My Anna.

Today was the big day, the 4 root canal and 6 crowns day. That sounds awful I know, and the more judgemental ones reading this might look at it and think her whole mouth was rotted out. That's not what was going on. We lived in that dark camper for almost 3 years, I never saw her teeth getting spots on them. She got her teeth brushed in the tub every night, but she did nurse for 2 years including a lot of night nursing. I think the milk sitting in her mouth at night is what caused the decay. But honestly her teeth didn't look that bad. There were small cavities, and before the dentist told us his plan I would have never thought she needed all that work. For us taking care of the baby teeth is just as important as the adult teeth so we knew we'd hurry and do what we could to get her fixed up. We came up with the $275 OR fee which has made this last pay period very difficult for us, but worth it to see her teeth fixed. We got there this morning just before the doors opened. This place is wonderful, The Gulf Coast Oupatient Surgery Center. It was a good experience despite the circumstances. No long wait times, and everyone always explained to you what was going on. She had the first appointment at 7 and was in there a little after that. The hardest part was her crying for me when they took her in the back, but I know that didn't last long because they said she'd go back and they'd give her some gas to put her to sleep before they did the IV and tube and all that. The dentist spoke to us when he was done, said she did great, everything went perfect and told us how to care for her. He has that Christian Glow to him, if you've ever seen it in someone, you know what I mean. He was very non judgemental, very friendly, and even his eyes were smiling. I absolutely love him, I wish I could take all the kids to him. Anna will be seeing him right on schedule every six months after this next two week check up. I think he's worth paying the deductibles on our dental insurance and just taking all the kids there after they are all cleaned up and problems fixed this time. We got to be there with her before she woke up so we were there when she came to. It took her awhile, she did not want to wake up at all, but once she did we were out of there quickly. She woke up with a hoarse throat and a little croupiness but she should be ok. She's sleeping now, but had her appetite and thirst back immediatly after she woke up. I haven't really got to check out the work yet, probably not a good idea to go sticking my fingers in her mouth at this point. We have to wipe down her teeth and gums with a cloth the next few days until the soreness is gone. Her gums are really, really bruised up top, I could see that much. I feel really blessed not to be traumatized by all this, because I easily could have been. Thanks to Dr. Broome and the staff at the outpatient surgery center it all went well. I think a thank you note is in order in this situation!! I don't do that very often for stuff like this, but never had reason to either.

We've got a tornado watch until 10pm. Yay..not! It poured down while Anna was in the back getting worked on, and the wind was blowing. Something popped and the lights blinked and I was about to freak. They explained not to worry, they didn't know what that was but they were on generators so everything was fine.\

I am so excited, I've decided to start quilting again. I need a hobby bad and since college isn't practical right at this moment, I have to find something else to do. I miss quilting, and I think I was actually good at it. I've already picked out my first pattern and will make Dani one first. I'm going to make the quilt the colors I've picked out for her bedroom. I've already picked out the pattern I'm going to do. I had thought about making quilts to sell, but I gave away every single quilt I ever made. I want to keep some around. I did take pictures of them, but it's not the same and a few of them I was pretty proud of! So starting oldest to youngest I will be making quilts for all the kids.

Anna is stirring, I better close for now.

I love the olympics!!

It's driving the family nuts but I have it on whenever there is coverage, I can't get enough. I loved the opening ceremony, I thought that was way awesome. I love watching our country compete and do well.. I've been loving watching President Bush enjoy himself as well.. He looks so proud. I watched the men's basketball game this morning, USA vs China.

I found a spongebob disk we had and Michael converted it to Ipod. I figured Anna would like the distraction when she wakes up Tuesday morning from her dental work. She'll have to stay in recovery a few hours so I knew she'd like to watch spongebob. I have Nemo on there for her too. I'll be so glad when it's over. I'll have to get the kids up extra early, have them get ready, and than they'll stay with the inlaws until the bus comes.

Mikey opened our french door into my knuckle this morning when I went to lock it..I'm not sure what he did but my first finger is hurting so bad. It's eve hard to type, it almost feels jammed. It's always something.

I gotta fill out the last of the school paperwork for Kayla so I guess I'll take care of that now and get it into her bookbag so we don't forget.

Cold front in August.

