I think she stayed that way until 3am or so. Michael got up with her and somehow she ended up in our bed but I didn't nurse her. I must have slept good to make up for the night before because I don't remember much or even how she got into my bed. I wonder how long it will take before she sleeps through the night in her crib?

Anyway the incident that bothered me was the girls were scared of a grasshopper in their room and kept coming in to get Michael to get rid of it. He was aggravated and didn't want to mess with it and got mad because they were freaking out. I guess he ended up hitting on Amber, I don't know how or with what if anything but this kept on awhile. Stuff was being dropped or thrown and the two girls were crying and trying to get away from him. Dani tried to get in the middle to get him to leave Amber alone and he was calling her names and hurting her feelings and it all sounded like a disaster. I wanted to go back to sleep and not deal with it but I had to step in. Amber was highly shaken and upset and crying hysterically, Dani was crying too. I went down the hall and told him to get out of there I would handle it. So I just told them if the grasshopper was still there it wouldn't bother them, it was one of the most harmless bugs that could be in there room. They could camp out together in the same room if they wanted to and watch tv as long as they kept the tv volume down. By the time I left they were somewhat calmed down and watching tv together. I just couldn't sleep after that though. It highly disturbed me and I don't really know all that went on. I just feel like he was bullying them beyond the need for the situation. I'm still bothered a lot by it and I wonder the border line is between abuse and punishment, but if you ask me no punishment was warranted in that situation. I told him that was a daddy's job to get rid of bugs and he should expect to be doing it with a houseful of girls. I then told him I was so glad he wasn't my dad. I didn't say anything else to him but went to bed when I got the girls settled. He's unneccesarily angry all the time and oversensitive to anything I say. If you ask me he's the one that's needed lexapro all this time and not me. I really didn't want to get into all this actually, it's not really something I like to discuss or even think about. I just think if things escalate to more than what happened last night he probably shouldn't be around the kids. Can you imagine the memories they are going to have of him if he keeps it up? Or how his actions are affecting their self esteem and well being?

We are trying to cut down around here so we'll have money to work on the trailer. We are cancelling blockbuster and netflix, and have already cut down the satelite by half. I'm line drying clothes now too. Our power bill was $288 and I don't know why. We only run the ACs during the day, we only have lights in one room. I do 2 or 3 loads of wash a day so maybe the dryer is jacking it up. Can you imagine what our bill would be if we had central heat and air and lights in every room? Michael turned the water heater way down too. I hope to see an improvement in next month's bill since I won't be running the dryer much, just enough to fluff the clothes for a few minutes off the line. I'm not sure what else we could do about the power. We sleep with fans and no AC. I'd have to get rid of the deep freezer, and the pool because of the pump, and not use the dryer at all. We are already suffering in the heat. It gets up to 103 in here during the day, so bad it makes you feel sick. We have to have the pool, it's our only escape from the heat of the day. Michael carpools at the halfway point to work and we don't go anywhere unecessarily. He's ready to look to a church group for help with this trailer or we'll end up freezing this winter if we don't do something quick. It's hard to stay positive when this isn't a very good life for the kids. I just hope the van is something he can fix easily. We have to go register the kids for school Thurs night and Anna has a dentist appointment on the 30th. Michael is thinking about trying to find a Saturday truck driving job or something.

Well, I got most of the housework done before it got real hot in here, but I still have a sink full of dishes. Washing them in cold water helps cool me down some and the kids and I stick our heads in the freezer when we get truly miserable.

We pushed off the satelite bill so we could get the school supplies that were on sale at walmart. If we waited until next payday the sale would have been over. I couldn't resist 5 cent notebooks and the binders were $1 cheaper. The teachers always want these vinyl three prong pocket folders which are impossible to find if you wait too long. So we got them all now. The lists are huge. I might copy and paste them in my next blog.

I thought it was so sweet that my father in law was out building steps for Bruce's camper yesterday. Bruce was surprised when he got home. He was using this cut piece of piling for his step and it was very wobbly. That was so cool he did that for him out of the blue like that. Made the whole set of stairs from scrap wood he had. I like when people can pleasantly surprise you, it makes me feel good. Like the gift I was sent in the mail recently. That just made my day too.

I still have to pick up the pile of stuff I threw out of the van that didn't belong there, get clothes off the line and fluff and fold them and put away, wash the sink full of dishes, sweep this whole place, and clean up Kayla's room and the bathroom. I also need to run out and check on the pool pump. It keeps getting really hot during the day and shutting down so I'm going to unplug it until tonight before it burns up. I ran the chlorinator for 12 hours last night so the pool should be clean and clear and chlorinated enough to make it without the pump until this evening. You never know with this hot and humid weather though. If we had a decent pump I wouldn't have to mess with that pool at all. I love the salt water system.

I think I'm done rambling until later.

Yard pics by request.

2008-07-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'm in hell.

2008-07-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've got to wean Anna from night nursing because it's decaying her teeth. We've got an appointment for her with a pediatric dentist to look at them and we told them what our concerns are. I want to have her done nursing by her appointment on the 30th. That all sounds easy, but it's not. The kid is hyper and for two years the only way she would sleep is to nurse first. Not only am I trying to do that but we found her a crib at a garage sale this weekend and she now has her first ever bed. She won't sleep in it. If she falls asleep in my bed I move her, but she only sleeps a few hours at a time, she's always been that way. Michael won't help, he says to just let her cry it out. She was freezing cold crying curled up on top of her blankets at the end of her crib when I finally got her out after she had woken up fussing for mama 4 other times. I didn't let her nurse, instead tried to cuddle with her and rub her forehead and her back. Nothing worked. It's 545am and I've been up with her since 230am. I tried puting her back down after I got her out at 230am but she just stood in her crib screaming and I couldn't handle it. She's sitting here right next to me with her arm under mine holding on for dear life. I think she's hallucinating or something, she was freaking out a few minutes ago on the bed and crying and trying to get away from something. She has refused to get back on the bed until I sat her half on my lap so I could type this. I can't just let her scream for hours on end in her crib. Michael wants me to take away the only comforts she has known since she was born in one night. Honestly, it's hard on me too. Especially after Isabella's loss, it's hard to let go of Anna being my baby. I can't stand to see her so upset like that. I guess I have to figure this out on my own, ideally Michael should get up and comfort her or let her sleep next to him if she has to get back in our bed because she's only looking for one thing from me. She's having extreme anxiety right now and I don't know how to get through all of this. I'm exhausted. I'm so tempted to lay down with her and let her nurse so we can both get some sleep, but that would be a setback. We've been watching spongebob since Michael's alarm went off at 445am. He's all pissed off at me because I won't just let her scream in her crib all night. I swear he has a heart of stone sometimes.

I ended up caving and letting Bonnie's son spend the night with Mikey. This is it for the summer, every time they come over here to visit Michael's parents they want to leave their kids with me. I decided to go ahead and get it over with. I really don't feel like messing with anyone today never mind an extra kid. I didn't want to have anyone over while I'm dealing with this mess with Anna.

I kept a wet shirt on yesterday after swimming to keep from being so hot in this 102 degree trailer, BAD idea. I've got rashes under my armpits that hurt so bad I can hardly move my arms up and down. Oh well, my bad. You can't win sometimes. I got the grass cut yesterday and Michael did some of the really long stuff around the edges. He fixed up the pool filter and added more sand to it. He thinks we are having to backwash all the time because there wasn't enough sand in it. We added more salt and water to the pool. It had started to turn green because of low water flow wouldn't allow the chlorinator to come on. Now that he's got a new handle and more sand maybe it won't be a big pain anymore. It started clearing up really fast though once we got it all working again. I expect it will be mostly clear today as long as the filter isn't clogged from all the green stuff it's clearing out. I'll check on it later.

Holy cow, Anna is asleep next to me. She fell asleep watching Spongebob. It's going to be a hard day for her. Maybe I can sneak and catch some Zs. Kind of hard for me to sleep though with it being light out already. Sigh.

School Supply Lists

2008-07-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Kayla's List

Mesh or Clear book Bag
1 Box gallon zip lock bags (boys)
1 box quart zip lock bags (girls)
2 spiral bound notebooks
2 boxes 2 pencils
2 packages wide-ruled notebook paper
1 pair of scissors
1 box of kleenex (any brand)
1 plastic 3-prong folder with pockets
5 plain 3-prong Plastic folder with pockets
1 - Art Box
1 Large Box Baby Wipes
2 LargeSticks of Glue
1 package block erasers
2 Large glue sticks
Hand Sanitizer
Colored Pencils
24 Count Crayons

Mikey's List

Mesh or Clear Book Bag
2 - block erasers
1 - Box Colored Pencils
1 - pack of looseleaf paper wide ruled
7 - Subject Dividers
50 -2 Pencils (Enough for the year)
2 - Boxes Kleenex
1 - Hand Sanitizer
1 - Baby Wipes
1 - bottle Glue
8 - Composition Notebooks
2 - graph or quad notebooks for math
1 - hand held pencil sharpener
4 - plastic 3 prong folders w/pockets
1 - ruler

4 - small glue sticks
2 - bottles of Germ X
2 - Boxes Baby Wipes (Any Brand)
2 - Vinyl 3 - Prong folders w/pockets
5 - 1 Subject Spiral Notebooks
2 - Packages of erasers
1 - Package of Highlighers (Girls)
1 - Package of Red Pens (Boys)
1 - Scissors
2 - Packages of 2 Pencils
1 - box 24 Count Crayons
1 - Small Art Box
2 - Boxes Kleenex
2 - packages Loose Paper Wide Rule
No Trapper Keepers

Amber's List

Supplies Needed (Give to Homeroom Teacher):

1 - One Inch Three-ring binder with pockets (For Math Class no paper needed)

1 - Package of 3 x 5 index cards

1 - package of construction paper

1 - or more boxes of Kleenex

1 - Bottle of Hand sanitizer (Girls)

1 - Package of wet wipes (Boys)

Pocket/prong folders (four for each subject) Note: These inexpensive folders will supply your student one for each nine-week period.

4 Orange (Language Arts)

4 Blue (Math)

4 Red (Reading)

4 Yellow (Social Studies)

Students will need these supplies every school day) in their book bag!

A clear or mesh book bag

Pencils and a four-color pen

Handheld pencil sharpener with shavings container ( no battery powered)

Looseleaf notebook paper

12 Count colored pencils

Dani's List

Language Arts/Reading

1" - 3 ring binder

Loose leaf notebook paper

Crayons or Markers

Pencils

4 - color pen

1 Pack Construction Paper

5 - Dividers

Math

1/2" - 3 ring Binder with Clear Overlay Cover

Loose Leaf Notebook Paper

Pencils

Calculator TI30XIIS or better

History

1" - 3" Ring binder

College Rule Notebook Paper

Colored pencils

2 packs of note cards

Optional Item:

Paper reinforcements

Hand Sanitizer

Science

1" 3 - ring Binder

Loose Leaf Notebook paper

3 Dividers

Non-mechanical Pencils

Computer Discovery

1" - 3 Ring Binder

Loose leaf notebook paper

Pencil or Pens

Anna turns 2!!

2008-07-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Danielle Age 13 all dressed up.

Danielle and Kayla.

Danielle and the birthday girl.

Anna and Melancholy napping.

We found Anna a crib at a garage sale for one of her birthday presents and I got her an Elmo bed set.

She must have been really thirsty.

2008-07-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I forgot to blog this. Anna likes to play with our water dispenser. So I have to grab cups from her and put them up, heck I have to put up anything she can fill with water. Every now and than she'll actually drink the water she pours, but more often than not she just spills it, or pours it on one of the kids. She got slick on me yesterday. She took one of Michael's sandals and filled it up with water and drank it. EWWWWWEEE. It was gross but funny. I went and got her a juice box instead when I saw her doing that. She can find a thousand ways to get into something I swear. I spend my days chasing her out of trouble. While I'm in the middle of cleaning up one mess she's gotten into she's knee deep in another.

I got booboos in my ear. Ouch! I've been battling swimmer's ear in my right ear. It's always my right ear for any ear problems. I've been puting alcohol in it, I think I need to mix up some vinegar with that today. I forgot to put some in my ear last night after swimming so wetness must have sat in there all night. I'm hurting so bad today. It's miserable, it's starting to feel like an inner ear infection. I can't even stand to have the fan hitting it so I stuffed some tp in it. I only had two Ibuprofen left usually I take 4. I might have to avoid the pool for awhile which I hate to do since it's the only way to cool down around here.

Michael is wanting to spend $150 on a motorcycle and I want to kill him. He's getting a big paycheck due to overtime and I was relieved knowing I could pay the bills, go birthday shopping for Anna, keep extra money aside for gas, and start the back to school shopping. I understand he's wanting to save gas money, but right before school starts is not the time. I have this payday and a payday the day before school starts to get them ready to go. I imagine the supplies for all of them will run about $200. Clothes, minus shoes, socks, and underwear will probably be around $200 at Burkes where I'll get 35% off. I don't even feel like talking to him right now. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say in it, he made that clear. My excitement for this payday is gone. There will be no extra for anything if he does that. Not to mention I would like to work on the trailer and get some insulation done before winter. If Michael thinks he was freezing with it in the 60s the other night wait until winter comes. He doesn't think about long term consequences of his actions. He acts like he's just going to look at it and see but I figure he's already got his mind made up. I'm praying that thing is a total piece of crap and he won't get it. I already know there is no key to it. I'm tired of being the only one to think ahead about things. Than he tells me he wants to use tax return to fix up the yard. Fertilizer and grass and stuff, I said HELL NO. I'm not going through another summer like this, that tax return is puting in a central heat and air system. He just made a whatever face at me. He totally thinks I'm a bitch I'm sure, but someone has to be practical.

I can't even think anymore, the kids are fighting and pinching and whatever else. One is crying. Someone shoot me.

Poor Baby

2008-07-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I know why Anna couldn't sleep last night. I discovered a boil on her leg a little while ago. It was red, hard, and very swollen. She is a tough cookie that kid, those things hurt like hell. She wasn't too happy with me when I scraped at it and squeezed the nasty pus out. She handled it well though considering how much that hurts. She fussed a little after when I was cleaning it with alcohol, puting an antibiotic ointment on it and bandaging it, but she seems fine now. I bet the pain is already a lot less than it was before I popped it. I hate those things, we all started getting them after Katrina, but Anna wasn't alive through that. She got into a huge pile of ants a few weeks back and I think one of the bites is probably what started hers. I'm about to go swimming with them all but first I have to mix up some swimmer's ear stuff. I've got it bad and Kayla is complaining again too. I need to get some more peroxide when we go out this weekend. I need to find me a medicine dropper because it's so hard to pour stuff in their ears. The ibuprofen I took has barely touched the pain in mine so I'm a little leary of getting in the pool, but it's already 97 degrees in here and it's only 1pm. It will be about 102 by 4pm.

3 days until Anna's 2nd birthday!! She just rolled off the bed, she's not hurt, just mad. I think she's tired from not sleeping last night. So we're off for a swim and than it's naptime.

Wow, it got cool last night

2008-07-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up freezing this morning. It was in the 60s last night and I slept comfortably for the first time in awhile. Little things like that make a difference when you don't use an air conditioner. Maybe today will be a good day. At 8am it's only 72 in here, usually it's around 80 by now.

We went grocery shopping last night. Thank God. That's one less worry off my mind. I don't have to worry about what to feed the kids for the next few weeks or so. They'll be headed back to school before too long as well, we are going to start their school shopping this week I think. I just happened to browse the county website and saw that we have to go register them for school BEFORE school. Evidently we have to do this every year. What a hassle. I wonder if that's why the Superintendant's office has been trying to call. Michael said they tried to call three times yesterday while we were gone shopping. I never would have known we had to do that if I wasn't looking to see if they had supply lists online. They didn't leave a message so who knows what they wanted. I'm still waiting on Dani, Mikey, and Kayla to finish further testing for the Excel program. I haven't heard anything on that either.

Anna took off to wake everyone up, that's her job I guess. She woke up in a good mood.

You know what's not so funny? All these kids that want to sleep over here or eat here when we hardly have any groceries. Haahaa. Not funny. This last week before we shopped I was scraping up meals yet I had other kids here every other day. One of them from down the road came and asked if she could play with Kayla for a few hours. I think I was being used to babysit as her parents went off to work and didn't get home until 5 hours later. Michael had to take her home because our kids were leaving for VBS. Than the neighborhood boys keep coming around and they've been told 100 times not to bring their dogs because of our dog, our ducks on the loose, and my inlaws' chickens on the loose. I guess they finally learned because they came the other day without them, but even so I will never like that older boy. He lied about Mikey on the bus and I will never trust him not to do anything worse as they get older. He wrote on the seats but swore to the bus driver that Mikey did it. Mikey came home upset telling me he had to write 100 times but he didn't do it and the kid was lying. I knew Mikey was telling the truth, he never was on for writing on things he wasn't supposed to. If he had done it, I doubt he would have come in and told me everything, I probably never would have known. I didn't make him write and I told the bus driver I'm pretty sure he didn't do it. She later believed Mikey when the other kid was writing on other things and people. That little turd still wants to come over here, I guess he has no shame. Dani says he lies all the time. Someday he'll lie about something super serious and get someone innocent into trouble. I don't even want him over here. That sounds harsh but it's not like the kid is 5 or 6, he's 11 years old, he should know better.

My sister in law got mad at us because we didn't want to keep her two kids. We agreed to let the little girl stay to play with Kayla, reluctantly, I really wanted to enjoy my weekend with no extra kids, never mind food was extremely low. But nooo, that wasn't enough, they got mad at us when we didn't want to keep both kids at the same time. I had to get defensive and angry and I was sick about it all night. I outright told her I can hardly handle my own five, we were very low on food, and we'd let him stay one night next time. We only wanted to do one at a time. You've got to understand, I haven't had a break from my own kids in so long I'm in a constant state of exhaustion and stress. I don't mind the older kids, believe it or not. They head out to the pool, or sit and visit with us and I really enjoy it. I take the responsibility of looking after someone's kid very seriously. I guess it also depends on the parents too as far as how I feel having someone here. A few of the cases I know I'm just being used and it really upsets me. Yet in another case, I really enjoy having the kids here, go figure. Maybe it has to do with the kids themselves. Maybe I'm just a bitter old hag that's overwhelmed, I don't know. We had several teens visit here one night and I have to say I really truly enjoyed that. I never thought I could relate to teens, I'm struggling with Dani and Amber, but I got to see different teens and how they are and it was so different. I think my kids are a little on the immature side and that's the difference. The two kids I was babysitting earlier in the summer, I like having them around too. I do love kids in general, that was my ministry at the church I was a member of. I worked with young children for four years, but maybe I'm ready to start relating to the preteens and teens now. It's hard having a 13 year old all the way down to a 2 year old. I know Dad knows how that feels. It's 2 completely different sets of problems. Anna is what makes it hard for me. When there is a lot of commotion going on here I lose sight of what she's doing and get distracted and she gets into trouble. I don't remember having such hard times when the other kids were 2. Maybe my memory is rusty. Haahaa.

I don't let my kids go with certain people either. Sad to say that those certain people are family. They are known to be recreational drug users and I refuse to let my kids go there. I don't care how much either set of kids beg, it's not going to happen. I've had anger directed to me over that as well, but Michael and I are very picky about where we let our kids go when we are not around. It's almost an honor if we let the kids go spend the night at your place. Haahaa. Even if I'm stressed having extra kids, I would much rather have them here so I know what mine are up to. I really think Anna is the cause of my anxiety and not so much the other kids. Sometimes I just can't handle Anna. There I said it, I admit it. She's hell on wheels. I'm just working through some issues here, so feel free to shut this down. I'm trying to figure out where my source of aggravation is coming from when I do love children. I think it's Anna, I can't watch Anna and anything else at the same time without locking her in somewhere. Some of it is bittnerness about our living situation the last three years. A camper, and now a completely unfinished trailer with no insulation, walls, ceilings, or heat and air. I don't understand who would want to come here anyway. I think I'm just digging myself a hole here. I should probably quit while I'm ahead. The bottom line is if we are friends send your kids over anytime I don't mind. If you are just using me for a free babysitter and you could give a crap about me or my feelings, don't do it.

Happy Tuesday

2008-07-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, it was cool last night. In the upper 60s. Woohoo, good sleeping weather, I woke up freezing! At 8am it was only 72 degrees, usually it's a little over 80 by then.

I don't have too much to blog today. I made a diary entry before this one to get some stuff off my chest for my eyes only. Nothing horrible, but it just seemed whiney, and self serving and I didn't like it, but I didn't want to delete what I wrote either. I really don't feel like complaining today. Things are looking up. We've got groceries in the house, we had a good nights sleep, and a good paycheck to look forward to this week. Anna's birthday is also on Saturday so I get to buy her a few toys.

I also think I figured out our soil problem. I thought it was just an acid problem, but I got to thinking. Father in law dumped a load of chicken crap all in his garden a month before planting. He's got the most beautiful garden I've seen in a LONG time. Well, chicken crap is almost pure nitrogen, so it would see our soil is nitrogen deficient. I already put lime around my trees and bushes, now I need some nitrogen but also some organic material such as cow poop or chicken poop or something. I really think it's going to fix our problem. We can't grow anything in this soil, it will start growing, and quit early and rot. My radishes were teeny tiny, the carrots never got big, the cucumbers got round and than turned yellow and split. We are going to test it this weekend. I'm going to make me a small patch with the soil all fixed up and buy a tomato plant or something to stick in there and see what happens. My brother in law has two cows so he'd probably let us go shovel some shit..lol. I want our orange trees to do well so bad, but the new growth doesn't look good. Light green and curled leaves. They've got a ton of sweet smelling flowers on them though. My confederate rose bush, which is coming up at the same time as a neighbors down the road, is about 50% tinier than his. I didn't know you had to be a rocket scientist to plant a garden. Sheesh. My banana plant on the other hand is doing well, but could be doing better. I think they like extra potassium or something, I have to look it up so I can that fixed up as well. I really think between the acid soil and the nitrogen deficency is why we can't grow anything. Tillers are about $300 at Lowes so maybe before next spring we'll get one and I'll have a gorgeous garden too!

I should be doing housework before it gets too hot. It's almost time to crank up my music and get my stuff done. I gotta go feed the ducks too. Mikey is warming up pancake/sausage on a stick for all of them. Anna went in and woke him up this morning. She shoved him to the side, pulled the blankets, took the pillow, than layed down and covered up. Haahaa. Too funny. My mother in law always said Anna would wind up giving them hell one day.

My father in law gave me more cucumbers last night. I peeled and cut a bunch and put them in salt water. This evening I will put them in apple cider vinegar so they'll be ready for dinner. He said he's gotten 86 cucumbers out of his garden already. Last night I mixed up mayo, vinegar, and sugar with cucumbers and vidalia onion slices. SOOOOO goood. I ate until I was stuffed. He gave me some tomatoes too which I'll use in a salad this week. The family looked at me nuts when I added cucumbers to salad. They only want lettuce and dressing I guess. Mikey especially wasn't happy because he said he doesn't like cucumbers. I love cucumbers, tomatoes, olives, onions, lettuce...etc. all that in a salad. Kayla eats stuff like that too, she's the only one that eats tomatoes and onions with me.

Damn, I was going to get a watermelon last night and forgot. Good thing father in law has a ton of big ones growing, I know he'll share. I'm not mooching, honestly, he said he grows a lot on purpose to share and that he just loves gardening. Of course I would never turn down fresh fruits and veggies someone offered me. It's all so expensive at the store. I ate a piece of his corn the other day too. He thought I was nuts eating it raw, but it was SOOOO good. It was very sweet. I ended up letting Dani and Anna break it in half and they wiped it clean. No cooking, no salt, no butter, it was excellent. I think he enjoyed that.

Speaking of father in law, his birthday is coming up a week after Anna's. Dani thinks he's going to be 77, I can never remember. It's weird having inlaws at an age they could be my grandparents. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't induced Anna if she would have been born on his birthday. Probably not though she probably would have wound up induced 2 weeks past my due date. None of my kids wanted to come on time.

Bored quiz

2008-07-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

I must be crazy to tackle this quiz. Or just really puting off the housework.

If I had a time machine, I'd...
undo a few things I did.

I wish my ex would...
find happiness.

Righty or lefty?
righty

I know it's time to clean the fridge when...
the food sticks to the shelves.

What's the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?
preterm labor and losing Isabella.

What's the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?
nothing.

Are you a country mouse or a city mouse?
country mouse

I like to wear...
oversized tshirts and shorts.

Early riser or night owl?
early riser

A recent poll shows a fifth of Americans cannot locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Probably because they didn't pay attention at school.

I usually go to bed around...
just after the local evening news and weather, sometimes before.

When you get stressed, what are you most likely to throw out the window?
My husband.

What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?
Okra

If I were a Disney character, I'd be...
Goofy.

Pop Tarts or Toaster Strudle?
pop tarts

Have you ever cheated on someone?
nope

What's your ideal climate?
70 and not humid

I feel most powerful when...
all the housework is done.

I'd say that vegetables are...
good for you.

Men are...
stupid..haahaaa.

I like to put ketchup on...
hot dogs.

What's the first frivolous thing you'll buy when you're rich and famous?
a yellow jeep.

What's your favorite 80's band?
bon jovi

To err is...
normal.

I wish I had never seen...
Hurricane Katrina

A little bit country or a little bit rock and roll?
both!

What is your favorite word?
shit

Simpsons or Family Guy?
family guy

I think Global Warming is...
yet to be proved.

I'd like to super size...
Michael's paycheck.

I'm allergic to...
scrubbing pots and pans.

What album could you listen to every day for the rest of your life?
Kurt Nilsen's albums

How would you end the Iraq War?
I really have no idea, I guess I'm not the only one since we are still there.

Are you a glass half full or glass half empty person?
It depends on my mood, usually half full though.

Automatic or stick shift?
auto!

If you had a pet rhino, what would you name it?
Charlie

In heaven, I bet they'll have...
Isabella waiting for me.

Excuse me while I...
get Anna out of trouble.

How many kids would you want to have?
I'm good thanks.

Bury me with my...
four wheeler..haahaa.

What's the worst that could happen?
Watching my children suffer.

Do you have an innie or an outie?
innie

How many hours of sleep do you need?
6

The older I get, the more I...
refuse to people please.

When I'm bored, I...
What's bored???

Which is worse? Nails on a chalkboard or lemon juice on a cut?
nails on chalkoard

I'd be mortified if someone caught me...
in the nude

What song best describes you?
You don't know what you got until it's gone. teehee.

I don't get mad. I get...
pissed

Pardon my...
mental instability

What would your olympic event be?
Housework.

Quick! Make up a first name:
Booloo

What are the odds that this interview never ends and is just a psych experiment?
I don't know but I'm boring myself with my answers.

What one possession would you save in a fire?
Isabella's box.

If you discovered a planet, what would you call it?
Catra

Fill in the blank: ________ + chocolate = heaven
raisins

What question should they ask Miss America or Miss Universe contestants?
What makes you better than anyone else?

Which side is your good side?
I don't have one.

Ignorance is...
a good way to wind up in trouble.

I'm looking forward to...
finishing this trailer.

Quiet drinks in a lounge or loud rockin' party?
I don't drink and I don't like loud parties. I know I'm a party pooper.

I once had a really weird dream that...
made me think I had just been with my Gram.

Shoes or sneakers?
barefoot

Do you typically bring da noise, da funk, or da jell-o salad?
da noise=five kids.

What's your favorite blog?
my friend's

Would you rather meet your future inlaws naked or in bondage gear?
that's a scary picture on both counts.

George W. Bush is...
done.

What was the last text message you received?
No cell phone.

My backpack/purse/wallet contains the following surprising things:
No surprises here.

God is...
"mean kid on a playground." Haaha, I love Bruce Almighty.

Look around! What's the closest red object?
a milk crate with computer stuff in it.

I feel naked without my...
necklace Mikey gave me.

What's your favorite blue food?
blueberries

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
Play ghost like spongebob and patrick

I like to put mayo on...
turkey samiches

If I could control my dreams, I'd dream about...
people i want to be with

How many times have you broken your cell phone?
never

When did "10 seconds" become "2 hours"?
When in labor

Fork, spork, or chopsticks?
chopsticks.

I wish my cell phone had a...
I wish I had one.

Wal-Mart is...
a necessary evil

You have the right to remain...
stupid.

Please tell my butler that for breakfast, I shall require...
bacon, eggs, and biscuits.

Where would you like to go on vacation?
Greece.

What do you wish you had never done?
Forced someone to stay that didn't want to.

What always makes you smile, no matter how bad a day you're having?
Anna being goofy.

How many of your Facebook friends do you not actually know?
I don't use facebook, I'm stuck on myspace.

Toilet Paper - Over the top, or under the roll?
over

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? In the Peace Corps.

I'm afraid of...
Hurricanes

Make up a new word right now:
shitastic

I am totally paranoid about...
people talking about me.

What celebrity do you wish would just go away?
Joan Rivers

What's your favorite kids' cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

What's one magical thing that happened today?
I caught the dog before she headed to kitchen to take a big crap.

What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth?
Tries to save them but they get lost anyway.

What advice would you give your younger self?
Wait longer to marry someone.

If I were the first person to land on the moon, I would've said:
I'm on the moon....at night!

How many traffic tickets have you received?
None

What's your favorite web site?
Myspace

Late at night, I like to eat...
Salty stuff.

I'd describe my sense of humor as...
sarcastic

If everyone would leave me alone, I could...
regain some sanity back.

What are three words that sum you up?
nice, helpful, friendly

Boys go to Jupiter to get more...
Balls.

Lights on or off?
off

What did your mom write on your lunch bag?

What snack food can you scarf down a whole bag in one sitting?
popcorn

If I were pregnant, I'd probably crave...
cottage cheese

Women are...
smarter than men

Quick! What's a creative way to recycle an empty toilet paper tube?
give it to the kids.

Would you rather have a fast forward or instant replay button for your life?
instant replay

I will never tell anyone...
my weight.

How old were you when you had your first date?
16

I wouldn't mind being stuck in a closet with...
ej on days (Christy, looks like he'll be stuck with the both of us)

Quick! Make up a new name for a country:
StupidQuestion

Who ran away with the spoon?
Mikey, he used to throw silverware in the trash trying to help me clean when he was younger.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Yep, 7th grade math teacher

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt?
Donna

What's your favorite candy?
3 Musketeers

I'd like to smack...
Michael

Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of...
firecrackers.

Jack or Sawyer?
sawyer

Cake or Pie?
Pie

I sleep on my...
Anna's hands or feet, she hogs the bed.

What should you really be doing right now?
dishes, laundry, sweeping, making beds, the usual

What is your biggest fear?
Not seeing my kids grow up

How many people have you dated?
I don't feel like counting.

My first word was probably...
oh shit. Haahaa.

What did you have for lunch yesterday?
chicken

When do you normally go to bed?
when I fall asleep

What's your favorite kind of cake frosting?
vanilla

When the world ends, I will be...
in Heaven

What was your first live concert?
Cheap Trick/Loverboy

If you could reprogram yourself, what one trait would you leave out?
social anxiety

What's your magic word?
"I'll take Anna to my mom's."

Bill or Hillary?
Hillary

Who is your nemesis?
Stupid people.

What's your favorite ice cream topping?
Twix Hard Shell

I shower in the...
bathroom

If I were a guest on "Jerry Springer," the topic would be...
You're living in what?

What time period would you like to live in for a week?
The Tudor Era, not as a pheasant though.

What picture do you use as your desktop background?
solid black, Michael is a party pooper.

Polka Dots are...
cute.

What would you do if you could be invisible?
hide from the kids.

When was the last time you gave your parents a call?
I call dad every few weeks or so.

When was the last time you cried?
I'm sure it had to do with Michael being a butthead.

If I had to jump from the top of a building, I'd prefer to land in...
a huge feather bed.

If you owned a restaurant, what would you name it?
A Place to Eat.

I've always wanted...
A yellow car.

Do you recycle?
sometimes. We scrap metal and stuff.

The last time you cleaned your room, how many hours did it take? I keep it clean, only takes a few minutes.

Why is Facebook so popular in Canada?
ask a Canadian

What's your favorite Jelly Belly flavor?
cherry

How many days past expiration are you willing to drink milk?
I have one of the kids test it first..haahaa.

What's your favorite type of cheese?
Mozzarella

Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, or white chocolate?
white chocolate.

Would you rather listen to the same song or eat the same meal for the rest of your life?
same meal

If you were a candy bar, which would you be?
Almond Joy

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
Somewhere no one will find me.

The best things in life are...
Family

How often do you cook?
2 to 3 times a day

Who's a bigger pushover? Mom or Dad?
I am.

I believe in...
Jesus

Hello, Hi, or Hey?
Hey

I'd rather be...
riding my four wheeler

Ever broken a bone?
No

My comfort food is...
home made mashed potato bowls.

Ah! To be young and...
stupid

There's something fishy about...
liars

Nick and Jessica could've worked things out if...
they turned the cameras off and worked on their marriage.

I can't believe I lost my...
class ring.

What's the sexiest accent?
Polish

Skim milk, Lowfat milk, Whole milk, or Chocolate milk?
chocolate milk

What's your favorite book?
Little Women

My name should be listed in the Wikipedia entry for...
sucker

What's your favorite pizza topping?
hamburger

Who was your first kiss?
a frog

Waffles are...
quick and easy for kids' breakfast.

The key to success is...
paying attention.

Beauty or Brains?
brains

IM or email?
IM

If I had to spend twenty bucks in the next twenty minutes, I would...
go to the thrift store.

Do you like your peanut butter crunchy or smooth?
smooth

I like people who are...
nice.

Thongs are...
uncomfortable.

I want my last meal to be...
one that's not good for me.

Kevin Federline is...
who???? teheee.

What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
let the dog out

I wonder about...
some people

I'd be the happiest person in the whole world if...
I could move back home.

I'd be totally screwed without...
my computer.

Who is your hero?
Anyone who works to better the world.

Tom Cruise: crazy town, or misunderstood?
over rated.

How often do you go without underpants?
why do you want to know?

People think that I'm...
a good mom (at least people around here think that.)

The last time I actually cooked something, I made...
bisquick biscuits and baked drumsticks and wings.

If I woke up as the opposite sex, I'd...
say wooohooo VACATION

Fill in the blank: My web site would be ________.com
ISuckAtLife

What was your favorite childhood toy?
Roller Skates

Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall?
Fall

I have a pierced...
ears, used to have pierced eyebrow

PC or Mac?
pc

Fame or Fortune?
fortune

Who would you like to be for a day?
someone rich and lazy

Paper, plastic, or re-usable?
plastic

What's your favorite comfort when you're ill?
blankets and tv

Someone once dared me to...
to ask someone out.

What's the fastest you've ever driven?
80

Everything is negotiable in a relationship, except...
who gets first bath.

My super power would be...
Invisibility

I miss...
Gram

Do you like animals, prefer to eat them, or a little of both
a little of both

Do you sleep on your side, back, or stomach?
side

What music should they play at your funeral? (example: Get On Up)
Downpour Brandi Carlile

For the talent portion of the competition, I will...
juggle a household

How do you like your coffee?
yuck

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
I wouldn't choke a smurf, I love smurfs.

Goosebumps

2008-07-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

The song Lost Highway with Willie Nelson and Kurt Nilsen. Oh my gosh, it's killing me. I LOVE it!! I'm sure I am driving everyone nuts playing it over and over again. I'm a huge fan of both singers. The song is amazing. I'm going for number 5 in a row now. I put it on my profile if anyone is interested in hearing it. I need to tear myself away from it and go clean up the back yard though

This weather sucks.

2008-07-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

The weather has been totally miserable. It didn't even cool off in here last night because the humidity is up so high. I can't sleep like that and it's making me miserable and cranky. I know I'm pmsing today so it all seems worse, but it's hard enough to sleep with it being so bright in here all the time. I need to invest in some drapes for the door this payday. I like it to be dark for sleeping.