Well, for the first time in awhile I lost the blog I had just typed up. I'm not too happy, having to type it up the second time always is a lazy entry and a lot of information is lost. I think from now on I'm going to blog on blogger first and than paste it here. Myspace is really sucking lately. Blog notifications don't work anymore, status updates won't load for me, and the blog on this thing is just an afterthought anyway. I'm sick of losing blogs and not being able to back anything up.

We've got a freak cold front coming through and it's nice already. I'm so glad for the few degrees cooler it's going to be the next couple of days and evenings. I know they said the summertime weather would return on Sunday but I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

I was ready to open up a can of whoop ass at school when Kayla came home all sad looking saying she couldn't find her class and someone told her to go to the library all day. No matter how many questions I asked her I couldn't get to the bottom of what was going on and I began to think no one bothered to help her and she sat alone in the library all day. Mikey finally chimed in saying they were working on some new classrooms. So I'm thinking Kayla's classroom wasn't ready yet and they are staying in the library until it's ready. I was worried for a few minutes, they should have sent a note home. I know that anyone who asked their 2nd grader how their day was is probably wondering what is going on. I bet they get a lot of parent phone calls today. She came home with no papework or anything and no evidence of what they might have done all day. Who knows, I guess her new teacher was in there with her.

Amber said she had a little trouble finding her classes but she didn't seem too upset so I'm thinking she's gonna be ok. This is her first year at the middle school. She wanted band for an elective but got choir which I find funny because she has refused to sing at church here. She sang a solo at the Dubach church and sounded fantastic a few years ago when she was a lot younger. I know she can sing, I remember looking at Michael in amazement when she started singing and seeing other people looking at us in amazement. None of us could believe that was Amber singing. So she can sing, she just has a bad attitude and some kids were picking on her one time telling her she sang awful. They get graded on attitude and willingness and singing tests so she better be prepared to show up to class every day and sing the best she can with a smile on her face. They are even going to learn to read music. I have to send in $10 for her songbook and $25 for a dress they all wear for concerts and competitions and stuff. I keep wondering what about the kids that sign up for that and can't sing well, do they get a bad grade?? She has art for her other elective and seems happy with that.

This is Mikey's last year at the Elm school. He has a new male teacher for his home room so not much changes for him otherwise. He has that teacher we had a run in with when he had her in the 3rd grade though. I guess she's teaching math. She had told him her kindegartner draws better than he does and it really hurt his feelings so we let the school know. She tried to call for weeks after that to apologize and sounded all sad on the machine, I think the school got on to her. I realize she had stresses in her life at the time, but that doesn't give her the right to make my child feel that badly. I still get upset when I think of it. The one time Michael and I sat in her class it was absolute chaos. He said an IM thing on her computer kept going off too. I guess we'll see how it goes this year.

Dani is thrilled to have gotten her newspaper elective. She could only get into it with 3 teacher recommendations. She can't decide if she wants to interview or do photograghy. She likes photography and it's in the genes on my family's side so I think she should go for that. She's also happy that most of her teachers said they'll have little or no homework and she will only have two or three texbooks to carry around.

It looks like school will have to be on hold for me for a little while. I'm pretty disappointed but now is not the right time. It's the kids't time to go through school and they need me around to help them and not with my head stuck in books. Anna is still home and clingier than ever and no one would allow me to study enough to do well so it will have to wait. I guess I need to get a hobby back. I really miss quilting and thought the ones I made awhile back turned out nice. I have the room in here for a sewing machine so I could do it. I think I'm going to start gathering material and patterns. I was thinking maybe I could sell them if they turn out real nice. Make my own ebay quilt business or something. Who knows. It's very relaxing piecing a quilt and even tracing and cutting out squares and shapes is fun for me too. I get excited when I'm puting one together because I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I tried to take photos of lighting last night, that was a bust. Too much cloud to cloud and not enough cloud to ground I guess. I thought we were going to get a real bad storm, but it petered out. I still have my tripod by the door for next time, maybe I will have better luck in the fall or winter.

Anna is walking around the house looking for the kids, I guess she figured to go wake them up but they aren't here. I should have been done with this by now and feeding her but have had to type this all up again. It's not as fun the second time around. I'm going to look up recipes with rice, sugar, and milk. My mother in law said it was good but I don't know how to make it. We already had our chocolate milk this morning but Anna is hungry for breakfast now.

I'll post the pics I tried to take later, my internet or computer or something is having issues and I think having photobucket open at same time as trying to post blog is what locked everything up.

It's a non payday weekend so we'll be sitting around and doing nothing. I don't mind, it doesn't matter anymore. It will be the same on payday anyway it's all going to bills with not much left over. Maybe the last payday of the month we can look forward to trying to work on the trailer some more. I took pics of the the rope lighting I tried to string up to give the kid some light in their bedrooms in the mornings. It's so funny looking. It's kinda neat looking at night though.

I'm leaving stuff on the dvr for the kids and everyone to watch in case the sat. gets cut off soon. I'm surprised it's not off yet. At least Anna will have enough spongebob to get her through the week until we can pay the bill. I hope our distant locals stay on though, we get those from another company, I want to see the Olympics so bad, I love the Olympics. The only channel I can pick up with an antenna is WLOX and it's ABC and I don't think they are covering the olympics.

I woke up just feeling yucky today. Achey and hot and just blaah. I don't know what's wrong, I'm not sick anywhere that I know if, I just feel slightly flu like. Maybe it's the change in weather. I purposely didn't run or walk last night to try and let my body recover, maybe it's still tired. I did swim with the kids though.

Time to make breakfast for Anna.

To my family.

Some people better thank God that The Gulf Coast Outpatient Center called just as I was about to let loose everything I've had bottled up all my life. I had the mother of all blogs in my head. My hands were shaking I was itching to type it all so badly. Basically I just got confirmation of why I moved far away from home. I'm glad even though I'm really upset. It's taken my homesickness away. I've never been good enough since day 1. Never measured up to other cousins, never done the things everyone wanted me to do, never been like anyone else. Each child I brought into this world made me a bigger disappointment in my family's eyes. Like this world isn't tough enough without your own family tearing you down. I've been searching all my life for someone to love me, for someone to show me they care about me. My babies have done that for me. My family wanted to ignore me and than not blame themselves for how I turned out. I happen to think I didn't turn out so bad though despite them. I'm a loving, caring, sensitive person. I'm a good mom. I've always only wanted to do something good in this world. I was a good, responsible, and dependable teenager. You entrusted me with your babies, yet you continue to ignore me and think only bad of me. I graduated nursing school with a unanimous award from the faculty for being a good person and a good nurse and with the potential to go on and do bigger and better things. How come no one can see the good in me, how come I'm just worthless to the very people who are supposed to love me the most. My cries for help were silent in angry red cuts in my skin, still no one noticed. No one notices now. I've been through tragedies, heart break, and to hell and back. Yet you have nothing positive to say about my life. I've not asked you for much, I only wanted love and for you to love my kids. I didn't ask for you opinion on how to run my life, I didn't need your permission to have children, I don't care if you think I should have stopped at one. You don't know, what if one of my children has the only matching blood type to save your life one day? What if one of my children comes up with the only cure to treat an illness that you have? What if one of my children is the only one left that wants anything to do with you? You all think you are better than me, maybe you are in other people's eyes, but you are NOT in God's eyes. You haven't walked in my shoes, you haven't seen the things I've seen, the hardships I've endured, or the lonliness and rejection I have felt. I'm worth more than you all think I am. You have no idea how much I have been hurt by you because I never let on, I didn't want to hurt your feelings with my pain. None of you have to worry about me ever coming back home again. My home is here with my children, and I'm going to make it one that they want to always come back to because I love their company and I don't want them to ever move far away from me. If they moved away it would be like someone cut a little piece of my heart out. You get back what you give in life. You hand out negativeness and hurt feelings and poisnous hate, that's what you will be stuck with. I've got a strength that will see me throught his life, I don't need your love because I've not been given it anyway, I'm not missing anything. Think of me as the homeless person on the street, you see them but turn the other way. That's what I am to you anyway. Don't think you know me because you read my blogs, and don't expect to know me better than what you read. I'm tired of having my heart stomped on, but despite all that, I'm not half as bitter as some of y'all. You can all just got back to your holier than thou, high and mighty chairs and continue to look down your noses at me. I don't give a crap anymore. These are the last of the tears I shed on your behalf. I'm moving on. I'm done begging for love, and acceptance, and encouragement. I never asked for much else and I don't expect to be handed these things now.

i really have to say this...