It's been a tough week, we really overextended ourselves getting the door last payday and than having to pay bills and getting $80 worth of groceries that didn't seem to amount to anything. Good thing it was Bruce's two weeks to drive, I ran out of gas just going down the hill to check the mail. I'm so tired of living this way. Most of the time I can smile through it, but today I've had enough. I'm tired of the rags I wear, I'm tired of worrying about feeding the kids half way through a pay period, I'm also sick of the judgements we are probably getting because I don't even have change to send with the kids for offering at Bible School. I scrounged up $11 in change for Michael to use for gas to put in the truck to being a load to the scrapyard. I'm hoping he will get enough to get some groceries to last us through the weekend. It's a joke even thinking we can fix up this trailer anytime soon. I guess we better get used to extreme heat and than cold, wet winters. Sometimes it seems we don't even live like humans.

I know we will make it, we always do, but sometimes it feels good to just get all this out. It's not for sympathy, it's therapy.

I'm having tendonitis flaring up in my right ankle, it was hurting so bad yesterday I couldn't put weight on it but I had to anyway. After dinner though I sat in the chair and refused to get up so it's feeling better today.

Michael's mom took Amber out to get a dress and some shoes. She picked out a pretty one, it will be strange to see Amber in a dress. I feel bad that she did that, I just hadn't planned on getting them new clothes until school time. I might have to consider starting that this payday. I have a Burke's card all filled out which gives me 20% off and than if we go on a Friday it's an extra 15% off. I might do all their shopping there again this year. The walmart in Wiggins has a lady that puts together school supplies in backpacks according to grade. We can even call ahead and have them made up and ready for us so I think we will do it that way for whatever grades are available. It doesn't cost more than the cost of the supplies either. Those lists are usually so long it takes me forever to fill them all. As far as I know school still starts August 7th, I haven't heard otherwise.

Michael got mad at me last night because he thought Anna got into his disks. I told him she certainly had not and I wasn't going to let him blame her. I'm with her all day walking around this place, and I know for a fact she hadn't gotten into his stuff. So he threatened to take my blockbuster online membership away. What an Ahole, I guess he thinks he has control that way. Whatever, I told him go ahead. I don't care. So what if it's my one enjoyment. He must figure since I don't earn any money I don't have any say. I can tell you I probably work twice as hard as he does, I just don't get paid for it. He keeps thinking he can do a better job grocery shopping than I do. We would wind up with all the foods he likes, most of which the kids won't eat, and junk food. We'd be out of food in a week. I do my grocery list first on Winn Dixie making a list of sale stuff I want. Than I make a menu and shop off of that. I get a lot of buy one get one free meat deals at Winn Dixie, but only the ones I can feed the whole family with one package. If I need the second "free" package to make one meal it's not worth it. I told him you have to watch the prices because not all buy one get one free is a good deal when you can get it cheaper at Walmart. They'll try to get you with the 20 for $10, you don't have to buy all 20. We're just running low because we try to stretch $450 dollars for a month, and for a family our size and the kids home from school for the summer it's just not practical. Groceries are going up, gas is going up, paychecks are NOT going up. I can only imagine how much we'll need to pay the schools this year on top of buying all their supplies because the schools are feeling the bad economy too. I can see why people do desperate things in times like these and I'm sure this is not even the worst of it yet. What makes it even harder on us is we are trying to get back on our feet 3 years after Katrina. We aren't the only ones still trying either. It's hard to rebuild a lifetime in a short amount of time.

I'm just going to try and budget more carefully this pay period. Because Michael got overtime and his boss was generous and added a few hours we should have a good check. Enough to keep $50 or $100 in the bank for the second week when we have no money. It's Michael's two weeks to drive also and it's costing $80 to fill up the van and that only makes it a week and a half if we go nowhere else but Michael driving to their supervisor's house about 20 minutes down the road. They park there and ride to work with him in a work truck. It's about half way to work. I usually get out of here once every two weeks. It sure makes me miss the coast. We lived in a pretty neighborhood, but still only five minutes from EVERYTHING. I think we only filled up the tank in the van once a month when we lived there. Oh well, can't go back now. If one more hurricane hits the coast in the near future, this will become a full blown town/city, so I should be careful what I wish for. I do like the country and I don't think I wanted it anymore crowded. Wiggins is really starting to build up and different developments and strip malls should be coming to the area in the next several years. Before too long we shouldn't have to drive far to go to the store.

Damn, I'm boring myself with this blog. ZZZZZZ. I just suck today. I have a sink full of dishes to do still and lunch to think about. My ankle is starting to ache again too. The backyard is still not done being cleaned, and I can't cut my grass for at least another week, Michael still hasn't fixed my lawn mower. I hope the OCD about long grass doesn't kick in before Friday. I'm just going to try and not think about it.

We let the ducks loose last night to eat bugs and grass because we are out of duck food as well. They are so happy now. I was worried about them being loose so close to the forest, but I counted them all this morning and they are all there. They look like they are loving life now. Maybe they can cut some of my grass for me. Haahaa. We have one broody duck but she's only sitting on four eggs. So if she manages to hatch some there won't be many babies. Sniff. She made a nest out of her own feathers. She gets so pissy when we walk anywhere near the dog house she is nesting in. She won't lay anymore eggs while she's broody. Since the other ducks are on the loose we'll probably never find their eggs now. They could hide them anywhere and they probably will.

The kids have a program at church tonight celebrating the end of Bible school. I don't want to go but I am going. I get to chase Anna all over the church for an hour, I'm so not looking forward to it. I'm in the mood just to sit in my place and have no one bother me. Maybe Michael will get back in time from work to go with me so he can help watch Anna. She's a little demon, I'm surprised the church doesn't fall down when she walks in.

This life bitchfest has been brought to you by Cat.

Church

2008-07-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm done with church. After tonight the kids aren't going back there either. Dani is all in a tizzy because they told her she had to wear a dress tonight. She doesn't have a dress. I told her dress pants and a nice shirt and shoes would be fine. She doesn't believe me and says everyone else will look nice and she'll be ugly. We should be able to walk into church in rags and be accepted. I'm tired of it. They are getting new clothes for school probably next week, I do not buy them brand new summer clothes and dresses. I go to the thrift store every year after school gets out and get them about 5 outfits a piece to wear around here. To top that off I haven't even had change to give the kids for offering, never mind some for each of the four of them. We used the rest of our change on gas. I'm sure there is plenty of talk about that. I don't even want to be bothered with people. They are all living in their nice comfy houses with heating and air conditioning and walls and ceilings and unbroken windows. They don't have room to talk about how we should do things. We do things however we can. Some would say I don't have faith because I don't go ahead and tithe and hope for the best that the bills get paid and the kids get fed. Here is why. I've been promised help so many times in fixing this place up, not a single offer has come through and helped us. Why should I believe if I give 10% of Michael's paycheck that we are going to be fine? I guess God can smite me for that if he wants. I don't believe I have to go to church to have faith and to be saved. I'm not going to pay to be saved. Yet some churches would say I'm going to hell for that belief. I don't like judgemental people. Why parade my kids through a church for people to make us feel bad? It's not worth it. I'd rather give 10% of my earnings to a homeless shelter, or the March of Dimes than to a church.

How come so many people are so full of shit? I'm done with this people pleasing crap. I choose not to be fake anymore and that includes sitting in a church and smiling like I'm happy to be there. To be critisized for the Bible I read and the clothes my kids wear in a place is not somewhere I want to be. To have people staring at you and talking behind your back is not what I want my kids learning. I have already felt like a loser for too many years without a church confirming it. I know my faith, and God knows my heart. That's the only one I have to answer to.

Sound Off

2008-07-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Michael said a guy at work told him there was a positive Sound Off in the paper about how good a job Ocean Springs did cleaning up after the 4th of July. I can't find it online though and I can't read the paper online like I used to. I wish I could have read it. Only 5 volunteers worked on Saturday the 5th to clean up the city and the beach after the holiday. Michael said there was a ton to clean and it took them 9 hours. I'd love to have a copy of that Sound Off for him to have. It's always nice when you are told you've done a good job. The 5 that stayed and cleaned after 2 got there and changed their minds, are being rewarded with 12 hours overtime. We never turn down overtime offers. The money really helps a lot.

Not a whole lot going on here. I'm finding it surprisingly easier to keep this place clean that it was to keep the camper clean. I love it when it's all picked up and swept and all the laundry and dishes are done. I'm getting used to walking around all day now so I don't go to bed with aching feet anymore. We still have to finish cleaning up the backyard though. We're just kinda struggling along until next payday. We got that door and paid bills and only got a few groceries and I'm having to stretch it. On the plus side I think I've lost a few inches from having no snacks and stuff around. The kids have been eating every night at Bible School so that is really helping out right now.

I'm sick of getting up with the sun, but I can't seem to help it, that must be the rhythm my body is in right now. It's so bright in here because of all the windows and the door. I think I need to invest in some blackout cloth!

I saw a story on the news last night about things that were supposed to go to Katrina victims, household stuff, that ended up in a warehouse and than written off to surplus and given to the government. NIIIIICE. That totally pissed me off. The people that really needed that stuff, it never got to. I guess now that it's written off to surplus other agencies can buy the stuff. They showed things like boxes of coffemakers, and buckets, dishware, silverware, buckets, men's underwear. Supposedly this is a common occurence which I guess is supposed to make it ok, but people are still struggling to rebuild and could use that stuff. Especially kitchenware and things like that.

All my plants and trees are struggling in this soil we got. I have got to get some lime on payday. My orange trees will never produce unless we do. Everything is turning light green and hardly growing. My father in law has one of the most beautiful gardens I've ever seen. He spread chicken shit and water in it a few months before planting and than added a bunch of bags of lime. Everything is big, bushy, and dark green. It's gorgeous. I hate the dirt out here we have to work with. I hope Santa brings me a tiller this year so I can have my own garden next year. He's sharing cucumbers, tomatoes, corn, and watermelon with us. So far only the cucumbers have been ready and they were excellent. We ate 7 of them in 2 days.

Anna is up already and it's only 730. I get the feeling today is going to be a long day. I'm already having to pry permanent markers out of her hands.

I saw another news story about how schools are struggling due to gas prices and how they may have to cut bus routes or go to a 4 day week. Scary thought, we'd be screwed if they cut bus routes here, we couldn't afford to run the kids back and forth 20 miles one way each day. They are also considering waiting to start school until September to avoid having the kids go during August which is the hottest month here. I wouldn't mind that.

Oh well, quiet time over, I'm having to already chase after Anna every two seconds. I'm not cut out for toddlerhood anymore. My patience is worn thin. Now she's off to wake all the kids up, just what I need.

Isabella Faith

2008-07-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

July 7th, 2005

Always Remembered.

My current Playlist

2008-07-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

David Cook~Time of my life
John Mayer ~Waiting on the world to change
Enrique Iglesias~Addicted
Bryan Adams~All for love
Heart~All I wanna do is make love to you
Air Supply~All out of love
Boston~Amanda
Billy Joel~And so it goes
Aerosmith~Angel
Anthony Federov~I surrender
Ellen Page Michael Cera~Anyone else but you
Christopher Cross~Arthur's theme
Clay Aiken~Ashes
Bill Haley and the Comets~At this moment
Styx~Babe
George Strait~Baby Blue
Christina Aguilera~Beautiful
Brooks and Dunn~Believe
Goo Goo Dolls~Better days
Hinder~Better than me
Saliva~Bleed for me
Mili Vanilli~Blame it on the rain
Damien Rice~The blowers daughter
Bon Jovi~I'll be there for you
Joni Mitchell~Both sides now
Green Day~Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Brandi Carlile~Turpentine
Anna Nalick~Breathe
Buck Cherry~Sorry
Garth Brooks~The change
Gavin Degraw~Chariot
Snow patrol~Chasing Cars
Edwin McCain~I'll Be
Howie Day~Colide
Nirvana~Come as you are
Styx~Come sail away
Daniel Powter~You had a bad day
Richard and Linda Thompson~Dimming of the Day
Erik Hansen~Day after tomorrow
Sting~Desert Rose
Shakira~Don't bother
Guns n Roses~Don't cry
Kansas~Dust in the wind
Vertical Horizon~Echo
Posion~Every Rose has it's thorn
Trace Adkins~Every light in the house is on
Lifehouse~Everything
Garth Brooks~Face to Face
Poison~Fallen Angel
Pink~Family Portrait
Great white~The Angel Song
Slaughter~Fly to the angels
Vince Gill~Go rest high on the mountain
Lifehouse~Hanging by a moment
Israel K~Hawaiian over the rainbow
Warrant~Heaven
Faster Pussycat~House of pain
Michael Buble~How can you mend a broken heart
The Fray~How to save a life
Bon Jovi~I'd die for you
Phil Collins~I don't care anymore
Pink~I have seen the rain
Martina Mcbride~I hope you dance
Winger~I need you now
Nickleback~If everyone cared
Daniel Beddingfield~If you're not the one
Simply Red~If you don't know me by now
Goo Goo Dolls~Iris
Alanis Morisette~Ironic
Staind~It's been awhile
Guns N Roses~Knocking on heaven's door
3 Doors down~Kryptonite
Lonestar~Let them be little
Hinder~Lips of an angel
Nirvana~Lithium
Bon Jovi~Living on a prayer
The Troggs~Love is all around
Saigon Kick~Love is on the way
Tanya Tucker~Love me like you used to
Ozzy Osbourne~Mama I'm coming home
Jimmy Buffet~Margaritaville
Pink~Misery
Emerson Drive~Moments
Ozzy Osbourne~Mr. Tinkertrain
Creed~My own prison
Goo Goo Dolls~Name
INXS~Need you tonight
Bon Jovi~Never say goodbye
Nick Lachey~What's left of me
Ozzy Osbourne~No more tears
Clay Aiken~Not supposed to love you anymore
Guns n Roses~November Rain
Nickleback~Photograph
Bryan Adams~Please forgive me
Hoobastank~The Reason
Saliva~Rest in Pieces
Scorpions~Send me an angel
Queensryche~Silent Lucidity
Night Ranger~Sister christian
Creed~Six feet from the edge
Clay Aiken~Solitaire
Gary Allan~Smoke rings in the dark
Montgomery Gentry~Something to be proud of
Poison~Something to Believe in
Scorpions~Still loving you
WhiteSnake~Still of the night
Foo Fighers~Superman
Sonic Youth~Superstar
Trixter~Surrender
Bon Jovi~Thank you for loving me
Switchfoot~This is your life
Maroon 5~This love
Jonathan Rhys Meyers~This Time
Vertical Horizon~Underwater
MatchboxTweny~Unwell
Bon Jovi~Wanted Dead or Alive
Paul Stookey~Wedding Song
Sherrif~When I'm with you
Brad Paisley~When I get to where I'm going
FireHouse~When I look into your eyes
Third Day~When the rain comes
Jolly Napier~Where are you now
Brad Paisley~Whiskey Lullabye
Scorpions~Winds of change
Keith Urban~You'll think of me
Vertial Horizon~You're a God
Billy Dean~You don't count the cost
Five for Fighting~100 years
Rob Thomas~Little wonders
Sheena Easton~A dream worth keeping
Kid Rock~All Summer Long
One Republic~Apologize
Quiet Riot~Come on feel the noise
PussyCat Dolls~Tainted love
Clay Aiken~Falling

I was bored so I thought I would put up my favorite playlist. I'm blah today, I have so much to do and so little motivation to do it. Of course the kids don't volunteer to help and than demand lunch and stuff. I need a day off.

We got a door.

2008-07-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Before the Door

We ran out of the expanding foam stuff to fill in the little cracks around the doorway, but he got most of it done. He's gotta put that little rubber piece back in at the bottom too to close up that spot. So we're not quite finished with installation.

As spongebob would say "The door, at night!"

From the outside. Michael put our camper porch steps there temporarily until we get a porch built there one day. It's not pretty right now. We'll get there though. We'll put up the duct work for central heat and air and start insulating in our room next payday. Once we have this room sheetrocked we will work on wiring the whole rest of the place. We really need it. Than we decided to run ductwork, insulate, and sheetrock all the walls without windows so we can try and get as much of that done before winter. Probably after that we will replace broken windows in rooms first. The french doors for the front room aren't a necessity right away since there is a decent door there for now. I'm just worried about everyone being warm enough this winter. We can't do the back patio door until we add on the dining room and porch so that will be awhile. We need to close up the old back door though because there was a snake in here the other day after a storm. Never mind all the frogs coming in and other assorted bugs. The windows are running about $186 each so we can do 2 or 3 a payday when it comes down to it. The master bath will probably be last room done. Living room and kitchen towards the end too. Now that we're living in it we are more motivated to get things going. Michael is wanting to get the shower and stuff like that for our bathroom, but that's more of a luxuory than a neccessity right now. I think he's going to let me keep my living room vaulted. We are lowering all the ceilings down to flat to make room for duct work and recessed lighting. I really want to keep the ceiling in the living room higher because it's such a small room it will seem bigger. We can put the duct and the recessed lighting in the high part and use track lighting on the other side of the room. The other side is where the windows and the french door is going to be so I think we really might not need anymore lights on that side. We have major backyard cleaning up to do. I did a lot of it, but he has to take apart the old porch and porch roof. Than we need to cut the grass and clean around the sun shelter. The kids and I went swimming late last night and I was looking around and thinking what a great backyard we have. It will look so nice with the grass cut, more grass planted in the dirt, and having that back porch. The duck pen looks nice, and our sun shelter looks nice so all that can stay. It all just takes money and sweat equity. The sweat equity I've got by the loads, it's just the money that's a different story. I've got Anna's birthday coming up and bills and the kids need to get ready to go back to school on August 7th. The 3rd anniversay of Isabella's birth/death is coming up. The pain of her loss hasn't lessened through time or another child being born. I don't think it ever will. I feel so bad, I can't remember the last time I visited her gravesite. Honestly, I just don't like to. That sounds bad I know, but it's more than I can take. It's different seeing her name in writing on a headstone. Makes it all too real. I like knowing I'm close enough to go whenever I might want to, but I don't go. I suck

To me it looks so small up there on the truck. I can't believe we lived in that for almost 3 years. I snapped a quick pic out of the door before they came and got it. That's our old faithful white truck. It toted that and other campers like it was nothing. Michael had a big fire in it shortly before we moved out here and had to replace the wiring harness. It's all still apart inside and there is no speedometer hooked up. Maybe one day when we are done with the trailer he and Mikey can restore the truck. Michael said it has a really good engine in it and it's worth quite a bit.

Anna dressed in red, white, and blue for 4th of July.
I tried like crazy to get a better picture of her, but we were in the middle of puting that door up and I just didn't have the patience to try and get her to be still.

A dream worth keeping.

2008-07-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

A Dream worth keeping ~Sheena Easton
Anytime you want to be right here
Just imagine me and all this will appear
You can keep this moment all your life forever near.
A dream worth keeping.

When you're feeling lost I'll be your star
Just reach out and touch me no matter where you are
In a world where precious things are disappearing overnight
Just keep my star in sight.

I believe
We've found a dream that's worth keeping
For more than just today
And even though
The winds of change may come sweeping
It's still a dream worth keeping
So don't let it fade away.

Maybe you'll be in some distant land
Feeling all alone, but I'll be close at hand
And every time you see a rainbow paint the sky behind the rain
You'll be here again.

I believe
We've found a dream that's worth keeping
For more than just a day
And even though
The winds of change may come sweeping
It's still a dream worth keeping
So don't let it fade away.

Some day you might be thinking
That life has passed you by
Your spirits might be sinking
With hope in short supply
And that's the reason why
That's the reason why
I know this dream's worth keeping
As long as it will stay
And even when you see the darkness come creeping
A dream worth keeping
Will never fade away....

This song is absolutely beautiful and it brings back so many good memories. It has really cheered me up this morning. I now have it on my ipod so I can listen anytime I want. I listened to my music all night. I couldn't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Believe it or not I'm freezing in here with no AC. It hasn't been a very hot summer at all. Thank the Lord for not making us completely miserable in an uninsulated, no walled or ceilinged trailer. It still gets pretty hot in here, but I'm adjusting to it.

I can't stop thinking about the person this song is connected to, either they are really happy right now, or going through something rough. I don't know. I don't want to say I'm psychic, because that's just silly, but there have been times Michael will be thinking of something completely random and I will all of a sudden ask him about it. It happens a lot and it freaks him out. There is a whole lot more to it than that but I'm running on no sleep and it's 5am so it's the best I can explain it for now. To me it's a little bit more than just intuition. I used to have dreams that would end up coming true. In one dream I saw a house with double doors, and years later we bought that house in Dubach with the laundry room with double doors. It comes back to me as deja vu.

Of course all of this could be coming from lonliness and not feeling connected. My brain works in funny ways when I'm truly lonely, it goes into fantasy or memory mode and it's probably why I haven't been sleeping well. I get all of these memories rushing back to me in bits and pieces all night long. I think my brain is trying to keep me out of a depression, it's pretty neat actually. I just hate when the regrets come back with it all. That doesn't feel too good. I might be having a 30s life crisis. Haahaa. I think it comes from being in mommy mode too long and not being allowed to feel like a human grown adult. I miss being 18. While at the time life seemed so complicated, looking back on it, it sure seems like it was a whole lot simpler.

I'm going back to bed before I start typing things I might regret later. I think I will go listen to some Monster Ballads. I did fall asleep a few minutes early this morning listening to Mr. TinkerTrain. Haahaa. Gotta love Ozzy.

So lonely.

2008-07-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

I think we are having some communication issues here. His behavior is odd. Looking back his anger reminds me of the times he was "busy with other people." Only I didn't know it at the time. He acts extremely resentful towards me, like he's pissed off that I'm alive. He says I complain too much, but I've been sitting here thinking about the last few days and I can't think of any complaints I've had. Every time I've asked him for help though he's snapped at me and called me names. It usually involves the F word but calling me a stupid ass yesterday is still stinging. I do almost everything around here by myself, but there are some things I can't do and need help with. He's got me scared to talk to him. I know things are bad when I go back in my mind to other people that have treated me nicer. I dream of them or daydream of them or anything that makes my existence here seem ok. I've been dreaming of one high school boyfriend for years, I'm always looking for him in these dreams, but can never find him. It's so strange. I didn't think marriage was supposed to be this way. I feel less than human sometimes. I'm just trying not to say too much to him right now and I've been working on cleaning up the yard by myself because he's too good for that. He's pretty much said he goes to work and that's all he should be expected to do. My job is 24/7, in fact I'm up with Anna most of the night every night because she doesn't sleep worth a damn.

Oh well, I don't care to say anymore because I might cry and he's not really worth my tears.

I guess I watch too much of the Bachlorette.

2008-07-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

Sigh, I love that show, but it's bad for my reality. Things are somewhat better today, I've pretty much ignored whatever was going on and tried to let it blow over. I think he understood when I told him I do most everything on my own but when I ASK for help it's because I NEED it. I think he realized I was right though he went bragging to his mother that I'm OCD and he's lazy and proud of it and he doesn't care how the yard looks. Oh well, at least it's the truth. I like to work hard, I like feeling good after a job well done. I like looking at the results of my hard work and realizing that I accomplished that. He seems to lack the motivation. After 14 years, I know what he does when he thinks something is too hard and doesn't want to do it. He either picks a fight with me so I get angry and go do it myself, or he just goes and finds other things to do and ignores it until I do it anyway. I'm not a dummy. All of the shit jobs that have ever been done around here, I have been the one to do it, because I know if I don't, no one else will. Where is my prince charming? I think I married a toad. Haahaaaahaaaa. Ok, for some reason I just cracked myself up and it feels good. Things will be ok because I make things ok.

I never thought of myself as OCD before, maybe it's something that is developing the older I get, maybe it's a coping mechanism for all the shit samiches life has handed me, who knows. I have mental lists in my head, and it really screws up my day if I can't accomplish everything on it. I think it's a form of control that makes me feel safe and secure in my life. Anyway, something that makes me very happy is a clean and cut yard. I love being able to look out over my yard and think "wow, how pretty is that?" Michael doesn't understand because he could care less if there are piles of junk everywhere. Which at last count he has about 4 of. I cleaned one up already. It's too hot to work on that during the day so I work some in the evenings after dinner.

I forgot to mention we got rid of the camper yesterday. There is no turning back, it's GOOOOOONE. Good riddance to that part of my life. Though I did bring Anna home to that after she was born. I didn't shed a tear as it was being pulled from the yard. The guy that took it is tearing it down and using the frame to haul cars and other scrap metal. I am camper free...Thank you God!!

We should be puting our patio door in our bedroom this weekend. Woohoo, right now all that is separating us from the outdoors is a sheet. With another overtime day coming up for Michael on Saturday we'll have extra money next payday to work on the trailer AND pay our bills. Maybe we'll have a good bit of insulating done before winter comes. I think I'm getting used to the heat though because I'm chilly with it being 85 degrees in here. If that's the case, I'm gonna freeze my tail off at higher temperatures this winter.

Anna is being extra clingy to me lately, even more than usual and it's driving me batshit crazy. Uggggh. Mama...mama..mama....mama...mama. If you are a fan of Family Guy you'll remember the episode where Stewie does that to his mom for about 3 minutes. That cracks me up, when she finally says "what" he says "hi" giggles and runs away.

Well, time to go, no peace and quiet around here. I can't even think straight right now, everyone wants to come in here and ask dumb questions and bring Anna back to me. Calgon....take me away!!!!!

So lonely.

2008-07-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I think we are having some communication issues here. His behavior is odd. Looking back his anger reminds me of the times he was "busy with other people." Only I didn't know it at the time. He acts extremely resentful towards me, like he's pissed off that I'm alive. He says I complain too much, but I've been sitting here thinking about the last few days and I can't think of any complaints I've had. Every time I've asked him for help though he's snapped at me and called me names. It usually involves the F word but calling me a stupid ass yesterday is still stinging. I do almost everything around here by myself, but there are some things I can't do and need help with. He's got me scared to talk to him. I know things are bad when I go back in my mind to other people that have treated me nicer. I dream of them or daydream of them or anything that makes my existence here seem ok. I've been dreaming of one high school boyfriend for years, I'm always looking for him in these dreams, but can never find him. It's so strange. I didn't think marriage was supposed to be this way. I feel less than human sometimes. I'm just trying not to say too much to him right now and I've been working on cleaning up the yard by myself because he's too good for that. He's pretty much said he goes to work and that's all he should be expected to do. My job is 24/7, in fact I'm up with Anna most of the night every night because she doesn't sleep worth a damn. Oh well, I don't care to say anymore because I might cry and he's not really worth my tears.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

2008-06-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

I used to think that was a funny saying, until I moved down south. This is miserable, the only good thing is after you are completely drenched in sweat, when you sit in front of a fan it's like having your own personal AC. This weather has us all moody I think. There is no real relief other than to get in the pool but I can't sit in the pool with Anna all day. We have a routine down where we usually swim for an hour or so after lunch and than Anna (hopefully) naps.

We moved the camper from it's resting spot on Sunday. It's not hooked to the truck and sitting in the side yard. Michael is trying to find a way to get rid of it. It seems really small sitting there like that. I can't believe we have lived in that for 3 years. It doesn't seem possible we could have managed, but we did.

Anna decided to hop out of the pool yesterday and go for a walk. No matter how much I yelled at her to come back she wouldn't and she wound up in a huge pile of ants. She has hundreds of bites all over her legs and feet. When I got her and put her into the pool I still had to pick ants off of her under the water. I'm worried about her now. She's getting a rash in several spots other than where all the ant bites are, I'm wondering if she got too much of their poison in her. I went down the hill to see if my mother in law had some benadryl gel, but she was gone. I have used most of the rest of a tube of hydrocortisone on her already. She's handling it well, but she was going crazy scratching last night. Kayla is covered in some kind of bites as well. All over her face and arms. While I was laying on the couch last night I was so itchy everywhere I couldn't stand it. We definitely need to work on getting this place sealed up. Who knows what is biting us while we sleep.

Dani decided to show her ass today and be a jerk. She was pissed to begin with because I made tuna for lunch. I finally relented and said she could make her own pb&j sandwhich. Kayla than says she wants pb&j so I told Dani she had to make a sanwhich for Kayla too, there should have been enough left for two sandwhiches. Dani decided she wasn't going to do that, that Kayla was a jerk, and Kayla could make her own sandwhich, and Kayla always copies her, and she hopes she starves to death. Can you say Drama Llama? I'm rolling my eyes here. I try to give her slack because I do understand the ups and downs of being a teenager, but the fact remains that her mother told her to do something and no excuse should have kept her from doing what she was told. So, I guess she's going without lunch today. I promised the kids ice cream cones after swimming, if she's lucky she'll get one. She really shouldn't screw with me, I'm the softer of her parents, and if she's on my bad side she's going to be hung out to dry with Michael. I've got the thumb and finger to my head pulling the trigger, that's how it makes me feel. I can't win with anyone no matter what I do, I should just give up. Lucky for her, I'm not one to quit that easily..or unluckily depending on how you look at it.

I guess we should go hit the pool before it storms. It always wants to storm at pool time. I can feel the cool breeze coming in so we're probably only going to get the edge of some storm. I figured the water would be good for everyone's insect bites and it helps to get Anna sleepy for naptime.

Mikey comes home today.

2008-06-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

I've missed my boy. I miss any of them though when one is gone somewhere. He and Max will be dropped off here after 3pm sometime and Max's mama is going to come pick him up. Today is Max's birthday. Since Mikey has been gone we've put in the tub and toilet and sink and stove. He won't have to go out to the camper anymore to use the bathroom. I prepare meals right in here now, I just need my microwave moved back in.

I'm hoping for more rain today, my mood was so good yesterday when the rain and storms kept the temperature down in here all day. It was nice. I could get used to that. There is a 70% chance of rain today, so of course we probably won't get any. Haahaa.

Michael hooked up the faucet to my sink last night, I was having to use hot and cold spigots he installed and it was kind of hard. They didn't reach over the sink far enough and I was having to lean far over to wash dishes. My back already hurts from this stupid bed.

Ever since Kayla saw herself as a baby in the home videos and saw the "Lambykins" doll she had than, she has decided she loves it again. She didn't care about it for awhile, but she saw how it looked brand new and how she got it when she was only a month old so she's carrying it around again now. It's cute.

Well, everyone is up and a bout and wanting breakfast. I guess I will make some donuts.

Oh yeah, I'm going to call Anna "Puddles" from now on. She's been taking her diapers off and walking around leaving puddles on the floor. At least just now she took her diaper off and brought me a new one to put on her. She spilled some diapers so she's now trying to put them away. She's making a big mess

Redneck Kitchens and Baths

2008-06-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

Redneck Kitchens and Baths.
Current mood: tired

The kitchen ain't pretty but it's functional. The photos make it look worse than it is, but I guess it's pretty bad all around. This isn't the setup the kitchen is going to have when we get it done, everything is just placed temporarily in the easiest places to wire or plumb.

This our redneck bathroom. The only walls and door we have on it are made out of blankets. The tub was the only thing saved from the trailer. Anna got into the purple primer and spilled it all over. I was going to keep that tub but not now, so it's just temporary until we get that bathroom fixed up. This is the kids bathroom.

I made a crappy little "medicine cabinet" by nailing boards cross wise between the framing and hanging up one of the doors from the camper medicine cabinet. Anna was getting in to all that stuff when I had it stored around the tub.

This is the door to the bathroom.

If I hadn't been living in a camper for three years this would be pretty damn depressing. It seems like heaven though being able to move around and stretch out. This isn't forever. We'll just keep on keeping on I guess the best that we can. I hope we get a lot of insulating done before winter. I plan on skipping our master bath and maybe even the kitchen and working on the living room, kids' bath and bedrooms to try and get those rooms done before winter. If it weren't for all the doors and windows we need it would get done really quick. I think after we get our french doors for the bedroom we'll wire all the lights for each of the rooms. It's pretty dark around here at night.

I'm beat, it's 11pm and we are all still up. Michael has to get up at 445 and Anna and I don't sleep much past 7 because it gets so light in here so early. I think it's supposed to rain over the next few days, I'm glad because it helps keep the temperature down in here. This place doesn't feel like home yet. I'm not sure how long it will take before it does.

I think I've had a serotonin drop

2008-06-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve had a serotonin drop
Current mood: bummed

For whatever reason I don't know, but I'm miserable and depressed. I'm too tired to function and too grouchy to deal with anyone. I'm in OCD mode over things and the anxiety is through the roof. This is how I was before I went on lexapro for awhile. Things have been great since I got off when I was pregnant with Anna and I hope this change is only temporary and I don't have to go back on it. I don't feel too hopeful that today will be any better. I was doing great last week, on an upswing I guess you could say. Not any more. The problem is Michael doesn't know how to help me when I'm like this and always exacerbates the situation. There is no compassion or sympathy, kindness or patience. I guess he figures yelling at me about it will snap me out of it but it only makes things worse. I am who I am and it's not going to change no matter how much he yells at me or insults me.

I'm not big on handling change. It's a weird thing, while I sort of like adventure and new things, I also can have trouble handling change at the same time. I've not settled in to moving into this trailer yet. I'm not sleeping good and I'm trying to adjust to being hot all the time and having to run back and forth to do dishes, takes baths, use the bathroom, and cook. It's a struggle. Right now this seems harder to me than just living in the camper was. I think it's just in the last year that Katrina depression has hit. We've realized there is no help available to us and no one cares. We are over the "Thank God we made it out alive" stage and are into the feeling sorry for ourselves stage. Even simple things seem so hard lately. I told Michael if another hurricane hits and destroys us again we are moving back home to Massachusetts. One way or another we'll find a way. I'm not sure I got the strength to go through something like Katrina again.

I got a VHS-C adapter from Walmart to watch some of my old home videos. The VCR I have is worn out though and will only play about 10 seconds before quitting, but I've seen 10 second glimpses of Kayla right after birth and glimpses of the kids coming to the hospital to visit. Further on down the tape I even saw video of Michael's parents' house pre Katrina and the Beach and all it's shops how it used to be. Amazing stuff. I wish I had a working VCR right now, I would sit here all day and watch all those tapes from start to finish. This tape was from 2001. I have some that are even older. I want so bad to get them all on dvd before they are ruined for good.

Mikey and Max are supposed to be going to camp today and will be there until Friday afternoon. Timmy said he's going to come get them, I guess we will see. It's a boys camp he puts on. They do bible studies and also teach the boys everything they need to know to get on in life I guess you could say. From how to do the wash to saying Sir and Ma'am...etc. All that kind of stuff. I'm not sure I like the idea of Mikey being gone all week, but at least it's so close I could ride the four wheeler down there if I had to.

I have a ton of beach photos to put in my next blog. We went to the beach yesterday hoping to feed sea gulls, but there weren't too many around. That was a major bummer because it's always the highlight of my beach trip. The kids had a good time anyway, especially Anna, she giggled everytime a wave came up on her. I loved watching her. Hopefully we don't wait so long before we go back again. I love sitting in the sand and watching the kids.

Anna is up. I think I woke her up pounding on the keyboard. I think I hear someone else stirring now too. I need to pick up the yard so I can finish mowing this morning. It feels good having the grass cut, I was out after dark cutting it until even the headlights on the mower couldn't help me anymore. It looks surprisingly good considering it was pitch black.

The air is drier here this morning, I'm freezing! I just have a little fan in the window. It's supposed to be in the mid 90s this week though. I gotta uncover my birdie, she's fussing because she knows I am up and she wants her cage uncovered and the door open so she can come out and stretch her wings.

At least Anna can see Spongebob good now. I got drapery panels for $5 each on clearance at Lowes and they are doing a good job blocking the sun. That was a really good deal! We had to go by Lowes again yesterday to finish getting plumbing stuff. Michael ran the plumbing for the toilet, tub, and kitchen sink under the trailer yesterday. Hopefully after work he'll move the toilet over here and finish it all up and we'll move the cook top, the sink, and the other fridge too. He's got a cast iron double sink he found somewhere and we are just going to build a table top for it to drop into with enough space to put my cook top on as well. As far as storing food and dishes and stuff I will have to use plastic containers or whatever we can find to use. I'm going to move one of the picnic tables into the kitchen for the kids to eat at. It's not a pretty set up, and the bathroom is only framing covered by blankets so there isn't a ton of privacy either. Not that there was any in the camper. I'll have to take pics of the bathroom in here later. I'm really hoping we can swing the door for our bedroom this payday. It's a outswinging french door with blinds between the glass. Once we do that finishing up our room shouldn't be too bad. At least as far as insulation, ductwork and sheetrock. I'm not sure what room he wants to work .. this but we really need to run more wiring throughout the place. We are running everything off our bedroom sockets with extension cords.