Thank you God for the clouds. Without them today we'd be roasting like ants under a magnifying glass. I'm so grateful!

Kids heading back to school

Tomorrow my munchkins go back to school. I admit I'm a little sad to lose my company. They are looking forward to it though so I'm happy for them. I figured to pass some of the time Anna and I would start going through this HUGE box of photos. It's so huge the living room tv is sitting on it. I don't have a scanner but might try and take photos of some of my photos to put in this blog with my high school and army entries. I know I haven't worked on any good old stuff lately, I kind of work on it in spurts. One day though I will have all my handwritten stuff typed up into this blogger and backed up. It's like my life's project. It will be complete with photos too. It's hard to type up the old stuff, it's embarassing and sounds stupid. I didn't journal in a lot of detail back then either, so most of the time I have no idea what I was talking about. I'm really going to try my hardest not to modify any of the entries I type in. Reading that stuff it doesn't even seem like me, it's like reading someone else's life. I may just quit the random stuff and start typing in from beggining of each handwritten journal until the end. I hate digging into this first one because it deals with a lot of teenage anst. Drama queen stuff, moodniness, suicial thoughts, loss of virginity, hating my parents..etc. I suppose everyone goes through that, it's just that not everyone choses to share it all with everyone. If this is as therapeutic as they say, I should be one, completely menally stable person by the end of this whole project. Embarassing as it all is, I want this all documented and backed up for future generations. I would have loved to have read stuff like this within my family. I can only hope someone some day will be as interested in what my life was like. I need to call my dad and ask him when he has some spare time if he'll scan some younger photos of me to show the kids. Like softball photos, prom photos, kid photos, stuff like that. I'm trying not to move away from myspace completely because I like to share my blogs with friends, but I really do like this blogger. I can look at lists of my entries by date and subject and I like being able to see what I have. I guess I will try to keep them both going at the same time.

I'm off the feed the kids their last summer vacation lunch. Dani has been wanting me to make the bisquick dumplings in cream of chicken soup so I guess that's what is on the menu.

Time for Something New

I've decided I want to go back to school. Yep, I can't believe it myself. I want to go all the way and be an RN. I had a MA LPN license but let it expire so I might just as well start over and get a college degree this time. I know this all sounds easier said than done, but I'm hoping to find a way. The first step of my plan is to take online college courses to fill all the prerequisites for the nursing program. I had planned just to do the practical nursing diploma course, but I think I might do the parallel nursing program that would allow me to move on to a university to complete my degree and get an RN. Even if we can scrape up just enough money to do one class at a time, than that's the way I'll do it, maybe by the time Anna is in school I can go to school full time too. I need something to occupy my mind, I'm going stir crazy here and I love the medical field. I miss working at a hospital. I'm hoping to save up some money to take my first online course during the winter semester.

We went to Amber's orientation tonight. She's moving up to the middle school so we went and got her schedule and met her teachers. For electives she has art and chorus. I hope all the kids do well this year. I really like the middle school. I'll be glad when all the kids are away from the Elm School.

The kids were fighting earlier over whether Spongebob was a kid or an adult. Haahaa, that's too funny.

Anna has been scheduled for her dental procedure on the 12th. Michael paid them today. I'll be so glad when that is over with. She's not feeling too good today, her tummy is messed up. I hope she feels better tomorrow. They are all watching a new spongebob episode right now.

The sky looked so beautiful tonight. I snapped a few pictures, I couldn't help myself. I almost wish I could make a career out of photography.

I'm so freakin tired today, I don't know why, I guess my muscles are just trying to recover from my run the other day and it's sucking the energy out of me. I hope to run again tomorrow night. I'd rather run than walk. I love plugging my music into my ears and just running and letting my mind wander, it makes me feel so free.

I didn't really feel like blogging today or working on backing up my myspace or even posting some old stuff. Maybe I will tomorrow. I'm just tired of being hot in here all the time. I'm thinking once it cools off I'll be able to move around this place more and do more cleaning and organizing.

I'm going to jump in the pool for a few minutes to cool off before bedtime. The sun has set now, but the sky sure was beautiful for a few minutes.

Did I mention the idea of learning again has me so excited? I feel like it's Christmas time or something.