The boys are up now too so I gotta make sure they get something to eat before they go. I hope Timmy really shows up to pick them up or they will be so disapointed. Having to worry about that just shows you how little faith I have in other people

Life's a beach Part 1

2008-06-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Life’s a beach part 1
Current mood: mad

Believe it or not, this was taken BEFORE we got to the beach!

There were a bunch of these sculptures in this area along the beach. They are so cool looking. I wish I knew the story behind them.

The Biloxi Lighthouse.

The Beau Rivage.

You can barely see it but there is a rainbow in the sky to the left of the lighthouse.

Rainbow from a different angle. I wish I could have captured it better.

A shrimp boat.

Another shrimp boat.

One of the few sea gulls we saw. I was disappointed not to have seen a bunch to feed. Michael figures they weren't around because it was looking stormy outside.

The pier we used to walk out .. Katrina destroyed it.

A pretty sail boat out in the gulf.

The sun going down in Biloxi.

Nothing but sky.

Life's a beach Part 2

2008-06-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Life’s a beach part 2
Current mood: okay

The kids trying to feed the few sea gulls that came around.

Anna absolutely loved the beach. She giggled every time a wave came in. I never saw a kid enjoy something so much.

Haahaa. Mikey got a wave smack to the face and I caught it on camera.

I got a photo of all the gang. I'm glad we waited until early evening to go. The weather was nice and it wasn't boiling hot. We don't like sitting out at the beach in the middle of the day.

I love this photo of Anna playing with the water.

Goodnight Moon

2008-06-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

Goodnight Moon
Current mood: adventurous

That's one of my favorite children's books besides The Little Engine That Could. I go to sleep every night with the moon in my face, you'd think the light from it would bother me but it doesn't. It's rather peaceful actually. I even got up one night to take pictures of it.

As hot as it is, I'm still grateful to have room to stretch out, and it makes me even more grateful for the cool night air when it comes and cools us off. I look forward to every single night now. Believe it or not this is teaching me how to be thankful for the small stuff. I love watching Anna play. She never could play in that camper. Now she pushes her toys around, runs around, laughs, jumps on the couch, and has a good time. It's so awesome, it's such a good feeling even if we are living in a gutted out trailer.

Ok, so it does get pretty hot in the afternoons and all you can really do is sit still in front of a fan or sleep. Anna will nap sometimes, but she won't sleep long, I think it's just too bright and too warm in here to nap good. The natural light in this room is gorgeous though, I love it.

I took my two Ivy plants and combined them into one. I cut off the burnt leaves. I had hung them outside and it was too much sunshine. It should love all the indirect sunlight in here though.

The kids are enjoying having extra space as well. It's so bright in here I can hardly see the computer so I don't know how good these photos look. I hope there is no naked Anna showing in these pics. I'm going to look for some drapes or blackout material or something tonight when we go out.

Anna is gonna get it. She knows how to use our water dispenser and it pushing the button and letting water run all out. Not only that but she fills anything she can find up with water. I don't know how to get her to stop. She's gonna rot a hole in the floor right in front of it.

Well, Michael is on the way home from work and we get to go out tonight. Woohoo. I gotta hurry up and post this and this next blog which will be full of photos.

I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna be your friend

2008-06-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

’m gonna get ya, I’m gonna be your friend.
Current mood: awake Ok, so this cardinal is eluding me. It's driving me crazy. I'm hunting him down with my camera and he just dances, sings, and teases me, staying just out of reach. He's beautiful, and he's the first "regular" bird I've seen around here. I have hope I can put bird feeders out up here. Down the hill we didn't get a whole lot of birds other than purple martins. I was shocked the first time I saw him. I sat outside for an hour last night with my tripod and camera just waiting on him. I only ended up with two grainy photos from having to use the digital zoom because he was so far up a tree. I will get a nice, close up shot of him one of these days. The thrill of the hunt is exciting!!

My little pink elephant ears. These came from a bulb that my inlaws gave up on. I can't get these things to go away, no matter how much I neglect them. As soon as I sat this pot outside they really took off.

I love my duckies!

When the Sun goes down

2008-06-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

When the sun goes down.
Current mood: cheerful

The water has a slight greenish tint to it, I think it's the metals in the water since I added water to the pool yesterday. Otherwise it's clear and sparkly. I love that saltwater system. I got the chemicals perfect. Now I just need a vacuum to get up all that dirt off the bottom. We spend a lot of time outside at night beginning with dinner since we eat outside under the sun shelter.

Life in an unfinished trailer

2008-06-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's very hot. I can tell you that much! It was 103 in here today. Hotter inside than out. I took some photos from the morning of our first night in here. Even unfinished it's much better than cramped up in that camper, it's just too bad we can't regulate the temperature.

This is the indoor temperature. It was so miserable I wanted to cry. It's 6:15 pm now and it's 94 in here. I hope Michael can fix this up somehow, this sucks. If it can't be made more comfortable we'll have to move back into the camper until summer is over.

Even sleeping is not comfortable when it's this hot.

Early Morning Ramblings

2008-06-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Early morning ramblings
Current mood: tired

I am enjoying the 74 degree temperature in here right now. By 11 it will be close to 90 in here and by mid afternoon it will be 100 or above. Michael said we just have to make it through today. He's going to plastic off the living room and put the two air conditioners in there and hopefully we'll have a cool room to hang out in during the day. I hope it works, it's not like the room is insulated at all. There is only one outside wall in that room though. It's so nice to be able to get up and walk around. In fact, my legs, ankles, and knees are so sore from doing so much walking the last few days. It's a long walk to just bring the kids their clean laundry when you are used to being in a camper for 3 years. We are close to salvaging that camper. The plumbing for the toilet, tub, and kitchen sink shouldn't be bad cost wise so we are going to try and do it this weekend. We'll have to nail blankets up around the kids bathroom and that will be our working bathroom for awhile. I already have a fridge, deep freezer, and a double oven in the kitchen in here, Michael just needs to build a table like counter top to drop the sink in and to put my electric cook top on. Other than that I need some plastic storage boxes, and shelves to store important stuff left over in the camper and a place to store box and canned foods, plates, silverware, and cups. It's not pretty around here, but then again either was the camper. The electric bill should go down some with no air conditioners running. It's supposed to be 95 today, and it's always ten degrees hotter in here. I hope the good Lord will send some rain and clouds to get us through today. With our next tax return we are going to put in central heat and air, I just hope we have a good bit of this place insulated and closed up before then. We've never been ones to ask for help when it comes to things like that, but I sure wish there was some available now. The kids have suffered 3 years in a camper and now are having to live through a hot southern summer with no air conditioning in an unfinished, uninsulated trailer. It makes you feel like such a loser when you can't provide basic shelter for them. It's not like we could have rented a place either, rents down here have skyrocketed since Katrina with housing being almost unavailable because of the damage or destruction to everything. Oh well, this place is ours, bought and paid for and it's going to be spectacular one day, but it's going to take a long time. I'm glad they are spread out and comfortable in beds for now though. I finaly got to see Anna play yesterday too. She has a box of toys and was going through it and pushing her little lawn mower and running around and having a good time. She's not got to do all that in the camper before.

I slept like a log last night after not sleeping the night before, but I'm awake already and it's not even 6am yet. I've got to bring some more stuff over today. All my photo albums and things like that. I left all my winter clothes over there because Michael and I are sharing a large plastic shelf for our clothes so we only have brought over what we wear for now. He is so ready to get rid of that camper. I don't blame him. He wants to take it to the salvage yard, and scrap it. It's probably not worth the metal that it's made of.

There is some talk of the Michael's work trying to get them their cost of living raises now instead of in October. I don't know what's going on with that, but I saw a news story last night about how Pascagoula just put it through for their city employees. Normally it's done in October, but the cities are realizing times are tough and they want to keep their employees. I think they got 3%. If Michael got that I think it would be somewhere in the .36 cent range. He figured about an extra $20 a pay period. Every little bit helps. We haven't heard any more on it though. That would put him only .90 cents short of what he was making an hour at his last job before he left. He has dental and retirment taken out though so it doesn't seem like he makes as much.

I'm not babysitting this week. It's gonna seem strange with only my kids here all week.

Well, we did it.

2008-06-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

We finally got tired of the camper, and gave up being cool and having a working bathroom and kitchen close by to have more space. We moved into our completely undone trailer yesterday. I hope we can live with this decision, but needless to say our next project is the toilet, even if I have to hang blankets around the bathroom for privacy. I almost panicked in here last night, the room seemed so big. The tv was so far away and our queen sized bed seemed tiny in here, even though it's the same bed we were using in the camper. We got two small ACs which won't cool off anything in here, but right now I don't care. We even got our satelite and internet set up and Michael seems very happy, even if he was being a bitch during all the hard work of moving stuff. I will take photos today, that is the best way to show you our situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy we did this, but it's not going to be easy living and I feel like it's just another way Katrina is still bringing us to our knees. The kids are spread out mostly now though and I walked around with a flash light late last night checking on them. They seem so far away, wait until the walls are up! We have sheets only separating us from the great outdoors in a few spots, broken windows, and piles of tools in every room. My job today is organization. I LOVE that, I'm excited about fixing up the rooms and finding places for stuff. In 3 weeks we will order the french doors for our bedroom and that will seal up our room and than we will probably put together the kids bath. We have a toilet, a tub, and a kitchen sink, the stuff just has to be plumbed and we need a make shift counter for the sink in the kitchen. I think we might search thrift shops, pawn shops, and garage sales this weekend for anything that will help us with that stuff. I'm paying all our bills, even ones I haven't gotten in the mail yet to free up the big check he's getting in three weeks. I want most of that to go straight to the trailer. The door for sure, and also plumbing stuff for a toilet, maybe wiring for the bathroom, lights, insulation and we can at least sheet rock the side walls and hang a blanket over the doorway. The backwall needs a new window installed so we won't be able to touch that for awhile. We'll do what we have to I guess, I suppose you could call us Katrina Cockroaches. We never give up. Ok, gonna snap pics while Anna still asleep.

Drag out the winter coats.

2008-06-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's only going to be 90 today! Wow, that's just downright chilly.

I need an intervention

2008-06-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

I need an intervention
Current mood: Better now.

Bitterness is rising up again. I hate it, I hate having to swallow it and put a smile on. I'm so tired of feeling this way. It's not me, I'm usually not too concerned about what other people are doing. I just need a vacation I think, I'm stressed out. The hot, humid weather doesn't help either. It's been a particularly bad week with all these kids anyway. Let me see if I can list everything they've been up to. Throwing mud balls at the camper and the porch, hitting each other and arguing, not going to bed when they are told to, drinking the soda Michael bought for me, knocking over TVs, throwing trash everywhere, leaving cups everywhere, emptying clean clothes baskets out on the floor, stopping the wash and not restarting it, playing with the washing machine just to watch the water rinse out, letting Anna jump in the pool when one of them was supposed to be watching her, not helping me out, back talking, being lazy, leaving a board game out on the porch and throwing parts of it into the pool, puting cups of liquid on a tv and it got spilled, riding bikes inside my doublewide, fighting over the little four wheeler, making Kayla cry, spilling food and covering it with something instead of picking it up. It's been a week from hell. Between a holier than though sister in law, and a brother in law who is spending money on crap he has no business to so he can't pay the mama of these kids I'm watching for the camper he bought from her, I'm am just fed up with people. I know, that's a huge run on sentence, it felt good though. I was so upset the other day I got on Gtalk with Christy and was typing faster than my fingers could handle, tears rolling down my cheeks, sentences were coming out that were making NO sense at all. To top all that off my chest had been hurting for days, I kept wondering if I was gonna die of a heart attack or something. I had been having severe abdominal pain before that so I didn't know if it was related or what. She suggest it might be anxiety, and I think she was right, shortly after spilling it all, I felt so much better. It was gone. I spend all day washing dishes, cooking, doing laundry, and picking up. The computer is the only hobby I have, I'm tired of not being able to have fun.

Another person I'm bitter towards is the weather man. Every day he promises rain, "Oh yeah, tomorrow is gonna be a real gullywasher." Tomorrow never comes. If it would just downpour all the kids would be stuck inside and I could relax. The forecasts had called for several inches of rain one day and we got a few drops. There is tropical moisture in the air so the humidity is unbearable and there has been no relief. I sweat in front of that stove at least twice a day and I'm really tired of it.

I'm supposed to be washing dishes and the kitchen floor needs washing. Oh holy crap. It's raining, I can't Fing believe it! It must be some kind of miracle, I need to go stand out in it and wash this bad attitude off. I know I'm PMSing and I get angry when I am. I'm gonna hate this entry later when I feel better.

Did I mention that Anna was up most of the night crying the night before last and that hasn't helped my mood any? I still don't know why.

I have a few photos to post I guess I will do it later after I wash dishes. I have to work half the day just to bring this place to the level of pig sty. A mess is bad for my mood too, I hate clutter and mess.

I'm running out of stuff to say. It feels good not to be stuffed up with things I have to say. Maybe my head won't explode now. Michael is going to help his friend Larry move tomorrow, which is kind of disappointing because I wanted to get up and go grocery shopping. There are some good sales at Winn Dixie I want to get to early. He's working next Saturday as well for time and a have helping to prepare the city for hurricanes. That extra money will be nice. We want to order our french doors for the bedroom next Friday. I decided to switch from a sliding glass door. Hopefully I can get some that open to the outside. It would be nice to hop out of bed and throw open the doors and walk out onto the porch.

Haahaa. There is a movie promo for Hancock. The clumsy superhero. That kind of stuff cracks me up. I love Will Smith. I can't wait to see that. I watched the Bucket List the other night and loved that one. I got halfway through The Other Boleyn girl and turned it off. I thought I would have loved it, but The Tudors have spoiled me and I was bored to death. I watched the Celtics VS The Lakers instead. Now that was exciting!!! Go Boston!! I've been to the Basketball Hall of Fame once when I was in sixth grade. It was a poster contest, and of course I don't have an artistic bone in my body but a few weeks before in art we learned how to draw owls. So I drew one and named it Larry Bird. It was some kind of drug free poster thing. Evidently someone found it amusing because I won an honorable mention and got to go to the Hall of Fame.

Wow, the power just went off, Thank you God for FireFox and it's restore page option. Otherwise I would have lost all this and probably lost my cool too. Could you see me stomping around in here throwing things and kicking the walls? Haahaa. I'm a diehard firefox fan that's for sure.

I'd be pushing my luck not to post this now. I did some dishes while I popped a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster for breakfast. I have some more to do and than it will be time to make tuna samiches for the kids' lunch. I make sure they are all fed before their mama comes to get them. I just feel like I'm dealing with food all day and I hate it.

I need to catch Miss Anna and give her a diaper change. She thinks she's a big kid and is hanging out with them. Everyone is inside because of the rain and thunder. It's almost too quiet around here....ALMOST!!

It's been awhile.

2008-06-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

Since I posted some pics. I've been blah on it lately. I can't seem to find any inspiration. I'm not even all that pleased with these photos, I felt different when taking them, like I was just snapping to snap, for no real reason. I need to take some photos of all the other kids sometime next week. I don't have any summer photos of anyone. I never have school pictures made because they are almost always crappy and always too expensive. I need to find me a nice backdrop outside when the lighting is just right and get some nice portraits done. It's also been a very long time since I sent photos off to family. No one has asked but still.....

A big opened rose on my rose tree. The last one I had left on there.

Anna in the mud the kids made.

She's a country girl for sure.

Ava on top of her cage.

Ava modeling for the camera.

Ava~Angle 3.

PS..someone must have put toilet paper all in the sink. I've been scraping nasty, wet, pulpy, papery looking stuff of all the dishes. Sigh.

Blog number 400

2008-06-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

Wooohoo. It took me about a year but I made 400 blogs! I really don't have much to say so I'll post my current playlist. Oh and Joylyn you are so making me want to check out David Cook ( I hope I have the right David!) I'm always on the look out for new music I might enjoy. I like a little bit of everything. I loved the music played on Celebrity Circus, I'm really surprised at that actually because I've never been a Britney fan. The kids were all in here bopping to it, the whole camper was shaking. I have to admit I've always loved the beat of dance music. I've never really given into it and bought cds, but I always loved that stuff when I heard it.

Angels and Airwaves- The Adventure
Kid Rock- All Summer Long
Quiet Riot- Come on feel the Noise
Taylor Swift- Picture to burn
Paul Oakenfold- Ready, Steady, Go
Britney Spears- Gimme More
One Republic- Apologize
Clay Aiken- Falling
Rhianna- Shut up and Drive
The PussyCat Dolls- Tainted Love
Trixter- Surrender

Anyway, that's it for blog number 400. Everyone is hanging around and it's time to settle down for the night. We are listening to Ready, Steady, Go

What can I did in to today.

2008-06-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking maybe a couple of high school entries would be cool. I meant to post a letter I got from my uncle while I was in Texas but didn't get around to it yesterday. I guess I could tack that on to this one. I got half a journal full of love letters between me and Michael as well. Awwwe, so sweet, those were the days. We struggled even then though, so our life together never has been easy. Nothing ever came off without a hitch.

I'm feeling much better today. I think I've had a small intestine infection or something. I thought I was dying all week, literally, I'm not much of a hypchondriac, but this little bug had me convinced my time was up! I can actually move today..woohoo.. which means cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning...BOOO!

This letter from my uncle makes me sad and happy at the same time. He was always my favorite uncle, and one I thought I was close to so I miss having him in my life. Like my Gram, he just made me feel like he totally cared about me and loved me. I hate when people voluntarily leave your life. It leaves a scar on my heart where they used to be.

Dear Cathy,
What the heck is going on? Everytime you call it does not go through. Is everything ok? I am really pissed you cannot get through. I would really like to talk to you. If you have a number that I can call you at use my 800 number and leave a message, it won't cost you a thing. I am sure you have my number but I will give it to you anyway, you may need me someday. I really do miss you and am so proud of you. I want to know what you are doing, and how many new boyfriends you have. You must have a lot, good looking babe like you. Your spare airhead, I mean butthead, I mean boyfriend and I went on a call the other night. Well, this is as far as I got when you called. It was great hearing from you. You sound like you have adjusted very well and have had an opportunity to do some really clear thinking. I am very pleased that you have come to the conclusion that you and .... should take it easy on your relationship. It was something I had hoped you would do before you left. Now on the other hand, don't go rushing into something full time because you have met some guys that are paying you some attention. You sounded like you have grown up so much Cath. I just can't believe it. I can remember when you came from South Carolina when you were just a baby. You were the first baby I ever fed. Now you are calling me from Texas, Wow! I am so proud of you and I know you are going to go a long way in your life and are going to break a lot of hearts along the way. But the heck with it, go for it, live it up while you are young and take your time in any decision that will effect the rest of your life. Hey, before I go, can you still get boots and stuff? If so, give me a general idea of how much. If anybody gives you a hard time get their SS and DOB and I will take care of the rest. Haahaa. Love ya. Uncle R.

What can I say? He was right in all that and I screwed up my life. Well, I can't really say screwed up my life, I don't regret for one minute having the children I have. It's complicated I guess. I never had the self confidence to be out on my own and accomplish great things I guess. I still don't. I'd rather sit here in the camper all day than go out in public. I'm still hopeful for my future though. I really am. I just need to finish the job I started by raising my kids first. You never know what tomorrow could bring and that kind of excites me.

Here is a note from the type of guy I'm going to warn my girls to stay far, far, far away from. Ick, what a lecherous jackass. I'm sure at the time I thought this little note was flattering, but now it just seems disgusting to me. It's not like this guy was like my friends in my plattoon, 18 or 19 years old. He looked much older if I remember right. I think he was in the area for the Alcohol Treatment Facility that Beaumont had in house. I think it was up near the Oncology ward where I was spending my leave working after getting sick from too much sun the day before doing police call outside. The first sergeant heard I had gotten pretty sick from it and put me somewhere else to work until class started.

Sweetheart, how are you? I thought I'd drop a line..haaha. So what's new? A lot here. I'm finding I'm falling madly over you. God, Watt's with you? Haahaa. Serious though, I'm falling for you, I just hope it never stops. Oh by the way your eyes this evening had a sparkle like nothing I've ever seen. You are so pretty, any man in his right mind would kill for you.

Bleeeech. I got the willies just typing this up, I feel like I need to go take a shower. Oh yeah, Watts was his last name, hence the joke there.

I was flipping through journals from when Mikey was just a baby and enjoying the stuff I wrote in those about what the kids were doing. But much of them were filled with pain and lonliness and feeling Michael hated me. We fought terribly and I was depressed and those weren't happy times. I doubt I will dig too far into those as far as sharing them on my blog. I did enjoy the tidbits about the kids though. One entry said that Mikey finger painted with his poop and Michael had to carry a turd that looked way too big to come out of that kid's ass to the toilet to flush.

Well, Anna just woke up and needs me. That kid has a radar that works in her sleep, she knows if I even move a few inches away from her.

Another reason I'm in love with this man.

2008-06-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you Christy for sending me this article. I wish Gene Taylor would run for President. Haahaa, he called FEMA buttheads. Snort. That ice plan is real genius. I'm giggling here. Yep, let's not provide ice so people can't preserve food so than we'll have to feed EVERYONE, not just ones in completely obliterated houses. After Katrina we lived out of coolers. Kept food in coolers of ice with drinks so we wouldn't starve. Imagine that! Ice is a luxury????? I think we need to bombard FEMA officals with tons and tons of ice.

Taylor blasts FEMA

'Buttheads,' he says of no-ice plan

By J.R. WELSH
jrwelsh@sunherald.com

Rep. Gene Taylor, Democratic member of the House of Representatives

HANCOCK COUNTY --

The first high-level response here to FEMA's dictum that it will no longer fund ice deliveries to the public after a hurricane came Monday from U.S. Rep. Gene Taylor, who called FEMA officials "buttheads," and said he intends to officially express his annoyance with the federal disaster response bureaucracy.

"Here again, it's right-hand, left-hand," Taylor said of the new policy that was announced last week. "I'm going to write a letter and tell them what a bunch of buttheads they are."

The Sun Herald was unable to get comment on Taylor's statement Monday from the agency's Washington headquarters. However, a spokesman at FEMA's Mississippi Coast offices in Biloxi said the agency was expected to respond to Taylor's no-ice protest, although not to his precise choice of words.

"Headquarters has been apprised of Mr. Taylor's comments," spokesman Eugene Brezany said.

FEMA officials recently kicked off the beginning of hurricane season by announcing they consider ice a luxury item that people do not need after living through major storms such as Hurricane Katrina. The storm and its high winds and 30-foot surge destroyed thousands of homes and businesses here in 2005, taking lives and causing widespread power outages that lasted for days and even weeks in some areas.

Survivors were left in primitive conditions with extreme humidity, toxic mud, insects, a lack of food and water and temperatures in excess of 90 degrees. Tons of ice, food and water distributed by the National Guard and other agencies are widely credited with saving countless lives, particularly among the ill and elderly.

Monday, Taylor also asked Hancock County Supervisor Jay Cuevas to have his board send a letter of protest to FEMA, and to ask the Bay St. Louis City Council and Waveland Board of Aldermen to take similar steps.

Taylor's comments came in response to questions from a Sun Herald reporter as the congressman was leaving a morning meeting with Hancock County supervisors in Bay St. Louis. He also recalled that Michael Brown, FEMA's director during the hurricane, had "made a snide comment" on a similar subject during congressional inquiries into FEMA's Katrina response.

Brown had testified that hurricane victims should be prepared to be self-sufficient and have enough food to fend for themselves for at least three days after a major disaster, Taylor said. But, "In order to do that, you need ice to put in an ice chest and keep the food fresh," Taylor added.

In a related issue, during the meeting with supervisors, Taylor said he met with officials from the Department of Housing and Urban Development, in efforts to free up $200 million the county was promised in disaster relief funds. The grants were announced in March, but supervisors have yet to see any money trickle down.

The result is that major recovery needs, including the construction of a new county health department and a jail, are still on hold.

Taylor said he learned that the money has not been forthcoming because state officials never forwarded a required action plan to Washington. Within hours after the meeting, the Mississippi Development Authority announced that it had submitted the plan required to get the money moving.

One thing about this article that doesn't make sense. Days even weeks without power is incorrect, weeks, even months would be the correct phrasing. It was a month before we got power in St. Martin.

In other people's words

2008-06-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and have an awful stomach ache. It's been like this for a week today. I'm miserable and cranky and really not quite sure I can handle it much longer. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm feeling pretty awful. It seems a little better when I sit still. So to distract myself I've been googling my hometowns and looking through old journals. I'm a touch homesick too. I thought I would post things I found in my journals that OTHER people wrote. I will try and not put names in there or anything. I seriously doubt anyone that wrote these things are looking at my little old blog so I'm not TOO terribly worried about getting an angry email or two. I still won't post author's names though. When I'm done with that therapy, I might post some of my senior year journals in honor of my brother who just graduated from Quaboag. This stuff is SO embarassing though. Damn, it will be so tempting to pick through entries and omit stuff. I have to give that one some thought. Anyway, here is the first.

The Girl I love.
The girl I love is temporarily gone. She is in the Army Reserves. The last time I saw her was the night of August 11th this year. She left for Basic the morning of August 12th. It was the emptiest day of my life, a major part of me gone. When I woke up that morning, the only thought in my mind was that I wouldn't see her for another 4 months. Before she left, we decided we should be able to see other people. Before I met the girl I love I could have been dating one woman and having an intimate relationship with another. Before she left I had cheated on her. Now she is gone, but I can not have an intimate relationship with any other woman. She is holding me back. It is not her physically or mentally holding me back, but my love for her. It is a feeling I have never had before, an intimidating feeling. Every day seems empty without the girl I love. On the days I receive mail from her I feel better until I think about just how far away she is and how long it's going to be until we can see each other again. I will not do anything on sundays until she calls me. Hearing her voice lifts my spirits higher than the clouds. When I have a really bad day I will violently cry myself to sleep. The greatest though I have each night is that it is one less day I will be without the girl I love. My greatest wish would be to be able to see her for an hour, even if she never knew I was there. Every night before I go to bed at ten pm, I go outside to say goodnight to her and blow her a kiss. Many a friend has seen me do this and thinks I am a little weird. No matter what I am doing I will drop it if I can and I will continue to do this every night until she returns. When she does return, I hope that every night the two of us can pause what we are doing to remember this time in our life. Every morning I wake up I have to find some thing to keep my mind off her absence. As it stands now on Mondays and Wednesdays I work at Shaws, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I go tto school. The rest of the week I have to find something to keep me busy. I have even tried to roll $50 in change, unrolling it and re rolling it to no avail. Some of the things I do just remind me of her or us and I will go from being happy to being downright depressed. The only way I get through some days is by slowly clawing my way through th em. It is like the length of the day is a sheer cliff wall and the only way I can get through it is by dangerously free climbing thousands of feet to the top, only to go to sleep and possibly wake the next morning the same way. Even though it has been about only five weeks, it feels like an eternity. My only salvage is waiting to be reuinted with the girl I love with all my heart.

This was written in 1993. I have a LOT of regrets about how things went down with this person. It was such a confusing and mixed up time for me. I was on an emotional roller coaster ALL the time. Anyway, this is one of the most heart felt pieces of writing that I own and I will treasure it forever. I would love to feel that kind of love at this point in my life, I think when you are young you take that for granted.

I'll post some neat notes and letters from people I met while at Combat Medic School at Ft. Sam Houston in the next blog. I had a really good time there. That period was some of the best times of my life.

In Solder's words

2008-06-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

The platoons at Combat Medic School were mixed male and female though we had separate barracks. It was so easy to make friends then. Fireguard was a particularly boring job that had to be done so we often wrote notes to each other during that time and passed them in the mornings before formations. I copied a few into my journals.

Hello Cathy,
Please Exucse the sloppy handwriting but it is not easy writing on a bench. You'll notice I throw in capitals and stuff wherever I want. So don't mind them. So you want to know about me huh? Well, I just told you where I'm from, I'll tell you about me. One thing I've always wanted to do is write a novel. I mean I've gotten a few stories published, but I need some serious inspiration to write a 600 plus page novel, Someday. Anyway, before I came here you could say I hung out with an "eccentric" crowd, never judge a character by looks. Image is a facade, a decoy for what's really there inside. I hate to sound like a self help book, but it's true. Every few people are what they seem because very few people know who they are. Sorry, there I go again. I love to read and I love music. I'm not much for tv but still like a good movie.I think coffee shops are the best places in the world to hang out. Parris on the Platte in downtown Denver has a bookshop too, it's great. I like live music, really small shows at a small club. Folk, punk, and local bands are the best. It's a good place to make friends and dance a bit. Poetry is a worthwhile past time too. I've read quite a few modern and classic authors. I make my own too! So now you have to tell me about you. The Pastry Man.

I honestly don't remember much about this fella. I think his name was bill, and he was in my platoon. The whole platoon really got to know each other pretty well. There was plenty of downtime between classes and on breaks. We were always outside under the CTA (Central Training Area) even on weekends. We couldn't sit inside and watch tv or anything so we would all sit out and shine boots and chat. I didn't have hardly any girl friends, I hung out mostly with the guys. Just seemed easier that way, less stress and complication. I never trusted girls to much anyway. I had one or two I would chat with and hang out with occasionally. Five of us used to hang out in this little group and occasionally Shawn wrote me notes. I'm not a big Ho or anything, we were all just friends. At this point there was no off post freedoms or anything.

Cathy 30 October 1993
What's going on? Not much over here, just guarding my post. NOT! Hope you are having more fun than I am. I tried to study for about the first 15 minutes of fireguard, but as you can see by this letter, I was pretty much lost. I hope everyone does well on this test. A lot of stuff to know. I'm going to study more later and try to learn something. We will have to study together tomorrow (today by the time you get this) It's not even November yet and I already wish it was spring. I hate cold weather. I'm sure you do too since you live up north. In Alabama we only have about 2 weeks of real cold weather. I never even had a winter jacket until I moved to New York. Now I have a whole collection. So what do you want to do when we get an off post pass in civilian clothes? Would you like to see a movie or something? I like being around you because you are happy most of the time. And those eyes just brighten my life. I would be very happy if you would out and eat with me on thanksgiving.Well, yes or no, maybe, not sure, ask at a later date, or never ask again. You better say yes, but if not I understand. I will go for now, sleep good and try to stay warm. See ya.

For Thanksgiving we ended up being adopted out by a family and four of us had dinner with a really lovely family with three kids. I enjoyed it a lot!

The next three letters are from this really cool guy who just got along with everyone. He was very friendly and I enjoyed talking to him occasionally. I don't really know what his story was. He didn't really go out and party or date or anything like that. He probably had a relationship at home. He was like a best friend every girl should have! Believe it or not I met him in class when he bit my arm for no reason!!

Ayers, Hey short stuff! What's going on? Well, my first name is Christopher and I come from Oklahoma (Not my fault!). And no, I didn't know I was your hero and I've never considered myself cool. I've always considered myself VERY COOL. Just kidding, but I think I am a nice guy and I will try not to bite you anymore, ok? I'm really sorry I did that, I was not thinking right, you know what I mean? As for waking me up today, I don't know if I can let that one slide. I really do love being a pain in the ass. And I didn't call your name 100 times either, I called it 101 times. Well, gotta go and study. See ya later. W/B Butler

I think he was napping in class. Probably while the instructors were out of the room. All these memories are practically gone except for what I have written in these journals. I can kind of picture who he was. There was some girl who thought she was his girlfriend or something, or felt she had claim on him so I always felt uncomfortable when he'd come over to my desk to chat. It was a strange situation. If I remember correctly she came in slopy drunk into the barracks pretty often. She seemed like she could be mean if she wanted to.

Ayers, who am I gonna get you in trouble with? Please don't say Alt, she and I are just friends, she already knows she has no right to get mad at wheover I talk to. So don't worry about it, i think you are pretty cool and nice. So no one can tellme who to or not to talk to. If you noticed I just about talk to everyone cause I'm a nice guy. I supposed I could let you slide for walking me up yesterday, since you just wanted to visit, besides I shouldn't have been sleeping anyway right? Did you get your boots shined last night? Well, I gotta go so I can pay attention ok? Write me back, Butler.

Ayers, how are ya small fry? Are you retaining any of this class? I am so worried about the test Tuesday, I hope I pass. I already knew Alt liked me, I straightened that out. I'm sure a lot of people are getting the wrong idea about all of this, but it goes to show you how people like to gossip. It doesn't bother me at all because I really know what's going on. Does it bother you that people talk? So what are you planning this weekend? I think I will stay here and study for the test on Tuesday. You'r from Massachusetts huh? What part? You know I live about 30 minutes from Guthrie. Cool huh? Maybe when you come down to visit your relatives you could give me a call and say hi or something. You now I'll probably never see any of these people again when we all go home after this. Pretty sad, I'm starting to make some pretty cool pals here. Although when we finish here we get to go home for Christmas which is cool. Thanksgiving is going to be uncool though because I will not be with my family. Well, I better go for now, write back.

Ok, more in the next blog, I gotta go make lunch for the kids

I'm minus six kids

2008-06-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Michael took them over to Kim's to try and get Zoei's little four wheeler running. I hope he doesn't get it running. I do not want that worry on my hands on top of everything else. I'm just now settling down getting used to having them here 4 days a week. I'm hurrying to scirbble out a blog before they return.

Dang, forgot what I was gonna say. Oh yeah, I've been dealing with nasty computer viruses. I mean BAAAD ones. I think I may have got them now since I'm now able to use my browser to get on the internet. As much as a pain in the neck it is, I kinda enjoyed the research behind trying to figure it all out. I should have had a career in research. I love a good challenge.

It's coming up on 3 years for Isabella's birth and death. I was thinking about her while I was washing dishes tonight. I think about her daily. I'm going to work on typing up the journal entries I found from the time I found out I was pregnant with her until her birth. There's not much there, her story is probably longer than all the other entries put together. I just really want to get it put online before this notebook gets wrecked for good.

My dad's birthday is coming up. So I want to wish him a Very Happy Birthday now. I haven't forgotten, I just don't have the money for a stamp or a birthday card right now. I know, it's pathetic, but it's the times we live in. Happy Birthday Dad! I love you and miss you. I wish we knew each other better and were closer, but it is what it is. I guess we are too much alike!

While I'm making shout outs. Happy Graduation to my brother Nathan. I'm so proud of you and miss you terribly. I think had I not moved away we would be very close. I think you and Nichole would have been my best friends. I love you both so much,. I used to hold you and hug you and change your diapers. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for your special day, my heart is with you always though.

Damn, I'm getting soft in my old age. That's enough for now. I think the heat is melting my brain cells.

Haahaa, my bird is crawling around the outside of her cage and chewing on stuff. The door closed on her so she can't figure out how to get back inside. I guess I should help her. She's working at the cracked door with her beak trying to get it open.

Turned Down

2008-06-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

We were turned down for that Long Term Recovery grant. Sigh. It's pretty well hopeless now. It looks like I will be raising my kids in a camper. I told myself I wouldn't get upset, that it wasn't a guaranteed thing, and we knew they were aiming to get people out of FEMA campers first. We helped ourselves when we could and now we are paying for it because we can't get help now that we really need it. I'm more upset than I want to be. I know I will forget about it in a few days and life will go on, but damn, why can't we ever catch a break? Maybe I should write to Dr. Phil or Oprah or someone and spell out my sob story. It's coming up on 3 years in this camper with five kids. It's even worse for them because they are two to a bunk bed, twin sized bunk beds with teens and preteen kids. There is nothing else we can do, the help has dried up because it's almost 3 years post Katrina. It took us this long to find any possible help but it's too late. I guess there is no one that can help us now and we'll just have to keep working on it the best we can.

From the heart.

2008-05-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person. I'm not sure what makes me the way I am. I want to be loved, but then I don't. Kind of the way a porcupine would want a hug. I want to be the one who loves to have teenagers hanging around, to be a safe haven for the kids and their friends. I can't be that one though, and I probably never will be. I never could relate to myself at that age and I still can't relate to that age group. I couldn't even deal with my own pain without slashing myself there is no way I could help anyone else through that. I know the kids probably feel my cool distance, I can't seem to change it.

It's like I am defective, though supposedly God doesn't make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like such a waste of space because
I can't find anything worthwhile about myself. What is scary is that these thoughts are coming from a place where I'm not depressed
or sad, or being pushed around. They are just there. I just feel like I've been hurt so much that I'm not able to be open, warm, and
loving to anyone anymore and it's not really fair to the kids. Hell, I can't even stand for anyone to touch me most of the time. How messed up is that? About the only thing I can handle is Anna giving me hugs and kisses. Maybe it's because she can't hurt my heart on purpose. Than I wonder am I just being a victim to everything life has handed me? I wish I could change it. "What a mess I've made of my existence" A lyric from one of Clay's songs describes my life perfectly. Some would say that this mood I am in is God trying to teach me something. Maybe so. Or maybe I'm just stressed out. I'm watching 7 kids worrying about feeding them all and keeping them safe. It's stretching my nerves to the limit. Camper living hasn't helped any,I can't turn around without bumping into the ceiling or the wall. Haa, that's funny, I feel that way literally and figuratively.

Some of my kids are getting old enough to be good company, only now they AREN'T..if that makes sense. With the nastiness and backtalk it makes me so very sad. You give all your time and devotion to them and they hate you anyway. They wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. I guess some would say that's a parenting problem. Maybe so, I don't know. I'm so emotionally lonely. Michael isn't someone I can count on to support me in anyway. It makes this walk through life very lonesome. He's angry and bitter and short tempered. He's always looking for something better than me. He doesn't make me a better person when I'm around him,in fact he makes me hate myself a lot. This is not how I pictured marriage would be, yet it will be 14 years old in September. He only stays because he feels sorry for me and knows I can't manage alone. He chose someone else over me years ago, but only came back because I made him feel bad.
He really wanted to be with this other person more. I'm not going to lie, I can be manipulative, I'm not stupid. I have this
need for control over my life. I have this need for control over everything, and when I don't have it, I spin out of control.

I'm a shrink's dream come true, someone would love to get ahold of me. I'm a neurotic mess. Way deep down though, I think I am
a good person. I must have got my grandpa's genes in there, I love to help people and would work myself to exhaustion to help someone who asked. At least that's how I used to be. I know I lost Isabella because I thought I was super woman and wanted people to like me. I woked myself to tears every single day the week before I lost her at Bible School. I came home crying
every day I was so tired. I think I began to not feel good then but was too busy to notice. I wanted people to see I was
a good person, and I wanted the kids to like me and want to come to church. I've spent my whole life trying to earn people's love. I just want someone to give it to me because they want to, I don't want to work for it anymore. I'm tired. I want people to accept me as I am, faults and emotional blocks and all. I want the forgiveness that comes so easy for me to give.

There's a real blog for you. Straight from the heart.

Jolly Napier

2008-05-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

One of my very favorite christian bands. I think they only made one cd, and they were local to us when we lived in Ruston. I believe they were out of Shreveport, Louisiana. I bought the cd when we lived there and just rediscovered them on my ipod. I'm not sure how easy it is to find their music, but if you can check them out it's worth it. The name of the album is TwentyOne Even. I really do love contemporary christian music. I have a playlist on my ipod of nothing but. I listen to it often. Sometimes it helps keep me in check with the Man upstairs, it keeps me in touch so to speak. It touches me in a way not much else can. Casting Crowns is one of my favorites too. All of their cds are awesome.. I think I wore out the actual cds from them.

Summer in the yard

2008-05-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

We put rope lights under our shelter so we could sit out there at night. I wish I had taken pictures last night. All the kids were outside under it, enjoying the campfire, and in and out of the pool. It was pretty neat.

We put shades on this side to block the sun as it goes down.

My plants in buckets and the wood pile I've been making out of the trees I've been cutting. Eventually we'll get these split so I can use them in my fireplace. It sucks living in a camper but at least I can try and make it homey around the yard.

My upside down tomato plant is kicking ass. I love this thing. I'm drooling over those tomatoes already.

Freshly cut grass. I know it leaves a lot to be desired for a lawn, but a few years ago this was nothing but woods. Where it is all grown up I can't get in to mow because of the bulldozer tracks, standing water, and the big pile of trees. Maybe next year I'll have that prettied up.

The last rose on my rose tree.

Kayla May

Mikey acted like he didn't want his photo taken, I think he doth protest too much. I gave him and Max haircuts yesterday. I'll have to take some photos today to show them off.

She laid an egg!

2008-05-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've been worried about Ava my cockatiel. She has been acting funny, puffing up, and not playing or chirping. I moved her into the bathroom last night thinking maybe it was just too cold in here at night for her. Around noontime we discovered she had laid an egg! I knew something was going on with her because her butt looked funny last night. We took her out of the cage and Michael wiped her ass. She had been sitting her her food dish chirping away happily so I figured she was trying to nest. She's also been at the bottom of the cage chewing up paper. She seems better now that she's laid that egg. She's playing with the bell at the bottom of one of her toys. She gets mad though when we get near her cage so she is still in nesting mode. On the other hand she had been getting easier to get out of her cage. She's starting to trust us more. I leave the door open during the day and let her climb out and sit on top. She loves that. She doesn't flutter about her cage now when we reach in to have her step up. She likes to hang upside down out of the open cage door and spread her wings out of it. She's such a show off. Maybe one day I will catch that with the camera.

Per special request, here are some photos of my growing veggies. It took forever to find my camera card because everyone just pulls it out and tosses it aside when they want to plug in their ipods. HOW RUDE!!! I found it though and snapped a few while watching the dog bark at wasps under the white truck. What a ding dong.

Awwe, look at the baby watermelon!

This is my first time ever to grow corn.

A cucumber.

I always make time to stop and smell the flowers.

Green beans growing in one of my container gardens.

A bucket of tomato plants.

http://www.finishthejobfund.org/

2008-05-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

This is sort of what we are going through. Long Term Recovery Committees are reaching out to people like us who couldn't get the 100K grant and still aren't in safe suitable housing. We are going through the Stone County Long Term Recovery Committee. Or are trying to anyway. I found this website through a link Christy sent me from the Sun Herald online message board. I can read our local paper online but just haven't lately. I used to look at those message boards a lot when we got cable back after the hurricane. I'm still looking at this site, but it's very interesting and makes me feel very hopeful. I was laying in bed last night and it hit me. We are LIVING IN A CAMPER! If you just sit there and think about it, you realize that it's definitely not a good thing. It's really sad that a family of 7 is living in a camper. That's all I'm going to say about that. Give the site a look if you got time. There's not much to it and I don't know how current they keep it but it makes me feel good to see it there. For once it addresses the needs of Mississippians, KATRINA WAS NOT JUST A LOUISIANA STORM! Hurricane season starts June 1st. I'm dreading it. I hope to never see another hurricane again.

We still have paperwork to turn in for the grant and the woman from the office tried calling us last Friday wanting us to call her back. We tried all the rest of that day and all this past week with no answer. It makes me a bit nervous. I don't have a bad feeling...yet, but who knows. I just know how our luck is. I wish Michael would hurry up and mail in the rest of the paperwork.

Ava (my cockatiel) just flew a circle around the room and landed back on top of her cage. I leave her cage door open a few hours a day so she can get out. She can fly really well, I want to clip her wings but Michael doesn't. I hope she never gets out of this room.

Michael is gone with his dad to Lowes. He's taking him to get wood to build the screen door for his porch. Yesterday we hung rope lights up for them in there. I'm just aggravated because the pool turned green and no matter how many chemicals I throw in it it's not clearing up. The bird won't shut up and the kids are in my doorway every two seconds. It's hard to blog with spongebob blasting and all the other racket.

I've got pictures to go through so I can post them. We spent Saturday puting this special silver foil/bubble insulation stuff up all over the windows and ceiling vents. We sealed it up with foil tape and it really has made a HUGE difference. It's staying 5 plus degrees cooler around here. Instead of hitting 87 by 4pm it was only 81 in here. And that was with having the door open all day because we were cleaning this place out and it being 94 degrees outside and extremely humid. It's only 70 in here now and it's almost 1130. Maybe this summer won't be too bad after all!

Blah,this blog is all fragmented with different thoughts here and there. I can't concentrate. I'm gonna go google how to cook chicken legs on the grill!

I love my new birdie

2008-05-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

She's so fun and full of life and personality. She's just a tad bit too noisy though. I can put up with it though. She climbs the walls of her cage, hangs upside down, stretches her wings, and looks at you while upside down turning her head in knots. She plays with a hair band I have hanging from the top of her cage that I use to tie up birdie kabobs with it. She's so funny. She loves the attention she gets when she does tricks. She still scared to death though when we go to take her from her cage, even though I know she wants to come out, she's hand shy. The kids love watching her climb around her cage using her beak. She likes to watch tv too, she can see it from her cage. I feed her shelled sunflower seeds for a treat when we do get her out. She LOVES them. We clap for her when she does tricks and she likes that.

I went to the dentist yesterday. I hate going. They don't play around there though. I told them what the problem was, they xrayed the tooth and than I had it removed. Even if my full insurance was kicked in I still couldn't have paid our part of a tooth restoration so I had to have it pulled. It was the very back molar on the bottom. I think an ill fitting crown on the top is what broke it in the first place. I'm still sore today and am rinsing with salt water but I can eat some and the pain is definitely better than before. I'm glad it's over with. I'm going to work on getting the problems fixed I have a little at a time. I'm also going to get the kids in for a cleaning and a checkup before school starts again.

Still no word from the grant office. I have no idea what's going on. Michael has the rest of the paperwork together they needed, but we still don't know why they were calling last week.

Darn, forgot to sign Amber's band paperwork. I HAVE to get that off to school with her tomorrow. She wants to learn to play an instrument and join the band. Maybe it's something she will enjoy and stick with. Dani got her reccomendations to join the newspaper staff. Amber will be up at the middle school with her next school year.

Haahaa, Patrick is dressed up like a girl. I've never seen this Spongebob episode. It's too funny! Squidward and Mr. Krabs are in love! Snort, teeheee. I love it when little things like that make me laugh.

Anna looking like a movie star.

Michael hates when I take pictures of myself, but he never does. Teehee. Me trying to not look afraid of going to the dentist.

I photoshopped this photo. I reverse selected Anna and turned the background black and white and than added an art effect. I get inspired to play with photos every now and than. Not as much as I used to though. I LOVE photoshop.

Well, I gotta do some dishes and laundry and check on the animals. I have to get Amber's paper out and signed while I'm thinking of it. Tomorrow is their last day of school for the summer. Michael will be off for a long weekend too because Monday is Memorial Day. It's also a pay weekend. Wooohoo

Last day of school

2008-05-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to bounce back from this whole tooth ordeal. My jaw is still pretty sore though. I have bad TMJ problems on that side and never realized how little I can actually open my mouth. When the dentist had to force it open and keep it there it really has made it feel awful the past few days. I think it's hurting me worse than the extraction. Anyway, I know I'm bouncing back because I decided to clean the doublewide up last night. I took my Ipod stereo and cranked it up and got to work. It took hours. I don't know whas posessed me to do it, maybe it will have happened for a reason later on. Maybe the grant will come through and the people will need to look at it, who knows, but it's done now and it looks good and it feels like it will actually be my home one day now that it's clean. We got really sloppy in there. Laundry lint tossed around and soda can box garbage tossed from the fridge, tools piled up everywhere, stuff that doesn't even work stored in there. I'm afraid we're getting into a bad pack rat habit after Katrina. We're afraid to toss anything out in case we need it now. We have about 5 mattresses out there in Mikey's bedroom.

I just felt really good last night and had a strange calmness over me. I think ever since I as honest and admitted I was mad at God for all the crap in my life over the last five years, I've felt better. I've felt more inclined to let it all go and to move on and to trust him again. I felt like my old faithful self last night and cranked up my Christian music which really made me feel good. Some churches are against contemporary christian music and I can't understand why, the messages are the same. I know you aren't supposed to go to a church because "you feel something" while you are there, but the contemporary christian music moves me and stirs my heart and my spirit. There has to be something good in that. The kids came home with flyers their friend passed out in school for another church's Bible School. I've been wanting to find another church since we left this last one due to the mess there. It turns out this is the one our friend Colleen and her family left our old church for. Maybe it's a good sign?? I'm thinking about taking them all to that Bible School including the two kids I'm babysitting this summer for the days they are here. This church seems to want people to come to it unlike the one we came from. I think we will go exploring this weekend and see if we can find it.

Today is the last day of school. Amber is upset at me because I wasn't there for her awards yesterday. I just can't sit through 2 hours of awards with Anna, especially up in the bleachers. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I told her beforehand I couldn't be there but I think she was upset because other kids were rubbing it in that their parents brought them flowers or balloons or whatever. I guess 5th grade graduation is big down here because they move on to the middle school in the fall. I'm just not used to that. I went to Elm school through sixth grade and than went to high school for 7th through 12th. Here they have three different schools. Elm, Middle, and High. I'm proud of her though, she got a bunch of awards, including a gold presidential award for spelling with a pin. The certificate had George Bush's signature on it along with the Secretary of Education and the Principal of the school. She said she was the only one who got a gold one with a pin, the others got silver. I cut a rose off our rose tree and told her happy graduation and than we played badminton and went swimming. I just want them to know I do the best I can. Kayla and Mikey get awards today. I won't be there either. We only have enough gas until payday on Friday to make one trip into Wiggins for their medicaid recertification. I plan on taking them out to Mcdonalds this weekend though to celebreate their success this year.

I used to not share stuff like the kids have medicaid, because it felt embarassing and shameful. After Katrina, I don't care. Anyone who has been through it and still doesn't have a decent place to live wouldn't shame me for having to do that. I'm willing to give up my pride to know the kids are covered if they ever get hurt or sick. I know I can take them to the dentist, get their eyes checked, and get them physicals. That's all that matters to me. I think some of your pride goes out the window when you have kids, because you do what you gotta do to make sure they are taken care of and that's what really matters. So I get to haul them all to the health department today. I've had to do it before, I lined them all up in the little cubicle against the wall when we got called in. They still didn't really behave, if I remember correctly one of them belched while the guy was in there going over the paperwork. Oh well, maybe they will hurry it up to get us out of there. Michael knew about this appointment for a least a week and didn't get the pay stubs I needed so I get to walk in there looking like a dumbass if he doesn't get them faxed over. That's the main thing they need, verification of your income. Duh. He promised he'd have the office fax them over to the health department today. I guess I will find out later. I don't like showing up somewhere unprepared.

Stuff I want to learn about today: whippoorwills, Doves, TMJ, Cockatiel training, How the F word came about, when to harvest Lettuce, Photo Prompts.

Stuff to do: Clean, upload pictures to that artscow photo site to redeem my free prints before they expire, take my photo of the day, transplant watermelon plants, transplant magnolia trees, feed and water the animals, clean Ava's cage, medicate Anna's chin rash, make bills list, make sure Amber has her signed Band paper, check to see if rose is opened enough to cut for bus driver, go to health department for 3pm appointment.

I can hear the kids starting their usual early morning crap. They can't even give it a rest on the last day of school. Oh well, they aren't that loud yet. I'm hoping to leave Anna sleeping while we go to the bus stop, if she's not sleeping heavy enough I have to take her. A few times I've come back and found her sitting up crying because she didn't know where I was. Talk about feeling guilty. Kayla refused to wear the pretty dress I put out for her, she's wearing a more casual one instead that I don't really like, but it's her decision so I guess I'll just have to let it go.

Time to get the dog tied up and to throw some clothes on so I don't go to the bus stop looking like a bag lady. I turned the AC off because we were freezing but when I come back I need to crank them both up. It's going to be 90 today again and if I let it get hot in here they will never catch back up. With the two window units running yesterday it was 82 in here all afternoon. Anna and I had to lay in front a fan to feel cool enough. I like it COLD, like 70 or below to sleep. Thank goodness for the pool. I swam in it twice yesterday, I was in after dark last night. It felt so good to not be hot, I didn't want to get out. I slept good afterwards though!

I got a case of the Mondays

2008-05-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

The kids were such little turds this morning, especially the older two girls. They were beating each other up and fighting. Mikey was trying to get them to stop, but all he did was exacerbate the situation. I'm already on edge waiting to hear what the lady from the grant office wanted. Michael has been trying to call all day but is only getting an answering machine. I need some good news. I hope she is just wondering where the rest of our paperwork is and wasn't calling to tell us there was nothing they could do for us. I'm also extremely nervous about my dental appointment tomorrow. I've never had good experiences with a dentist. Going to the dentist is a luxury for us. I also don't like judgemental dentists either. If all goes well and I like her after Michael's six months probation is up he can take a day off with pay and we'll take all the kids in. I can't have anything major done though for six more months, I think we have to have the insurance a year for that. I found an article about her online and it talked about how she lost her old office in Katrina so I'm hoping to find someone understanding and compassionate. I'd rather be in labor than go to the dentist, so this is gonna be tough for me. I'm hurting pretty bad though so there is only one way to fix that. I also fear having to ride with my mother in law. I hope we don't get into a wreck. Haahaaa.

The kids' last day of school is Thursday. Now that it's over it seems like the school year went by fast. I hope we have a good summer.

Yesterday was my birthday. Woohoo, a big 33. I kinda like that number. I still feel young. I hinted around to everyone here I had cake mix in the cabinet, but no one made one for me. Sniff Sniff. At the end of the day I asked about it and was told they forgot. Oh well. It's just another day right? Still it's neat to feel special once in awhile.

My new friend from Freecycle. This is Ava, a cockatiel. I found an ad for her on freecycle and emailed about her right away and we picked her up that night.

I think she's about three years old. The lady who originally had her told the lady we got her from that she had the bird during Katrina.

This is the sun shelter we've been working on. I think it turned out nice.

The corn is thriving despite growing in grass.

I think our navel orange tree is starting to get a flower already!

An unopened rose bloom on my rose tree.

My confederate rose bush coming back up. I want to protect it this winter to keep it from dying down to the ground like it did this year. I had to cut the branches down to the dirt and these are the new blooms coming up.

A sun rose I have planted around the power pole outside.

It's love bug season. A single love bug on my mums that are flowering.

The magnolia tree I grew from seed. For a week now I've said I was going to plant it but so far it's still sitting in the container.

I'm being lazy today, Anna is catching up on sleep too. There's not much else going on around here. Just a blah day. I need some midol.

Toothache from Hell

2008-05-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

I broke a back molar back before Anna was born. Well, she'll be 2 in July so it's about time for it to start hurting. I've been puting up with pressure in it for quite awhile, but now it's hurting like hell. It's awful, all I can do is scream the F word in my head over and over and over again. I just took three advil, I hope it helps some. I guess this pain is a permanent thing now. We have dental insurance but can't have anything major done for a year. I think the tooth needs to come out. At this point I want to yank it out myself. It's puting me in a really, really bad mood. I'm usually quite pain tolerant but this is getting to be more than I can stand. I guess I'll have to let Michael know so we can see what can be done about it. I don't know how long I can take it. Anna is acting up which isn't helping my mood any at all. I'm trying not to get too upset with her but I'm hurting so much it's hard to stay calm. I'm trying to do things to keep my mind off of it. I think I will lay down with her and watch something on my ipod and hope that she goes back to sleep. We are in for some heavy rain today so I plan on chillaxing most of the day. Too bad the kids left me a pig sty to clean. Sigh.

Miserable

2008-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I was gonna die yesterday. I think I have a tooth abcess. It was the most horrible pain, and I'm pretty pain tolerant. I've been living with this nagging tooth for years, but yesterday was more than I could take. I took so much tylenol, aspirin, and motrin I was afraid I might have overdosed yet nothing stopped the pain. By the time Michael got home I was rocking myself and tears were streaming down my face. I just knew I couldn't take it one more minute. Michael went down the hill to see if his brother Lester had anything. He usually has some good stuff. He gave Michael some tramadol. I took one and waited and waited and waited. No relief, by then I was really frustrated and cried even harder and than took a second one. This was after all day of rinsing with salt water, peroxide, chewing and onion and packing the tooth with a salt and pepper paste. It took several hours, but finally some relief came and I went outside to take my mind off it by painting the frame of our sun shelter. An hour into that I began to feel really sick. Like motion sick, the pain was finally gone, but now I was do dizzy and sick to my stomach I couldn't take it. Every movement made me want to puke. When I came in around 830 my face was white as a sheet and I just looked really sick. I took a bath and came in and layed down. I felt a little better laying down. I tried to sleep but couldn't, my whole body felt so relaxed I felt like I was floating on a cloud, but I still couldn't sleep. Michael couldn't sleep either and he didn't turn the computer off until close to midnight and we have to get up at 445. I kept drifting in and out expecting the pain to come back any second. It never did, but I didn't sleep good either. Anna didn't sleep hardly at all, she kept tossing and turning and fussing. I still haven't taken anything this morning, but I'm really worried it's going to come back and I'm not going to be able to function all day like yesterday. I'm debating on taking just one tramadol and praying it keeps the pain away. I need to rinse with some hot salt water before I take the kids out too. I can feel some soreness there so I'm afraid it might be starting back. I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday. I told Michael I need a lot of work done and it's going to end up costing us a lot. All the dentists I've been to tell me how badly the enamel on my teeth is worn and that's why my teeth are prone to decay. We have dental insurance but we still have to come up with the rest of the money on each procedure. Michael's mom is taking me to Gulfport on Tuesday. I doubt they will do anything but an exam and xray. I hope they don't try cleaning them because I've had a filling missing from a front teeth since Thanksgiving and I don't think I could handle having anything directly on that spot. It hurts to brush there it's so sensitive. As long as the infection is gone away I doubt they will address that problem right then. I probably need that tooth pulled, it's been broken for years and more than half of it is broken away. I hate dentists, I've had nothing but bad experiences with them. For any other major work that needs to be done in my mouth after this, they are going to have to give me something to relax my nerves.

It's rumbling here again this morning. We didn't end up getting it as bad yesterday as the radar looked like it would be. I want to get that second coat of paint on today. I hope it doesn't rain off and on all day long. I love the rain when I have nothing else to do, but it's annoying when you are trying to accomplish something outside. I guess we will have to take the car down the hill. I hope the mud isn't too scary and slippery. I prefer to take the four wheeler usually.

I got up and walked around outside this morning looking at how everything was growing. I have a second tomato on my upside down plant growing. The rain really did everything good. The cucumbers are flowering and spreading like crazy. It's awesome. I can't wait to eat some! They seem to be doing the best. I wish the corn would grow a little faster. Next year I'm going to have my own tiller and have a really nice garden. I know I can do it now. I checked on my citrus trees and they are looking good, their leaves aren't curled like they were. I need to look that up and see what that means. I have two more roses about to bloom on that tree too. This time they are staying on the tree, I'm not cutting those off.

Well, I'm off to rinse my mouth off and than get the kids down the hill for school. I actually had to set my own alarm this morning because Michael got up and left at 430am and I didn't want to stay up from then until 545. I'm thinking Anna and I might go back to bed when I come back. I'll be glad when the kids get out of school for the summer next week because I'm tired of getting up so early. I know Anna is too. It's hard on her as well. I need to feed the ducks and the dog as well and I hope to get those watermelon plants transplanted and to find a good spot for my little bitty magnolia tree. I don't want it in the front yard though, too many leaves to rake up all the time. I might find a nice spot in the middle of the backyard.

I can't believe it's Friday already. This week has gone by fast. We got our 2005 tax return copy so Michael is going to Lowes today after work to find prices on everything on our list to fix the trailer so we can send in the paperwork to the grant people. They only needed three more things. But when Michael told her the land we are on actuall equals 3.5 acres his mom had a cow. The very back is unuseable because it's swampy so Michael's dad told us to take from the top of the hill back. She doesn't agree with that so we might have an issue getting that paperwork signed to turn in. I don't know what Michael is going to do, go to his dad I suppose. I can see it becoming a sore spot.

Dragging my feet

2008-05-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I know I need to blog and post pictures but I just don't feel like it. I don't know what's wrong with me, I guess I'm worn out from being outside so much lately. Either that or I'm on a down cycle. I wonder if I'm a touch bipolar? Maybe I just have normal and than down. Who knows. I think I'm tired. I woke up at 230am with my tooth hurting and my back hurting and was all squished with Anna up on me. I just felt like I couldn't take it one more minute. I need some room to sleep!

Yesterday was Amber's 12th birthday. I think she had a really good day, at least that's what she said. We gave her an Ipod also. It's a little tough giving those kind of gifts to the kids because of the expense, but it's been worth it with Dani having hers and Amber is thrilled to have one. I put over 80 movies on for her yesterday and about 2000 songs. Michael bought some games from the Itunes store and put a few on there. We found some nice hard plastic cases at the Dollar Tree and bought one for both Dani and Amber. They are nice looking, if they had more I would have got one for mine. Not too bad for $1. We took her out to Sicily's Buffet where it turned out Tuesday nights kids eat for free. Wooohoo! All of my kids look young so they all ate for free even though it was supposed to be 10 and under. They didn't ask ages except for Kayla's so we didn't lie. It was still $28 though. Which I guess isn't bad for 7 of us. We ate until we were stuffed. We got our money's worth. We then took Amber to Blockbuster and let her pick a movie and than she spent her birthday money at the Dollar Tree and Walmart. She really made out like a bandit! She did good with her money and got a lot of stuff including 2 new outfits. We made a quick stop at Lowe's to get 3 16 ft 2x6s to finish up our shade Michael is building and than headed home. I had tied up the dog on the porch because she's been chewing everything in sight, and wouldn't you know it she chewed through her leash. Teehee, Funny, but not.

I've been looking up stuff on citrus tree care. We've got a navel orange tree and a tangerine tree in our front yard. I want to make sure we take good care of them so they don't die over the winter and we get some fruit from it. I just want a plum tree and a cherry tree now and I will be happy. I need to plant my magnolia trees I've been growing from seed and transplant my big watermelon plants from the container they are growing in. All our cucumber plants have flowers on them, and I saw one of my watermelon plants in our crappy little garden also has flowers. I have one big tomato on my upside down plant and more growing. I love watching things grow. Every day I make my rounds around our property to look at everything including my confederate rose bush which is coming back, my rose tree, my citrus trees, my banana plant, and other assorted vegetables and flowers. The Confederate Rose Bush isn't a rose, but a kind of hibiscus that turns two shades of colors. They are like trees, they can get 8ft tall or so and the double flowers are beautiful. Mine died all the way down to the ground during this winter so I cut it down, but new green shoots have grown quickly from it and I've got a small bush now. I ate a tiny carrot from the garden today and have been snacking on radishes.

Anna and I have been eating the homemade ice cream I made like fiends. It is SOOO good. I made vanilla. We've been eating it in little cones. Yummmy, it's the best tasting vanilla. It's kind of flaky almost and it's hard to make cones out of it but it's worth the effort. She ate two in a row today!

I have a lot of pictures to put up. I guess I will do that while Anna is snoozing. She's been a whiney butt today. I hope she's not sick. I don't think she slept good last night either. I'm working on organizing my Rome episodes to put on my ipod. (Oh crap I just heard the dog chewing something. I gotta go look.) I guess she was chewing on one of the kids' cheap yo yos. I couldn't tell. Anyway, I'm loving The Tudors and even though it took me a few episodes, I'm loving the Rome miniseries too. I'm halfway through season 1 and have season 2 ready to watch.

Oh yeah, I took Mother's Day this year. The day before I asked if they planned on doing anything for me so I wouldn't be disapointed all the next day if they didn't. They hadn't planned on it other than the beautiful necklace Mikey gave me. So Michael got me a few gifts. I didn't want anything fancy and expensive, I just wanted the thought. Which technically I didn't get since I had to ask for it but oh well, I'm enjoying my speaker system for my ipod, and my ipod alarm clock, and my baseball glove. We gave his mom a multi colored rose tree and planted it for her. I should have gone back to see when the last time I posted was because I can't remember if I blogged all this already. Michael's dad gave us the huge posts from his gazebo from his old yard and some money to finish making it into some shade for the yard. We've got the posts in and tonight we should be working on the frame and the tin roof. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Our yard seems like a summer camp now. With the pool, volleyball net, basketball hoop, trampoline, shade, a covered porch, a duck pen with ponds, baseball gloves and balls, horseshoes, and bikes all over the place. I even strung a set of rope lights around the roof of my covered porch. My pool is now sparkling clear. So clear I can see all the dirt on the bottom. Michael is working on attaching a sand filter and a bigger pump onto it, so if he does that I can get a vacuum that attaches to that instead of the cheap garden hose and bag vacuum I got now. I'm afraid to vacuum up all that dirt, it will probably go through the pores in the bag and back into the water.

I guess I will go work on getting my photos ready to put up. I'm fighting the urge for a nap!

My nose tells me it's gonna rain.

2008-05-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

I get all stuffy and sneezy right before rain comes in. We have a 90% chance today. I was hoping to make the sun shelter we are building. I started to last night but the lightning was scaring the pants off of me so I came inside.

I've been meaning to put these pictures up for awhile, I've just been too lazy. They seem kind of boring to me I guess that's why I haven't posted them. I finally got them all up on photobucket yesterday in between computer errors. I'll split them up into a couple of blogs since there are so many. I have to get the kids up for school in a minute. They are still working on State Testing this week. Mikey came home cranky and tired from it yesterday. He didn't even want to play volleyball with me. Anna is flopping around in front of me so it's hard to type.

I've been ripping Episodes of Rome to put on my Ipod but they all come out with titles that make no sense and Michael had them all mixed up and not numbered right. So I had to compare each file to the original episode on the disk and rename them all. It took all day to straighten that mess out. I finally got it now. It turned out their are duplicate episodes that were being ripped and I ended up only getting to see the first half of the first season on my ipod. So I'm excited knowing I still have the second half and a whole other season to watch when I get a chance. Little things like that make me happy, what can I say. I never get to watch anything from start to finish though, I usually watch a few minutes here and there.

We've decided to quit the little church we were attending. There are a few reasons but the main one concerns a teenage boy. He evidently showed a friend's son some adult material and also the baby making juice. I'm not going to elaborate, I think that's enough to give you an idea. This boy he showed the stuff too is only in third grade, so in a way he stole his innocence causing his parents to have to talk to him about everything he saw. They've left the church as well and they've let the teen's father know what happened. My kids adore his father, he works with the kids on music and in the choir. It's a shame, but I can't afford for my kids to be around that kid unattended and I know there is times when that happens there. The mom seems to run the church and people have had run ins with her before and with everyone else related there, there isn't much we can do other than to maybe find another church. I've got too many girls, a few of them teens and preteens to worry about. But even our little boys aren't safe. Michael never liked or trusted the kid so I guess his instincts were right. Dani is at that age where she is out seeking attention from boys and I don't want her getting involved with this boy. I shouldn't have to worry about all this stuff at a church. I never intended on moving our membership there anyway. I haven't gotten much out of going. The pastor is a very nice old man, he's got that twinkle in his eye that reminds me of my grandpa, but I'm just not learning anything from him. I spent 4 years working in my other church so I thought starting here would be my turn to learn, but honestly I'm not. It's also a little too conservative for me and I would like to find another Southern Baptist church instead. I don't like the whole men only get the vote thing and the strict atmosphere. I guess it doesn't help that I really loved the last church I was in and maybe I'm looking to find that again. I need a little bit bigger of a church with more active ministries and a place for me to work in. Of course in the other church I had several jobs and I LOVED it. I loved being busy and being a part of something and helping to make the young kids want to come back to church.

Oops, I got to rambling. I will post this and than start on the photos in the next blog. The kids are having a melt down this morning anyway. Amber is being nasty and making Kayla cry. In a space so small they can't get away from each other and it makes matters worse. Anna is up and laying in my lap watching Spongebob again. If it rains today I'm going to try and rearrange this tiny space I call a bedroom. I don't know if there is any other possible way to fix it up. I want to get the bed a little away from the wall because I'm tired of being squished up against it.

Blog jumping the gun.

2008-05-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

On the side bar it says I'm 33, but I'm not 33 yet. Not until Sunday anyway. Ok, time to post some pics.

My grown ducks enjoying the pond my nephew snuck over and dug with Carl's Kabota. It's not huge, but it holds water and they hardly ever leave it.

We dug this little pond by hand for the babies. They now stay outside in their pen and swim in their pond everyday. It's not deep so I have to fill it with water every morning after I get kids off to school.

We put all new fencing up around the big pen and made a small pen inside for the ducks. I changed their shelter up. I took the little pool out and moved that table thing and than draped the vinyl pool cover over it on three sides so they have a cozy little cave shelter.

The ducks lay their eggs in the old goat shed we put in there for them.

Some of the big ducks enjoying their pond.

The baby ducks swimming in their pond.

My swimming pool! It's all the way clear now. It started off a tea brown because of the metals in the water interacting with the chemicals. After a month it has cleared up completely, it's even cleaner now than in this photo. I love this pool, not a bad deal for $299.

View from the porch of the sun shade we are building. It alread looks different now, it's been cut down to size and Michael put the frame up. Now I have to paint it and add tin for the roof. I'll get a pic when it's completely done.

More photos in the next blog

Aren't you lucky

2008-05-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

More photos. Haahaa.

Cucumber plant my father in law said would never grow without preparing the soil and adding lime.

A rose I grew on my rose tree. I cut it off for Kayla yesterday because she wanted it. It's so beautiful now. It's opened up even more. I love that little tree.

Tangerine tree. We have a tangerine tree on one corner of the double wide and a navel orange tree on the other.

Navel orange tree. Michael bought these trees at a nursery in St.Martin.

Anna mixing dogfood and water for Angel.

Dogfood in one hand and a pen in another. She got busted being up to something.

My mother's day present from Mikey. I love it. That was a hard photo to take, I took it myself while wearing it.

Mother's day present from the family. This little sucker can deafen you from across our property. It sounds AWESOME! Now I can blast Clay Aiken for all the neighbors.

I just thought I would take a photo of my lunch the other day. Haahaa. I was craving salad so bad I ate it like a starving person.

Anna being a nut!

Anna and Angel

2008-05-13T09:05:00.001-07:00

Anna and Angel
Current mood: okay

Hurricane in my mind.

My Anna.

I love the olympics!!

Cold front in August.

To my family.

i really have to say this...

Kids heading back to school

Time for Something New

For my Friend.

A special treat.

Done Nursing

I don't like...

Our Trip Out

Dentist Stuff

Shitty day

Tropical Moisture

Rechargeable Baby

2 for 2

Amber

White Trash

Sunset~July 24th, 2008

Back at home.

Stuff floating around my head.

Yard pics by request.

I'm in hell.

School Supply Lists

Anna turns 2!!

She must have been really thirsty.

Poor Baby

Wow, it got cool last night

Happy Tuesday

Bored quiz

Goosebumps

This weather sucks.

Church

Sound Off

Isabella Faith

My current Playlist

We got a door.

A dream worth keeping.

So lonely.

I guess I watch too much of the Bachlorette.

So lonely.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Mikey comes home today.

Redneck Kitchens and Baths

I think I've had a serotonin drop

Life's a beach Part 1

Life's a beach Part 2

Goodnight Moon

I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna be your friend

When the Sun goes down

Life in an unfinished trailer

Early Morning Ramblings

Well, we did it.

Drag out the winter coats.

I need an intervention

It's been awhile.

Blog number 400

What can I did in to today.

Another reason I'm in love with this man.

Taylor blasts FEMA

'Buttheads,' he says of no-ice plan

By J.R. WELSHjrwelsh@sunherald.com

HANCOCK COUNTY --

In other people's words

In Solder's words

I'm minus six kids

Turned Down

From the heart.

Jolly Napier

Summer in the yard

She laid an egg!

http://www.finishthejobfund.org/

I love my new birdie

Last day of school

I got a case of the Mondays

Toothache from Hell

Miserable

Dragging my feet

By J.R. WELSH
jrwelsh@sunherald.com